Straight Line of the Day: The Most Surprising Moment During the Pope’s Farewell Speech…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The most surprising moment during the Pope’s farewell speech

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  1. …was Dennis Rodman and the Harlem Globetrotters showing up to challenge the Vatican Cardinals.

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  2. …was when a cardinal corrected him as follows:
    1) Sip the wine, don’t gulp.
    2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
    10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
    12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
    13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.
    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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  3. Joe Biden gave him a shotgun as a going away present

    Hilary Clinton annouced she would be a candiate

    Benedict was happy that he could catch up on last season of “The Borgias”

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  4. …was when he spent 10 minutes complaining about spending so much time coming up with sequester punchlines only to have Harvey dash his hopes.

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  5. …was when he veered into Lou Gherig mode. “Today (-ay-ay-ay) I consider myself (-elf-elf-elf) the holiest pontif on the face of the Earth (-rth -rth -rth).”

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  6. … “While i can’t say specifically what was revealed at Fatima, Obama figured prominently, and I don’t wan’t to be around to see how it plays out.”

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  7. …was when millions of American Catholics wished that President Obama would perform a similar abdication.

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  8. …was when the Pope finished his remarks with, “Now I may have 99 problems, but the church ain’t one.”

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  9. …was when Michelle Obama introduced him via satellite.

    …was the crowd holding up BIC lighters and yelling “Freebird!”

    …was the impromptu mosh pit.

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  10. …was refusing to take questions on the Church’s sex scandals, saying, “Hey, that’s why I’m leaving this crummy job. You can’t handle the truth.”

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  11. …was saying his only plan for the future was to go into the woods and look for a pooping bear.

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  12. …the confused look on Eric Clapton”s face when the Pope ended with a blistering guitar solo.

    …was admitting that the likelihood of a TSA pat-down was why he was canceling his plans to move to West Virginia to practice for the afterlife.

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  13. …was when he said “I’m out, bitches!” and dropped the mic as he walked off stage

    …Was when he delivered his speech in Klingon

    …was when Michele Obama showed up on a projection screen behind him and announced who the next pope will be

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  14. …was the guest muscians Pussy Riot.

    …was when he used the moment to introduce his new line of Vatican hygiene products, Pope-On-A-Rope.

    …was when the Bishop knelt down to kiss his ring, it buzzed.

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  15. …was when he announced that he was NOT part of Obama’s sequester, but his own.

    (See, this is a good, clean, highly-cultured joke.)

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  16. …. was when he admonished Obama for copying Napoleon and crowning himself rather than letting the Pope do it

    …. was when he yelled at all the people outside to get off his lawn

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  17. …was when he said, “You won’t have Benedict to kick around anymore.”

    …was at the end when there was a bright flash and big puff of smoke, and when it cleared you could see the former Pope running off wearing an Hawaiian shirt and a fedora.

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  18. …when he said, “Fight the real enemy,” and tore up a picture of Sinead O’Connor.

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  19. …was when one of the Cardinals announced there would be no Benediction at the end of the ceremony.

    (ba da ding ding ding… dong.)

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  20. …was when he summed up his time as pope saying “If my pontificate was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through.”

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  21. …the pause for John Travolta’s exorcism took almost three minutes.

    …was wishing Obama would read the Ten Commandments out loud so his supporters would follow their saviors words.

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  22. @43: “So what the heck is it doing here?”

    Maybe, representing multiculturalism??? Yeah, that’s it. IMAO needs more multiculture. Frank is promoting that.

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  23. .. was his apology for the way that priests had become fishers of men.

    … was the fact that he would now have to live on a crucifixed income.

    … was that he took his 401K. … Not 401(K), mind you; but 401K.

    … was when the Church announced it would be under new wordofGodmadefleshinmanagement.

    … was that he was Holy Seequestered.

    … was that he was Gallileed off.

    … (without Easter bennies.)

    … was the ambiguity of his statement “That’s it. No more papal bull.”

    … was his use of the Latin term for “handbasket.”

    … was his observation that Obama was going to enter Jerusalem next month, and constantly mumbling “gettin’ out while the gettin’s good.”

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  24. . . . was when he tore up a picture of Sinead O’Connor, said, “Du kannst mir am Arsch lecken, Hure” and provided the opportunity.

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  25. Oops, sorry, just saw that Bob in Feenicks # 45 sorta beat me to it. His was much more polite, however.

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  26. Rodney Dill #6: Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

    If one is a Girl Scout, however, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “Good bread, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”

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  27. . . . acknowledged his leaving was to make room for Jesus’ return and his subsequent battle with Obama for our souls.

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  28. …was when he ended with a stiff right-arm salute from the balcony and a “Seig Heil” ringing through the square. You can take the German Youth out of Germany…..

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  29. …was when he ended it by ripping off the robe to reveal that he was only wearing a Speedo and the Ruby Slippers; then clicking his heels three times while saying “There’s no place like home”.

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  30. …was when he tossed The Holy Handgernade. However, since he mistakenly stopped counting at “2” in order to cover his ears, catastophe was averted.

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  31. …when he ended the speech and Johnny Paycheck singing “Take This Job And Shove It” blared over the speakers as he made his exit.

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  32. ….was when he admitted he was leaving the church because Jamie Foxx made him realize that Obama was our true Lord and Saviour.

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  33. …was making sure our souls were not endangered by declaring Earth a sin free zone until the next Pope is selected.

    …admitting he was retiring because it was discovered all popes had been wearing their hats backward for over six hundred years.

    …whenever the crowd became unruly, loud or sneaky, Jill Biden ran out and fired her shotgun to clear St. Peters Square, and she also used it to “restore” much of the Sistine Chapel’s overly religious depictions to a more suitable separation of church and the state of grace theme Joe likes so much.

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  34. . . . was his last edict stating that: No Catholic shall partake of mind -altering substances for Lent.

    It was followed by a riot across the U. S.

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  35. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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