Archive of entries posted on September 2002

Rings of Peace

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Did you know that the earth used to have rings? Wow, wouldn’t that be cool. Frankly, I’m getting tired of the moon. It just sits there, and all we ever see is the one side. Why don’t we blow it up to make some rings again? I think that’s a great project for America to do. After we blow up the moon, soon everyone would see the world’s wonderful new rings, and then maybe they would decide to stop disliking America and to be nice to everybody. Isn’t that a happy thought? Someone send me millions and I’ll get working on the demolitions.

I Guess Now Inspections Are the Cool Thing to Have

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Now that Iraq wants inspections, suddenly North Korea wants them too. It the remaining member of the axis of evil, Iran, asks for them, then you know they’re plotting something. I say go with the inspections, but be real cautious. Keep those jets fueled and waiting. If anything starts to look out of place, if the people there start giving the inspectors funny looks, or if something smells funny, then immediately take those countries out. As my pappy always told me about North Korea, Iran, and Iraq, don’t trust commies, Islamic crazies, or anyone with a big bushy mustache.

These Things I Believe Part I

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I’ve decided to begin compiling all my beliefs into one file so it will be easier for people to know what to think. My first three topics are guns, drug legalization, and the circumference of the earth. I will eventually try and cover all the big topics, but any suggestions would be appreciated (if Haloscan isn’t being fussy).

NOTE: Opinions are not up for argument. If you disagree with any of them, just accept that you are wrong. You’ll be stronger for it.

UPDATE: Doug Murray of Cracker Commentary has this to say about my circumference of the earth measurement:

“Your three mile discrepancy is easy to understand; I saw it often when I was in accounting.

“You number is obviously more recent, so you probably used more advanced equipment, say, Tape Measure 9.08, and needed only a single measurement. Your predecessors would have had more primitive gear and needed to add up several readings. In doing so, someone might have fat-fingered a digit one row too high (e.g. 6 for 3) resulting in this all too common error.

“Of course, there is the possibility, since most materials shrink as they cool, that both readings are correct and you have just disproved global warming.”

He sounds like he knows what’s he’s talking about, so I must have disproved global warming. How do I get money for that?

No Comment Redux

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You may have noticed there are no comments anymore. This is because I decided I don’t like to hear what any of you have to say. Incidentally, this change of heart coincides with Haloscan being down. If I once again change my opinion on comments with correspondence to the Haloscan servers functioning, you will be updated.

UPDATE: I’ve decided I want to hear what people have to say again. Please do not comment on this post, though.

A Frank Lesson in Physics

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European scientist have created a bunch of antihydrogen to allow them to test some physics theories. Now, you might think that antihydrogen would make your voice lower if inhaled from an antiballoon, but actually, if physic theories hold up, antihydrogen should act just like regular hydrogen. So, you’d then think the experiment to test whether our physics theories hold up is for one of the scientists to inhales the antihydrogen and then see if he can make the other scientists laugh by saying, “Waaaaaaaaaasup!” The problem with that is that antimatter doesn’t get along well with regular matter, and thus the scientist’s head would explode (plus, the whole “wassup” thing is pretty tired now and not likely to cause laughs even when aided by helium). Though sudden explosions of the head might make the other scientists chuckle if they are mad scientists, it wouldn’t prove anything we don’t already know. What they would need is an antiscientist to inhale the antihydrogen and then try to talk in an high-pitch antivoice. But the antiscientist would explode in a regular lab, so we’d need an antilab to house him. But there aren’t any antilabs, because it looks like there is only regular old matter in the universe. This is a strange asymmetrical quality to the universe, and my theory is that early on there was a big matter war and our matter won out because it is much more superior to that other stupid matter. I don’t have any evidence to back up this theory, but I do have drawings of what I think the laser guns they used looks like.

Anyway, I have a better idea for the antihydrogen than proving physics (I gave up on physics after I heard about that quantum crap; I don’t care if it’s true – it’s stupid). First, let’s steal it from Europe; I don’t like them having things we don’t. Then, we can put it in a regular looking balloon with a special magnetized field to contain it. Next, we find a dictator that likes to entertain his guests by inhaling helium from balloons and imitating Mickey Mouse (I think Castro is one). Finally, we replace one of his balloons with our balloon of death, and, then, when he inhales the contents, BOOM!! And no one will ever believe we replaced one of his balloons with one filled with antihydrogen because that’s just too convoluted a plan. It’s perfect!

UPDATE: Whoops. In my zeal, I didn’t realize I was talking about hydrogen and not helium. I’m not sure how that could have happened (actually, it was probably something like the Moses effect), but I blame communists. So, will inhaling hydrogen also make one’s voice high-pitch, or is my plan shot (kids, do not find this out by trying to inhale hydrogen… especially if you plan on having a smoke afterwards)? I guess the plan could be saved by taking the antihydrogen to an antisun so that it would use its antifusion to make antihelium, but now this is almost getting to be a little too complicated.

