Everyone has been talking about how bad the GOP field looks for 2012, so I thought I’d take a closer look and see exactly how bad it is. I remind you that these are my opinions on the candidates and do not necessarily reflect the views of IMAO or its subsidiaries, of which there are none.
Newt Gingrich – I just don’t trust the guy anymore. I mean, he was a big name in conservatism back in the 90s, but now he’s done PSAs on global warming with Nancy Pelosi and attacking Paul Ryan’s plan on Medicare which is something you’d expect from Democrats. And then there is his personal life which is a little weird. And he collects those hats British ladies wear to royal weddings and sometimes wears them — it’s just creepy.
Mitt Romney – He’s like pure, 100% politician. Can’t believe a thing he says. So the only question is do you think he’s a skillful politician, but how he’s trying to attack Obamacare while defend his Abamocare (which he says is completely different!) doesn’t really make that case. Of course, that will be the main focus of the primary, but if he somehow survives to the general, that’s going to be dominated by a very close examination of — how do I put this — the more interesting aspects of the Mormon religion. It’s going to get ugly, and from the looks of Romney, he doesn’t do ugly. In fact, he’s so plastic looking he almost runs into the uncanny valley problem.
Tim Pawlenty – He is asldngfglo… Whoa; what happened there? I fell asleep at my keyboard. Wait — it’s Monday already! How long was I out?
Herman Cain – Is America really ready for a president named “Herman”? Plus, he’s not a politician, so he probably know what he’s doing. Well, I mean he does actually know how to do useful things that contribute to society since he hasn’t lived his life on the government dole unlike career politicians, but he doesn’t know how to politic. Like when he was meeting with some supporters and shouted, “Get your ugly babies away from me!” It’s truthful — which is refreshing — but it’s not politically helpful.
Mike Huckabee – He’s not running, so I finally have something nice to say about him. But I’m going to say something mean anyway. I hate you Huckabee!
Mitch Daniels – Let’s ignore the whole “truce on social issues” and instead look at what would be the big focus if he were to gain prominence – his wife left him and their four daughters for another man and then later came back and remarried him. That’s the sort of story that makes people pity the guy, and being worthy of pity is not presidential. Plus, Mitch is a stupid name. I mean, not “Mitt” stupid, but it’s close.
Sarah Palin – Went from politician to celebrity — which I’m not quite sure is a forward move. And half a term of governor isn’t too much to hang your hat on. Still, now maybe the left will fear the prospect of her as president a lot less since there is a good chance she just might quit that too. On the plus side, she kills things. Very few presidential candidates these days have actually killed before.
Ron Paul – RON PAUL!
Chris Christie – Repeatedly says he is not running, but do we really want a president who would hand over the nuclear codes to terrorists if they waved freshly-cooked bacon in front of his face (he’s fat). I guess it’s just lucky that the terrorists don’t have bacon. Do like his straight talk, though, and his vow to hunt down and murder any teacher who complains about pay.
John Huntsman – Yes, exactly what Republicans want — a moderate who worked for Obama. They want that plus boiling water thrown in their faces. Combine John Huntsman with boiling water thrown in everyone’s face, and he’ll sweep the primaries.
Gary Johnson – I don’t even know who this is. Anyone know who this is? Anyone care?
Rick Santorum – If social issues are your one and only thing, well… there he is. The rest of us have other things to do.
Michelle Bachmann – She has crazy eyes — I hate to break it to you, but it’s true. She’s just too crazy for the general population. Not going to happen. And to me, a big part of being a true conservative is making sure you don’t sound crazy.
Frank J. – According to the Constitution, I am not yet old enough to be president — which really sucks because I would have totally fixed everything. But now I can’t do anything, and it’s the fault of those powdered wig wearing weirdos. I am eligible for a cushy Senator job if you see one open.
Basil – I don’t know much about him, but he’s weird, I don’t trust him, and he has a serial killer vibe to him. My top choice so far, though.
Did I forget anyone? If I did, consider that a commentary on him.