Why Didn’t Elizabeth Warren Claim to Be 1/32 Cowboy?
 |
Bernie Quigley excused Elizabeth Warren’s pathetic lie about her Native American heritage, saying “It is not so much a lie as it is the acculturation of personal and regional American myth; the fabric of old-soul American consciousness.”
Ridiculous.
Americans are winners. The Indians lost.
Nothing to be ashamed of, though. Americans can at least respect tough fighters. That’s why – even after 40 years of the Cold War – liquor stores still sold “vodka” instead of “All-American Tater Whiskey.” With Native Americans, we honor their relentless spirit with our sports team names, like “Indians” and “Redskins” and “Chiefs.” There’s a reason you’ll never see a team called “Hippies”, or “Biebers”, or “National Organization for Women.”
Warren might as well brag about being 1/32 Chicago Cub.
But if she wanted to just make something up based on “old-soul American consciousness,” why not embrace her inner cowboy? They successfully tamed a land while providing its citizens with tasty steaks. Plus they invented the silver bullet, which has kept our great nation werewolf-free for over 150 years.
Or why not 1/32 Chinese? They built railroads, kept our laundry sparkling white (using their powerful ancient Chinese secrets) and discovered the fold-top cardboard take-out food container.
Yeah, yeah, I know – a woman without brown eyes or straight, black hair claiming to be Chinese… who’d believe THAT?
Harvard, I suppose.
Bunch of losers. Haven’t been to a Rose Bowl since 1920. Might as well be the Cubs.
Send to Kindle
(9 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
May 23rd, 2012 at 8:34 pm
The most ancient of ancient Chinese secrets is what kind of meat is really in your pork fried rice.
May 23rd, 2012 at 8:44 pm
Q. Why didn’t Elizabeth Warren claim to be 1/32 cowboy? A. Too white.
May 23rd, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Liberals. 31/32′s hopeless.
About 1 out of 32 will make a conversion to Conservatism at some point.
May 23rd, 2012 at 11:38 pm
Because cowboys are expected to be tough, individualistic, and hard-working. Simple enough, eh?
May 23rd, 2012 at 11:57 pm
We went to see Battleship tonight.
It was Awesome.
I had to suspend my disbelief about as frequently as the movie suspended the laws of physics (which was about every 5 minutes) but we still enjoyed it.
The guy with the prosthetic legs was super extra awesome.
May 23rd, 2012 at 11:59 pm
PS: All-American Tater Whiskey?
Does that go well with ‘freedom fries’?
May 24th, 2012 at 8:10 am
All the losers stayed home in Europe, but unfortunately they were breeding a virus of superuselessness that has spread to some of their American cousins.
May 24th, 2012 at 8:13 am
Sports teams? We name things like this to honor tough fighters:
http://www.boeing.com/rotorcraft/military/ah64d/index.htm
May 24th, 2012 at 8:14 am
I think that Bernie Quigley wrote that after imbibing too much All-American Tater Whiskey, or possibly after smoking some wacky tobacky and, in a mirror image of Bill Clinton’s behavior, never exhaling.
May 24th, 2012 at 10:10 am
“Why Didn’t Elizabeth Warren Claim to Be 1/32 Cowboy?” That’s easy. The only way a mediocre troll like her could get a job is to be exploitative. Side note: One of your best Harvey.
May 24th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Obama: “My great, great grandfather (who was great like me) was a tribal chieftain in Kenya. Therefore I am 1/32 smart. Plus I am 3/4 Good, which makes me a g-od.”
May 24th, 2012 at 12:34 pm
“And that makes Michelle 64/32 Kardashian. Heh.”
May 24th, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Come to think of it, since a lot of cowboys were in fact black, claiming cowboy ancestry also automatically gives you a leg up in the “diversity” sweepstakes!