Straight Line of the Day: The Most Surprising Moment During the Pope’s Farewell Speech…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The most surprising moment during the Pope’s farewell speech

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  1. …was when a cardinal corrected him as follows:
    1) Sip the wine, don’t gulp.
    2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
    10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
    12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
    13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.
    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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  2. …the confused look on Eric Clapton”s face when the Pope ended with a blistering guitar solo.

    …was admitting that the likelihood of a TSA pat-down was why he was canceling his plans to move to West Virginia to practice for the afterlife.

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  3. …was when he said “I’m out, bitches!” and dropped the mic as he walked off stage

    …Was when he delivered his speech in Klingon

    …was when Michele Obama showed up on a projection screen behind him and announced who the next pope will be

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  4. …was the guest muscians Pussy Riot.

    …was when he used the moment to introduce his new line of Vatican hygiene products, Pope-On-A-Rope.

    …was when the Bishop knelt down to kiss his ring, it buzzed.

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  5. …. was when he admonished Obama for copying Napoleon and crowning himself rather than letting the Pope do it

    …. was when he yelled at all the people outside to get off his lawn

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  6. …was when he said, “You won’t have Benedict to kick around anymore.”

    …was at the end when there was a bright flash and big puff of smoke, and when it cleared you could see the former Pope running off wearing an Hawaiian shirt and a fedora.

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  7. …was when he summed up his time as pope saying “If my pontificate was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through.”

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  8. …the pause for John Travolta’s exorcism took almost three minutes.

    …was wishing Obama would read the Ten Commandments out loud so his supporters would follow their saviors words.

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  9. .. was his apology for the way that priests had become fishers of men.

    … was the fact that he would now have to live on a crucifixed income.

    … was that he took his 401K. … Not 401(K), mind you; but 401K.

    … was when the Church announced it would be under new wordofGodmadefleshinmanagement.

    … was that he was Holy Seequestered.

    … was that he was Gallileed off.

    … (without Easter bennies.)

    … was the ambiguity of his statement “That’s it. No more papal bull.”

    … was his use of the Latin term for “handbasket.”

    … was his observation that Obama was going to enter Jerusalem next month, and constantly mumbling “gettin’ out while the gettin’s good.”

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  10. Rodney Dill #6: Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

    If one is a Girl Scout, however, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “Good bread, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”

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  11. …was when he ended it by ripping off the robe to reveal that he was only wearing a Speedo and the Ruby Slippers; then clicking his heels three times while saying “There’s no place like home”.

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  12. …was making sure our souls were not endangered by declaring Earth a sin free zone until the next Pope is selected.

    …admitting he was retiring because it was discovered all popes had been wearing their hats backward for over six hundred years.

    …whenever the crowd became unruly, loud or sneaky, Jill Biden ran out and fired her shotgun to clear St. Peters Square, and she also used it to “restore” much of the Sistine Chapel’s overly religious depictions to a more suitable separation of church and the state of grace theme Joe likes so much.

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  13. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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