Best Quote on Michelle at the Oscars

[High Praise! to Teri O’Brien]

This Teri O’Brien headline:

Michelle Hijacks Oscars: Like Finding a Rat in the Bottom of Your Salad Bowl

[My heartfelt apologies to salad-bowl rats everywhere for the comparison.]

Just Say Nyet

Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a law that will ban smoking in most public places in Russia.

Must be prepping for a run at Bloomberg’s job.

Those Whistles Really DO Work

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Link of the Day: Satire – Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late

[High Praise! to The Duffel Blog]

Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Wisdom of the Day: Amway Trek Nazis Shotgun Swing History

A Moment With Joe Biden: Gun Talk (The Interview)

[by Son of Bob]

[NOTE: I talked Son of Bob into doing another Moment With Joe in response to Biden’s Field & Stream interview. If you applaud loudly enough in the comments, you may be able to convince him to do some more]

And now, an interview with Joe Biden…

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Welcome back. I’m John Weller and joining us now to share his insight into the long-overdue national discussion on gun control is the Vice President of the United States. Vice President Biden, welcome to Good Morning Cincinnati.

JOE BIDEN: Well, thank you Jim. It’s always a pleasure to be here. And, you can be sure that this time I’ll remember to bring my wife, Jill, back some of your wonderful Philly Cheesesteaks. If I forget this time I’ll really be in the doghouse.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Mr. Vice President, it’s clear that the mass shooting at the Sandy Hook school really drove home to most Americans that guns are a danger to even the most innocent Americans.

JOE BIDEN: Well, that’s true Joe. And, you know I keep hearing this malarkey about how Barack and I want to take your guns away and, frankly, I don’t know how this stuff gets started. Listen to me! Listen to what I say here! No one, I mean no one is coming to take your guns! People, get real here!

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: So then, what exactly are you and the president calling for?

JOE BIDEN: What Barack is proposing has nothing to do with the Second Amendment. And, let me say this again! No one is coming to take your guns. All we’re proposing is just much needed, common sense legislation that will make it a federal offense for a private citizen to own a firearm.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Then citizens will not be allowed to own guns…

JOE BIDEN: Hey, hey, now Jacob, don’t try to do me like that. I’ve been at this for a long time, and I won’t play your little games here. What we’re suggesting is that there be a voluntary program whereby citizens have the ability to turn in their firearms. It’s a voluntary program, just like paying your taxes. And, if you do so voluntarily there will be no fines, no jail time but, again, let me make this perfectly clear: it’s a matter of every citizen doing his or her part, and that should happen. So, there won’t be anyone coming for your guns. So, we need to stop talking this nonsense.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Who will be allowed to own firearms?

JOE BIDEN: Well Joel, if you read the Constitution…which, let me tell you something. When I became president I took an oath to uphold the Constitution, and there’s been no better friend to the Constitution than Joe Biden. But, it says right in the Constitution that, and I quote, “The President shall have the right to bypass and/or supersede all laws and amendments when they interfere with his ability to provide for the betterment of the republic.” That’s right in the Constitution, put in there by the Founding Fathers. Look it up. Right now we’re on the verge of insanity… there’s insanity out there. Just the other day we had a shooting – I forget where it was – but, a guy knocked on his neighbor’s door and yells something, joking around, and the guy fires a 12-gauge shotgun through the door and killed him. Who would think to do something that stupid? I mean, c’mon, we need to make sure that only sensible people can legally possess guns…responsible professionals, like professional law enforcement.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: What’s your message to those who claim their gun is their means of protection?

JOE BIDEN: Look Jake, why would any average citizen need a gun? I mean, that’s why we have police and Secret Service people to protect us. Why would you need to own a firearm? Let the Secret Service people…they’re trained professionals, let them do their job, for Christ sake.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Now, some will say that people who have concealed carry permits have also undergone training similar to the training that police and…

JOE BIDEN: C’mon Jack, are you trying to tell me that an average Joe that undergoes some training classes is the same as a professional law officer? C’mon, you’re smarter than that. Does the average citizen have a police hat? A whistle? Of course not. These guys and gals – our brave professional law officers who are out there everyday keeping the streets safe in cities like Detroit, Chicago, and right here in Cleveland – they’re not just average citizens, they’re professionals. You start putting guns in the hands of everyday citizens and you’ll end up with more and more like this Dorner guy out in California who was going around shooting cops. Look, the American people are clamoring for there to be tighter laws to keep guns out of the hands of everyday people, and that’s why I’m out here going city to city doing interviews and talking with people to try to convince them to support us.

