… it will refer you back to the website, which refers you to a different phone number, which refers you back tot he website, where you can download a form to fill out by hand, which will result (in 6-8 weeks) with a return mail that gives you an email address which is manned by a “bot” that basically just tells you to go **** yourself.
… they’re going to want to know your name. If you give them your name, they will want your Social Security Number. If you give them your Social Security Number, they will want your address. If you given them your address, they will ask for your medical history. If you give them your medical history, they will ask for your income. When you give them your income, they will tell you you can afford the computer and therefore use the website. And when you use the website, it will tell you to call the Obamacare hotline.
(With all due apologies to “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”
…you are thanked for your call, which is important to them, and put on hold while an attendant gets right to you, and while you’re on hold listening to “Glorious Leader Symphony” you’re asked if you’ve given any thought to supporting Democrats in the 2014 elections, since the Republicans will throw you off a cliff and beat your children to death with a tire iron, then asked to please hold because your call is so VERY VERY important to them, and have you tried the Web site (which can answer all your questions and get you signed up right now!), and while you hold here’s a little reminder that Democrats are the party of free stuff while Republicans are the party of eating baby spleens, and if you hold just a few more hours someone will be right with you….
…to be charged $9.99 per minute for this consult please press 1, but expect a tax audit next year.
…to be charged $19.99 per minute for this consult, and receive a free Obamaphone please press 2.
…to be charged $39.00 per minute for this consult, and a signed picture of the Obamamessiah press 3.
…to be charged a one time fee of $1599.00 for this consult, please stay on the line or hang up….
… you are taken through a Byzantine voice-mail menu system, which when the numbers subjected to numerological analysis, spells out that you sell your soul to the devil.
. . . Thank you for calling the Obamacare exchanges. Please listen carefully as our menu options change frequently as we try to fix this damn thing.
Press “1” if you think Obamacare is the best thing ever to happen to this country and want to try and enroll
Press “2” if you think Boehner, Cruz, and the other Republican leaders are terrorists that we should send to jail
Press “3” if you want to make a donation to the DNC
Press “4” if you are not diabetic, want some of Anonymiss’ cookies and Michelle says that you ate all your veggies
Press “0” to hear these options again
…Donald Fagen will visit your house to deliver a hand written thank you from Obama and a reminder to not lose that number, because you will need it on every visit to your randomly chosen doctor.
…the eighty people whose coverage you will be paying for will have your honorary photo affixed to their specimen cups.
…you will be probationally non-racist until you are a member for life and never say anything derogatory about Obama or Obamacare. Your racist status returns if you are, or act too white or are determined to live very long.
…and realize from experience that it is the same as the suicide hotline you will know why the death panel wants your first premium paid before you get to receive any benefits.
…instead of hold music they play Obama speaches.
…if you utter anything negative about Obamacare, or Obama, the NSA will be at your door quicker than you can sign up for a plan but don’t worry since the health coverage in the secret NSA gulag is Obamacare approved.
…you realize pretty quick that your cable provider is not really that bad
…you’ll hear “Hail To The Chief”. Then a voice telling you, “Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered by the next available agent. Your current estimated wait is 2 days, 17 hours and 35 minutes.” Followed by “Hail To The Chief”. etc etc
… the crank turns, causing a swinging boot to kick over a bucket, rolling the marble down the rickety stairs hitting the pole knocking a ball into the bathtub onto the seesaw flinging a diver into a tub dropping the cage over the mouse, and voila!!!! Health insurance!
… You get an oddly specific recording: Now press option ‘1’ to sign over all of your private information to the government. Oh, very cute, you pressed the ‘0’ instead. You honestly think that there’s a way out of government control? Well fine, in seven hours you’ll be dead. First you’re going to slam the phone down, then you’ll turn and trip on the cord to your TV, your crash straight through your window and dangle by one leg, then passing kids will throw some rocks and then you’ll start to beg. Then your ankle will slip free and let you drop, but when you hit the pavement far below, you’ll probably stop. The emergency room with loose your papers, you’ll die in pain and alone, and the only way to avoid this fate is stay here on the phone…. Do we understand each other?
… The automated system determines that you are not calling on your Obamaphone, please go out and beat the nearest Republican and take their phone to call back on, don’t worry, it’s not theft, it’s a tax.
… and are patient enough to wait four hours on hold, you get to talk to “Peggy”.
… it will refer you back to the website, which refers you to a different phone number, which refers you back tot he website, where you can download a form to fill out by hand, which will result (in 6-8 weeks) with a return mail that gives you an email address which is manned by a “bot” that basically just tells you to go **** yourself.
…you are referred to the website, and vice versa.
… you are naively optimistic.
… you will double-counted as an “applicant” by the Administration.
