Straight Line of the Day: In the New ‘Reboot’ Version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In the new ‘reboot’ version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’…

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  1. …a gritty, hard-drinking Charlie (voiced by Jeff Bridges) sets out on a mission of vengeance after someone kills Linus and steals his Christmas tree, only to discover that the killer is one of his own friends, and the theft of the tree is part of a larger scheme with dire consequences, leading to an violence-packed race against time to save Christmas itself.

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  2. Seeing a large, decorated tree in the window down the street, and after watching that family enjoy a hearty Christmas feast with all the trimmings she laments over; Peppermint Patty leads the kids to occupy that home and take their “Fair Share.”

    After his WWI Flying Ace fantasy, Snoopy is put on trial for war crimes.

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  3. In the new ‘reboot’ version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’… Snoopy has to perform a doghouse abortion on Sally after she conceives Linus’s love child because the much needed birth control that the newly introduced Sandra Fluke character cried out for had to be paid for out of pocket.

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  4. During this new ‘Festivus’ version Lucy dominates all the ‘Airing of Grievances’ time during the Festivus meal. Charlie Brown, Linus, Schroeder, and Snoopy compete in the ‘Feats of Strength,’ until Snoopy accidently eats Woodstock. Sally and Freida perform some rather risque routines on the ‘Festivus Pole,’ which oddly enough doesn’t have anything to do with traditional Festivus traditions….

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  5. …the Peanuts gang rejoices as they sing carols to the baby Obama in a manger under the Kwanzaa tree.

    …the school nurse hands out special Christmas condoms and lecture them that Science! proves that global warming is caused by white people.

    …the Volt bursts into flame, killing Santa.

    …Linus uses a Big Bird toy to show the police where Harry Reid touched him.

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  6. …Charlie gets lost and alone in Detroit when Christmas is saved as he loots an Apple Store during a riot.

    …Lucy is jailed for being a bully and it’s The Best Christmas Ever!!!

    …the Browns are unable to find work or buy presents. Luckily at the last minute Obama arrives and tells them that they are atheists and don’t celebrate Christmas.

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  7. …the part where Linus quotes “The book of Luke” is overdubbed with quotes from “An Inconvient Truth” and the singing of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” is overdubbed by kindergartners chanting “Barak Hussein Obama…MMM MMM MM!”

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  8. In the new ‘reboot’ version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’…entering their twilight years and fearing they’ll lose their Syndication Security checks, the Peanuts gang experience “white guilt” and elect Franklin as the lead character.

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  9. In the new ‘reboot’ version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’…Snoopy-shan takes to the skies as the “Red Chairman,” piloting a J-31 Shenyang in glorious aerial combat against capitalist dogs when his aircraft is stricken and he must bail out over South Korea. Snoopy-shan crawls through the DMZ to the safety of North Korea, where he is spirited north to an awaiting reeducation camp for embarrassing the beloved President Xi Jinping.

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  10. In the new ‘reboot’ version of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’…feeling depressed, Charlie Brown visits Lucy Van Pelt at her affordable psychiatry booth, only to learn that under the Affordable Care Act her rates have gone up from a nickel to $35.63 cents to cover the cartoon characters that refuse to get health insurance, and that Lucy must disclose to the government that he’s being treated for a mental health issue and isn’t allowed to possess firearms. That night, BATFE agents storm Charlie’s house to look for guns and “inadvertently” shoot Snoopy and Woodstock as menacing pets.

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  11. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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