LIBERAL INTERVIEWER: Well, thank you for being with us today Mr. Vice President.

JOE BIDEN: No, thank you Jason.

Obama Movie References

Holy mixed metaphors, Iron Man! After using, without irony, the phrase “Jedi mind-meld“, one wonders what Obama will come up with next.

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Say hello to my little friend.”

“That’s not a knife. This… is… Sparta!”

Your turn.

What Can Realistically Be Done with Detroit?

So the governor of Michigan is going to appoint an emergency manager for Detroit. Well, that’s only a couple decades too later.

So what’s the realistic option to turn around Detroit, though? How desperate would a business have to be to move there given the better option of absolutely every other place in America? We probably should just do the sensible thing and abandon it, build a fence around the area, and put up signs telling people to stay out. Because really he best Detroit can hope to be now is a warning to others.

“But, grandpa, what lies beyond that fence?”

“A place we no longer speak of. A city destroyed.”

“Destroyed by what? A nuclear bomb?”

“Worse: liberalism. The left tried to manage a whole city, and now the place is uninhabitable for a thousand years.”

“But that won’t happen to our town, can it?”

“I hope not, Timmy. I hope not.”

Straight Line of the Day: What Will Become of the Laid Off IRS Workers?

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

What will become of the laid off IRS workers?

8 Things You Can Do to Pick Up the Slack of Sequestered Government

So we’re a couple days into the sequester; how is everyone holding out? You may seem fine now, but let’s not underestimate the devastating effects of having marginally smaller government. In fact, to keep order in this country, maybe we can all pick up some of the slack of our 2% smaller government.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP REPLACE GOVERNMENT

* While friends and neighbors are trying to work on useful things, yell at them.

* If anyone needs something from you, make him wait in a line.

* Propose big, new, unproven ideas that you have no idea how to fund.

* Do your best not to comprehend the needs or concerns of anyone.

* Advise people on how to do jobs you’ve never done yourself.

* Make people fill out lots of forms before doing anything, no matter how simple.

* Build a bridge for no particular reason.

* Point a gun at people and take money from them. Spend the money frivolously.

Any other ideas on how we make it like government is still around in full force?

Random Thoughts: Gay Marriage, Spock, and Malaysia

So got a big bonus… but only got to keep 60% of it after tax withholdings. Am I rich or something?

But oh no, the government can’t cut 2%! Let’s just take all of Frank’s money; he’s just got a 2nd kid on the way. He can deal!

Know what? We could cut the government 50% and we’d only just be getting started. I am so tired of this crap.

Status quo on marriage isn’t going to last. But having government redefine an important religious tenet is absolutely idiotic.

If conservatives want to do something in the gay marriage battle other than mope around, they need to propose an actual solution.

We need a divorce between marriage and the state. It’s been bad for it for many years, and it’s time for a break up.

The gay marriage proponents argument to have the state redefine marriage is idiotic, but it’s better than anything from the other side.

That’s why they’re winning and making such quick progress.

Christians should be at the forefront of insuring separation of church and state. Anything connected to government gets corrupted.

So conservatives need to propose radical, new, progressive solution: The state should not be in the marriage business.

Point of Order: Marriage isn’t a right. It involves haven’t the government enforce stuff for you. If rights relied on govt, we’d be screwed.

Obama: “As Spock always said…” **imitates Chewbacca growl**

Obama: “All this is totally not my fault. I didn’t even want to be president.”

Obama: “Come on, you guys; I don’t know what’s going on. I just work here.”

I assume Hobo with a Shotgun 2 will star Joe Biden.

“I’m not dictator. I’m not judge. I’m just Buttercup!” -if my 2-y.o. daughter were president

She would not make a good president. She constantly argues that everything she wants is in the budget, so basically we’d have Obama again.

The problem with democracy is that something doesn’t become less oppressive because a million people are doing it you instead of just one.

I never even met Andrew Breitbart and I really miss him. He made the online world for the right a much more interesting place.

The more you tighten your grip, Obama, the more tax dollars will slip through your fingers.

“I don’t like Republicans. They’re coarse and rough and irritating, and they get everywhere.” #ObamaQuotes

“Hold me, like you did during the campaign in ’08.” #ObamaQuotes

“There is no budget.”

Uh oh. Buttercup is scared of her Batman toy. Only criminals are supposed to be scared of Batman.

So do I need to replace my “The Current Regime in Malaysia Is Awesome!” blog post with an editor’s note?

Biden: What… Me Worry?

Speaking at the White House, Joe Biden said that Americans are “no longer worried about the economy”.

True. “Worrying” is for when you still have hope something will get better.