Now that we hate Germany, the uestion is what to do about it. One’s first instinct is to make a declaration, “We hate Germany!” and then launch cruise missiles at them. Though it is logical, we’d be called “undiplomatic” for doing that, and there is nothing worse than being called undiplomatic. Instead, we have to express our hatred for the Germans in less obvious ways while never actually owning up to how much we think they suck. Here are some ways:

In a “typo,” have Germany listed in the axis of evil. Say you thought you remembered them being in an axis of some sort.
Have the president casually refer to Germany as a “third world country.” Deny it later.
In official documents, constantly use the phrase, “So simple, even a German could understand it.”
Throw great party inviting all America’s allies and even a few terrorist nations such as Syria, Lybia, and Holland, but conspicuously don’t invite Germany.
Have the American Kennel Club change the name of the German Shepherd to the “Stupid Kraut Dog.” Have it described as the dumbest and smelliest breed of dog.
Move German embassy moved to back room at local IHOP. Make sure they don’t get any special discounts there.
Have a secret ops mission to give Schroeder a wedgie just before a major speech. Make jokes about it but deny all culpability.
When picking teams for an international kick ball game, and the final choice is between France and Germany, from now on pick France.

If Germany still seems to not get the picture, then, before all the U.N., have America say, “Anyone who is an ally of Germany, raise your hand,” and make sure its said in a way that other countries know they’ll be made fun of too if they do raise their hand. Then no one will say they like Germany. Hopefully that will finally get them to elect a leader we can trust, like someone named Joe Smith who doesn’t speak German at all.

Gerhard Schroeder won the election yesterday. Know who also won an election in the past? Hitler. Hitler was elected in Germany. Know what country Schroeder won his election in? Germany as well. Schroeder was wearing a nice suit and tie for the occasion – just like Hitler used to wear – and combed his hair too – like Hitler. He then gave a speech – Hitler loved speeches – in German (guess what language Hitler spoke) while standing up (no wheelchair for Hitler) and, though I don’t know the text of the speech (know whose speeches I also don’t know the text of? That’s right, Hitler!), I’m sure it was all about how he’d improve Germany, just like Hitler would promise. Schroeder also said he wouldn’t help America fight Iraq. Now, who is that other person who never helped America fight Iraq? Oh yeah, Hitler! And what kind of name is Gerhard? I’ve never known anyone named Gerhard. I’ve also never known anyone named Adolph. To be fair, there are some differences between Schroeder and Hitler. Hitler had a mustache, but Schroeder, quite conspicuously, does not (almost too conspicuously, if you ask me). Also, Schroeder is not responsible for the death of millions, but, hey, the night is still young.

Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jesus and have it in two ancient languages – Latin and Aramaic – with no subtitles. I think this is a good idea. I had Latin in high school, and there wasn’t very much interesting stuff out there to translate. The Romans, despite killing lots of people, never made any movies. This one guy Virgil wrote this epic called Aeneid, but he didn’t really ever finish it, and, frankly, it does need some editing (those guys need to lay off the semicolons). So more cool stuff in Latin would have made class more interesting, and watching a movie, any movie, is usually better than the regular work. Hopefully schools won’t get scared away from it because it involves Jesus; some people don’t like religious stuff like that though I thought everyone liked Jesus. He was real nice guy to everyone and he never lost his temper… well, except for that one time when he freaked out and started knocking over table in a temple (note to self: when asking, “What would Jesus do?” remember that the answer is sometimes “Freak out and knock over tables.”) Anyway, when they show the movie here, I hope they leave enough lights on in the theater so I can read my Latin dictionary and perhaps understand every eighth word or so (“He said ‘es’, that means he’s telling that guy ‘you are’ something.”).

Mesa, Arizona Mayor Keno Hawker is proposing that confiscated firearms be sold in auction instead of destroyed. This shows that Hawker is a moral man, because destroying guns is wrong. Guns are cool looking, which makes them a work of art, and you don’t destroy works of art (unless it’s made by some hippy). Would you destroy the Mona Lisa just because it was confiscated from a criminal? And what about other things confiscated from criminals, do they ever think to destroy those too? Like, if a box of puppies was taken from a criminal cartel, would they just throw them all in a fire? No, the only item they do this to is guns, because there are evil people out there who hate freedom, hate America, hate themselves, hate their mothers, hate apple pie, hate humanity, and hate guns (and probably would throw puppies in a fire if they could). These hateful people should be routed out of office so that confiscated guns can be sold at auction and thus giving cheap guns to a needy populace and, along with it, love and happiness.

It seems that whenever there is a suicide bombing, later on the news we’ll hear, “This just in: there are reports of the Israelis shelling Arafat’s compound,” and they act all surprised even though it happens everytime. The Israelis always assure the media that they are not targeting Arafat and won’t kill or expel him. Instead, they just seem perfectly content killing and destroying everyone and everything around him. I think that’s fine and dandy, but I have just one question: how big is this compound? Aren’t the Israelis going to eventually run out of parts of it to shell, the whole thing being ruduced to one room containing Arafat who is frantically cleaning the dust off him with baby wipes? Then what do they do? Do they just fire really near where Arafat is while exclaiming, “Not shelling you! Not shelling you!” If it makes any difference, the Israelis have my permission to finally go ahead and kill and expel Arafat. I really don’t see how anyone will care that much; maybe the impotent Germans will whine about it, but it’s not like anyone will do anything. Then Israelis can then get back on to the road to peace and start shelling all the other Palestinian buildings.