Archive of entries posted on 18th May 2011

Most Obnoxious Tourists No More

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Apparently, America is no longer the world’s most obnoxious tourists. I don’t get that; we are the greatest nation on earth and understand that every other country should bow to us, so how could we not be the most obnoxious? We earned are obnoxiousness. But the winner of the title instead is Britain. What in the world? I could understand that back when they were an empire imposing their values on everyone, but now they’re just an island tourist nation. Where do they get off being obnoxious?

Anyway, get out there to other countries and demand to be treated like a member of the richest country in the world that can easily obliterate anyone out there.

Oh, you don’t have a passport? Yeah, neither do I. I guess it hurts us that part of our obnoxiousness is we don’t even feel the need to ever leave the country. I mean, I went Seattle on my last vacation; that was exotic enough.

In My World: The New Guy at Al Qaeda

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Transcript from the announcement to the press of new al Qaeda interim leader Saif al-Adel:

SAIF AL-ADEL: “Thank you for coming here today. I’m happy to announce that I, Saif al-Adel, am the new leader of Al Qaeda. I’m really excited at this opportunity, and have lots of plans to really advance our cause in the area of killing infidels.”

REPORTER: “Are you upset about what happened to the previous leader?”

SAIF: “I was, but then I heard about how they gave Osama a respectful Islamic burial at sea — which was really nice of them. I mean they didn’t have to do that, but they did. Still, we are going to destroy America because it’s the Great Satan and that’s in our mission statement.”

REPORTER: “So are there more plans to commit terrorist acts on the U.S. mainland?”

SAIF: “First off, we don’t call them ‘terrorist acts’, we call them ‘rapid reorgs’ — because it’s all about change really. Change and martyrism. But we’ve had some problems getting dedicated people in the U.S., since the go to the country and have a Big Mac — which are really tasty — and they decide they just kind of like living there and don’t want to blow themselves up. I think that’s short-sighted, though, but we’ll try to work around it.”

REPORTER: “What is in the Big Mac’s secret sauce?”

SAIF: “I don’t really know. I’m guessing it has mayo in it. We tried sending some people to find that out, but we never heard back from them again.”

REPORTER: “How do you plan to participate in the so-called ‘Arab Spring’?”

SAIF: “I’m glad you asked. We’re very excited about this. Many in the region are wanting to overthrow the current regimes and have a change in their country. Some want that change to be freedom and democracy. We, though, offer the more traditional, time-proven change of murder, mayhem, and killing the Jews. I think in the end, people will come to our side as we’re not some fad like liberty. We’re violent jihad, which has served the people of this region for hundreds of years.”

REPORTER: “We’re you disturbed by the reports that porn was found in Osama’s compound?”

SAIF: “Well, let’s not be too judgmental here. Yes, it is my position that all Muslim women should be covered… but maybe a woman isn’t a Muslim. And maybe she doesn’t like being covered. Maybe she doesn’t like any of herself to be covered. And maybe she likes to have sex while being uncovered. And maybe someone is filming it as it happens. And maybe that film is playing on the TV in front of me. Is it then a sin for me to look? I think it’s a gray area.”

REPORTER: “Are you concerned at all at about SEAL Team Six?”

SAIF: “Interesting story: Right after it was known I’d be taking over, I got a nice note from them that read, ‘We want to congratulate you on your new position as head of al Qaeda. Best of luck, and we’ll soon be seeing you and shooting you in the head.’ Incidentally, I didn’t hear a single thing from SEAL Teams One through Five. So, while SEAL Team Six definitely is a competitor, I’d call it a respectful rivalry. But yes, I am worried about them shooting me in head which is why I should probably end this now and get back into hiding. So, death to America, the Great Satan. Death to Israel, the Little Satan. Death to Canada, the Semi-Satan. And death to Britain… we don’t really have a Satan name for them. Maybe ‘the Crumpet-Eating Satan’.”

Random Thoughts

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They only have intermittent internet on the International Space Station. What primitive living conditions.

I hate all the acronyms people use that I have to look up. Only acronyms people should need are LOL, RT, BTW, and TANSTAAFL.

When Buttercup was done with her food, she turned her plate over. That’s what they do at fancy restaurants.

Don’t want to make a joke about someone’s marriage breaking up. That a serious thing. It’s not for humor!

If a dog did this…

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Remember when Newt Gingrich was the darling of the right?

Seriously.

He was largely responsible for the GOP taking over the House of Representatives in 1994. So much so, he was Time’s Person of the Year in 1995. And, he was pretty successful as Speaker. There were a couple of hiccups along the way, but all things considered, he had a good run.

Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger was the darling of the right? Heck, some were even serious about changing the Constitution to allow him to run for president. “Conan the Republican,” he was called. And the “Governator.”

Now, he’s the butt of jokes — the “Sperminator” — after word of his fathering a child with a staffer.

And Sarah Palin? In 2008, to those on the right, it was almost as if the Beatles were showing up. Or Justin Bieber, to you young kids.

Some were saying they wished she was leading the ticket, not McCain. And the Sarah 2012 bumper stickers showed up before the 2008 election was done.

Now? Conservatives are crossing their fingers, hoping she won’t run.

Rather than go on with a bunch more examples — you can supply several, I’m sure — I’ll get to my point. I’m sure I had one, after all.

For each of these — and for those you come up with — we conservatives were like dogs when their master came home: we jumped up and down, all excited to see them. We’d bark and yelp and make noise showing how happy we were.

Then what happened?

The 1998 election and word of Gingrich’s latest affair, culminating with his resignation.

The evidence that a conservative in California would be a liberal in most of the rest of America. That, and Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate child.

The resignation of office, giving the left another notch on their belt, and letting people believe that all the things said were true.

The truth is, Gingrich, Schwarzenegger, and Palin haven’t changed. Not much, anyway.

So, have we?

A little. We’re acting more and more like the left.

If a dog was all happy to see you, then suddenly started baring its teeth, you’d put it down. Or you should.

But, we’re not dogs. The politicians need to understand that.

And, the politicians aren’t those rosy images we painted of them. We need to understand that.

We see something we like about someone. Something they did. Something they said. Something. And we seize on it and proclaim them the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or since the iPod.

Then, as time goes on, the person continues to act like they’ve always acted. And the other side seizes on that. And we pay attention.

Eventually, we seem to turn on the politician.

The attacks on Gingrich, the jokes about Schwarzenegger, the comments about Palin … they’re pretty rough.

Not saying they aren’t accurate or playing off truths. But they are pretty rough.

Politics is a rough sport. You gotta be tough to play it.

Now, I’m not saying we should back off. I’m saying we need to be the parents of the schoolgirls screaming because John, Paul, George, and Ringo are on the stage. We can enjoy the music, too.

And, when John says something we don’t like, we don’t need to burn Beatles records.

We are the voters. We are Americans. We are America.

We need to act like it.