[High Praise! to The Astute Bloggers]
After they outlaw guns to make us safe, they can outlaw poverty and war and racism and disease and…
…And then pass a law making it illegal to break these laws.
Archive of entries posted on 1st March 2013
Assault Rifle Nonsense: Clarified for Those Who Don’t Quite Get It Yet
Things Named After Obama: Weed!
[High Praise! to American Digest]
Our Strain of the Union is here! A leader in it’s own right. Obama, is a heavy indica strain that is great for late afternoon or night time medication. This hard to find quintessential strain is sweet and pungent. The inhalation is smooth, resulting in a full body warmth and strong mental high. All hail as you chief!
Yes, this is a real thing.
Link of the Day: Satire – Kerry’s Secretary of State To-Do List
[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]
Secretary of State Kerry Reporting for Duty
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Wisdom of the Day: Mobsters Bois Golf Soul Patch Cereal Drunk Raisins Commenters
Trust me, you’d never eat mobsters again if you saw them being made.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) February 28, 2013
Be sure to check out my new HBO series “Bois,” the story of three twentysomething guys in Brooklyn and their roommate W.E.B. DuBois
— Will Rahn (@willrahn) February 28, 2013
Obama has two speeds: Golf and Attack.
— Jim Treacher (@jtLOL) February 28, 2013
Maybe if we re-name it Bottom-Lip Hitler Mustache we can finally make positive steps toward eradicating the soul patch.
— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) February 28, 2013
I’m dying for a breakfast cereal but I’d also like to eat some superstitious symbols of good fortune. Not sure what my options are here.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 28, 2013
Drunk girls click “reply all” when they talk.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 28, 2013
“Eighty percent of success is looking like chocolate chips. Ha ha, fooled you.” — Raisins
— Robot Chicken (@cyborgturkey) February 28, 2013
Good burn: “I agree with your commenters.”
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) February 28, 2013
Probably Keeps This List Right Next to the Border Fence
The Mexican government is asking the US government to hand over a list of all guns owned by residents in Border States.
Really? What the heck makes them think that the Obama administration can keep track of guns?
Emperor Obama
The Best CEO Departure Letter Ever
This letter from the former Groupon CEO has to be the best departure letter ever. Basically, with humor he owns up to his failure. But this has to be the coolest part:
For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be – I love Groupon, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with having failed at this part of the journey. If Groupon was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through.
A Battletoads reference! Which got me thinking: Why don’t we see more classic video game references in every day life? You can expect people to get references to classic literature and movies, but video game references are thought to be more obscure. But any one should be able to get references to classic video game or you are simply not a cultured person.
Though, I have to admit, I had to Google to remember what the Terra Tubes level was. I never made it to that level on the original NES game; I think the furthest I made it was the level before: Intruder Excluder (I later played through the whole thing with an emulator using save states to help me). Man, Battletoads was a crazy game. It starts out with this deceptively fun first level… and then just pummels you mercilessly after that. It’s like if you were playing Mario 64 and after you got the first star the game turned into Dark Souls. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re not cultured.
Straight Line of the Day: The Most Surprising Moment During the Pope’s Farewell Speech…
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The most surprising moment during the Pope’s farewell speech…
11 Things to Look Out for in the Sequester
SEQUESTER!!!!!1!11!!eleventy!!1!!
The sequester is has started! Blogging it probably going to be light as I need to count the shotgun shells in my sequester shelter. How we’re going to survive with the federal government 2% smaller I don’t know, but we need to try.
Here are some things to look out for during the sequester:
* Days will be shorter.
* Previously friendly dogs may attack.
* The earth will be unstable and could break open.
* Fewer daily deals on Amazon.
* The moon may drift out or the earth’s orbit.
* Chance of birdemic outbreak increased by 3%.
* 170 million jobs will be lost.
* Squirrels will overrun parks.
* Vampires will lost their sparkle.
* You may start to get a Canadian accent.
* More short blog posts made to look longer using lists.
Random Thoughts: Woodward, Batman, and Chocolate
Like how reporters are sure Obama doesn’t know this is going on, like it’s good he’s this naive waif oblivious to everything.
Contrary to Joe Biden’s advice, I’ve never been very good with a shotgun in Call of Duty. AR-15 works much better.
At no point will the Democrats ever say they’ve taxed the rich enough. That’s the drum they need to keep beating to make the dummies dance.
You know, we aren’t in this situation because the rich needed Social Security and Medicare.
Hollywood loves remakes, so here’s my pitch: Remake of “All the President’s Men,” but with a twist: Woodward is the villain!
If Obama were developmentally disabled, the way the press rallies behind him would be a heroic, tear-jerking story.
Think my next column topic should be: “Is the press doing enough to protect our hapless president?”
It’s dishonest to quote Andrew Sullivan and not preface his name with “noted nutball.”
“Why are you talking about the auditory nerve? That’s completely ear-relevant.”
Battletoads was a weird game. Has a deceptively fun first level and then beats the crap out of you after that.
The equivalent would be after getting the first star in Mario 64 the game turned into Dark Souls.
A cultured person should understand video game references.
How are voters going to react to Ashley Judd’s mysteriously puffy face?
I’m a libertarian except in areas where I don’t like what other people are doing and want the government to come stop them.
Every other Batman arc should be about Robin getting killed.
Never understood why milk chocolate exists when there is this thing called “dark chocolate.”
What was the pitch on milk chocolate? “Some people like chocolate, but they don’t like the… you know… chocolate taste.”
The best defense against the sequester is to fire a shotgun through the door.
Best Explanation Yet of Obama’s Handling of Benghazi
[High Praise! to Hatless in Hattiesburg]
The reason for the Benghazi coverup is because Obama was reading “My Pet Goat”, and it took him much longer to finish than Bush.
You’ve Been Judged!
Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Raul Castro announced he will retire. Replacing him will be…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.