… they’re going to want to know your name. If you give them your name, they will want your Social Security Number. If you give them your Social Security Number, they will want your address. If you given them your address, they will ask for your medical history. If you give them your medical history, they will ask for your income. When you give them your income, they will tell you you can afford the computer and therefore use the website. And when you use the website, it will tell you to call the Obamacare hotline.
(With all due apologies to “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”
…you are routed to an outsourced service agent in India or alternately, Mexico.
… you can avoid the “tax” (ala John Roberts) imposed on anyone who doesn’t call the hotline number.
…you get forwarded to 634-5789
… you will be asked to present your photo id.
… in the next 20 minutes, you can get half-off your first co-pay! Call Now!
…you get forwarded to 867-5309
…you are thanked for your call, which is important to them, and put on hold while an attendant gets right to you, and while you’re on hold listening to “Glorious Leader Symphony” you’re asked if you’ve given any thought to supporting Democrats in the 2014 elections, since the Republicans will throw you off a cliff and beat your children to death with a tire iron, then asked to please hold because your call is so VERY VERY important to them, and have you tried the Web site (which can answer all your questions and get you signed up right now!), and while you hold here’s a little reminder that Democrats are the party of free stuff while Republicans are the party of eating baby spleens, and if you hold just a few more hours someone will be right with you….
…you will be told that if this is a real emergency, please call someone who cares.
…to be charged $9.99 per minute for this consult please press 1, but expect a tax audit next year.
…to be charged $19.99 per minute for this consult, and receive a free Obamaphone please press 2.
…to be charged $39.00 per minute for this consult, and a signed picture of the Obamamessiah press 3.
…to be charged a one time fee of $1599.00 for this consult, please stay on the line or hang up….
… you will learn that the federal government’s idea of “customer service” is somewhere in the neighborhood of their idea of “web design”.
…a hollow voice says “fool”
…you will discover what life was like prior to Alexander Graham Bell.
… you are taken through a Byzantine voice-mail menu system, which when the numbers subjected to numerological analysis, spells out that you sell your soul to the devil.
… and you actually get someone helpful, hang up! Because you probably mis-dialed and got a scam artist instead.
(To cut off the obvious rejoinder, yes, the “official” site are scam artists too, just in a different way.)
…baby Jesus cries.
…an angel loses its wings.
…it counts as getting though the first circle of hell.
…make sure you have a hefty supply of milk and Anonymiss’ cookes cuz you gonna be dere a loooooooonnnnng time bub.
… do not, repeat do not, be at all concerned by the automated message asking you to have your credit card and a tube of KY handy.
(corrected)
…make sure you have a hefty supply of milk and Anonymiss’ cookies cuz you gonna be dere a loooooooonnnnng time bub.
…you wait for Mildred to pick up and ask for Midway 46368
@24: anyone clever enough to get Anonymiss’ cookies shouldn’t be calling the OCare hotline in the first place.
…uhhhh….khakis.
@28 unless you’re calling just to ask the navigators if their fridge is running.
… you can be naked while you do it, which is just as well, since the person on the other end of the line is, too.
…say hello to the NSA.
… try to spice up the conversation, because the folks at the NSA are getting bored.
…you get routed to a TATA call center in India where barely compresehsible operator named Vikram
asks you “what is it you can’t face”.
… it will make you yearn for the efficiency of the DMV waiting room.
@22 – A devil gets it’s horns.
The average IQ of the country drops a tenth a point.
… make sure you tell your family, so they won’t file a missing persons report after they haven’t seen you for a few days.
Dean Winters answers….
…you just get a series of beeps and static…like someone mistakenly put a fax machine on that line.
…you can hear someone yell in the background “hey! hang up, I’m trying to get on the internet!”
…it’s sorta like watching the video in the movie, The Ring.
…you get a recorded message that says “Our menu options have changed. You now have no options.”
…you actually get to talk to Biden while on hold
…instead of hold music, it’s just a recording Pelosi, Ried and Obama laughing
…instead of hold music, you get Obama reading his favorite passages from the Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals
…your phone instantly grows a cord and a rotary dial.
…if you’re lucky, you waste several hours of your time, drain your phone battery and waste some airtime. If you’re not lucky, you get Obamacare.
…you’ll feel dirty afterwards and need a shower.
….in Soviet America Obamacare hotline calls YOU
…you are told that, if you like your first-born male child, you can keep your first-born male child.
…you’ll discover that you’re now for some reason required to provide the breed and weight of your dog when you sign up.
…someone drinks your milkshake.
…you will be accused of bullying.
…the operator will ask you personal questions about your underwear.
@54: Oddly enough, that happens to me on every call I make. I just thought it was the new replacement for “hello”.
… the NSA will notify the IRS that you are unable to signup for Obamacare and then associate you with the TEA Party to deny you tax exempt status.
Mistress Michelle will humiliate you for only 1 trillion per minute.
…you will be told, “There is no cake, there is no ice cream, there is no Anonymiss’ cookies… Happy Birthday.”
…the first thing you hear is Joshua asking “Shall we play a game?”
…you hear Joshua asking “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?”
……….(nothing)
(crickets chirping)
…all you get is a fine how do you do.
…you will be given a Weighted Companion Cube and tasked with signing it up for Obamacare. If you succeed, you will be rewarded with black forest cake.
. . . Thank you for calling the Obamacare exchanges. Please listen carefully as our menu options change frequently as we try to fix this damn thing.
Press “1” if you think Obamacare is the best thing ever to happen to this country and want to try and enroll
Press “2” if you think Boehner, Cruz, and the other Republican leaders are terrorists that we should send to jail
Press “3” if you want to make a donation to the DNC
Press “4” if you are not diabetic, want some of Anonymiss’ cookies and Michelle says that you ate all your veggies
Press “0” to hear these options again
…Donald Fagen will visit your house to deliver a hand written thank you from Obama and a reminder to not lose that number, because you will need it on every visit to your randomly chosen doctor.
…the eighty people whose coverage you will be paying for will have your honorary photo affixed to their specimen cups.
…you will be probationally non-racist until you are a member for life and never say anything derogatory about Obama or Obamacare. Your racist status returns if you are, or act too white or are determined to live very long.
…and realize from experience that it is the same as the suicide hotline you will know why the death panel wants your first premium paid before you get to receive any benefits.
…you hear a high pitched whining as the phone on the other end melts.
…a talking lizard will raise your health insurance by 150% or more.
…Janet Napolitano will talk sexy to you.
…after 6 hours on hold, your call will be redirected to the Suicide Hotline as a courtesy.
…it counts as a lifeline.
…instead of hold music they play Obama speaches.
…if you utter anything negative about Obamacare, or Obama, the NSA will be at your door quicker than you can sign up for a plan but don’t worry since the health coverage in the secret NSA gulag is Obamacare approved.
If You Call the Obamacare Hotline Number…
…you’ll be asked if you want to have phone sex with Kathleen Sebelius — while you wait for a navigator.
…you’ll be asked if you want to schedule an appointment to have phone sex with Lois Lerner, Hillary Clinton, Janet Napolitano, or Lisa Jackson.
…you will be directed to undress, sit in front of your computer and turn on the video camera… for your pre-enrollment physical exam.
… you will receive a notice that service is charged at nine dollars a minute.
Then you are asked…
…about your preferences on the Gay Dating Service.
…you get a crick in your neck.
…you realize pretty quick that your cable provider is not really that bad
…you’ll hear “Hail To The Chief”. Then a voice telling you, “Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered by the next available agent. Your current estimated wait is 2 days, 17 hours and 35 minutes.” Followed by “Hail To The Chief”. etc etc
…you will automatically be considered an Obama voter and have preconditioned brain death. No one has thought this out farther than that.
…people will beg you to take their life, please.
…listen up, DON”T DO METH!!!!!!!!!
…and can think of something funny instead of pathetically sad to say about it, congratulations, you just won a cookie.
…you’re an IDIOT! Haven’t you been paying attention?
You find yourself writing a letter to Comcast telling them how wonderful their customer service is.
You can ask them to convince obama to resign
… the crank turns, causing a swinging boot to kick over a bucket, rolling the marble down the rickety stairs hitting the pole knocking a ball into the bathtub onto the seesaw flinging a diver into a tub dropping the cage over the mouse, and voila!!!! Health insurance!
… You get an oddly specific recording: Now press option ‘1’ to sign over all of your private information to the government. Oh, very cute, you pressed the ‘0’ instead. You honestly think that there’s a way out of government control? Well fine, in seven hours you’ll be dead. First you’re going to slam the phone down, then you’ll turn and trip on the cord to your TV, your crash straight through your window and dangle by one leg, then passing kids will throw some rocks and then you’ll start to beg. Then your ankle will slip free and let you drop, but when you hit the pavement far below, you’ll probably stop. The emergency room with loose your papers, you’ll die in pain and alone, and the only way to avoid this fate is stay here on the phone…. Do we understand each other?
… The automated system determines that you are not calling on your Obamaphone, please go out and beat the nearest Republican and take their phone to call back on, don’t worry, it’s not theft, it’s a tax.
You will learn the true meaning of suffering.
No need to keep track of the info you give them. It’s all recorded in the data center in Bluffdale UT…along with all passwords.
…you get charged long distance rates to Elbonia.
A recording pronounces the phone number for you: 1800F1UCKYO
Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!
@82 – Hey! No fair telling the truth!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2443235/Obamacare-helpline-phone-number-1-800-F1U-CKYO.html