Time to Pimp Slap Russia

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Now that Iraq has supposedly agreed to inspections, some countries are backing off of the “kick the crap out of Iraq” initiative. Now, that’s not surprising for Arab nations, and any one with any sense never listens to anything they say anyway, but what’s up with Russia? Why do they think they can dis’ us? We beat them in the Cold War; they’re our bitch now. Hell, we even financially support the poor saps now when they should just be greatful that Reagan didn’t deem it proper to nuke them out of existence with his magical Star Wars weapons. Hopefully Bush will take a hardline with them and remind those mo’fo’s that we’re the only superpowers now and we don’t like being disobeyed.

Call Me Jingo

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Best of the Web yesterday had a item entitled “Civil Liberties, Europe Style” that reminded me of an important fact: while people may complain about infringement of some rights here, all other countries completely suck on that issue. It’s like we’re the only ones even know what liberty is. The French are always jailing and fining people for speech they don’t like, Britain thinks nothing of people’s privacy, and Canada… well let’s just say I try not spend much time there because Lord knows what kind of Mickey Mouse law I could suddenly be charged with (and I won’t repeat that in French). Once we’re done “regime changing” our enemies until they are all dead and buried, we need to start a campaign to educate other countries so that maybe they can achieve but a hundredth of our greatest.

Also, for a while I’ve been wanting to spout off about the oft used phrase, “America is the only civilized country that…” such as in “America is the only civilized country that has the death penalty.” It would be a fine phrase indeed, except that it’s used to criticize the U.S. instead of other “civilized” countries. Now, it’s obvious that America is the greatest country ever and the only one God likes, so wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume that to achieve this unique greatness we would do tons of things that other countries don’t? So, shouldn’t the phrase “America is the only civilized country that…” be followed by the phrase “So that’s what all you other countries should emulate so that you might be less pathetic than you are now. Oh yeah, and bathe more often, too.”

I’m Starting PUTP: People for the Unethical Treatment of PETA

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So PETA has been giving money to terrorists, but that’s not the big news to me. Now people are demanding that their tax exempt status be removed, to which I reply, “What the @#&$! They had tax exempt status!” Why the hell wouldn’t they have to pay taxes!? I mean, do you get tax exempt for just being a bunch of annoying, moronic dicks? Do teenagers get tax exempt status? Well, hopefully now the meat-consuming FBI will get on their asses and show them you the meanest, toughest animals are, which, incidentally, are the the only ones who make good use of tasers and cudgels when they get pissed off.

The Long Floridian Nightmare is Over

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Reno has conceded.

(pause for sigh of relief)

I’m just so happy that there is no chance Reno isn’t going to be my governor that I really don’t give a rat’s ass about the main election. As long as McBride isn’t planning to pass any gun laws or start an income tax, it’s all good. Of course, I’m still going to vote for Bush… and it better be a landslide so we don’t have to worry about this recount crap.

And what’s with everyone blaming the voting mess on Jeb? What was he supposed to do to fix the voting problems? Deport all the stupid Democrats to Cuba? I bet the Democrats would complain then, too. And the Cubans, already dealing with the tyranny of Castro, certainly don’t deserve all those drooling idiots. Then again, if we filled Cuba with retardo Florida voters, maybe next time Castro holds a phony election Buchanan will be named president.

Hopefully It Won’t Come Down to Nuclear Inspections

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Iraq has decided to let in weapon inspectors. Dammit. This isn’t going to ruin our plans to kick the crap out of them, is it? Can’t we just bomb them anyway and call it inspections? After we hit their buildings, we observe the color of the resultant flame to find out what chemicals were inside; sounds more efficent than walking through the buildings. We could also inspect much of their ground troops and military hardware. Finally, we should inspect Saddam with a sniper rifle.

And if any of you U.N. members complain, then we’ll inspect you next. Capisce?

Writing Anti-Gun Arguments is a Disease

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First Michael Bellesiles makes stuff up facts for his bogus anti-gun book, and Dave Kopel in this article mention a woman named Lois Schwoerer who uses a dictionary definition to support her argument, and then makes up that definition! What is wrong with these anti-gun nuts? They’re supposed to be scholars, but they’re so tied to a sinking ship of an argument that they make up facts to support it. Maybe other scholars can have an intervention for them:

“You can’t just keep making up facts. We think its time to admit you don’t have a rational argument for your position.”

“I’m not the one without the rational argument! You’re the ones without the rational argument!”

“Calm down. We’re here to help you.”

So is there like a Total-Dumbasses Anonymous for these people to go to? Without a support group, it won’t be long before they go right back to writing more anti-gun crap and pissing me off. And that improves no one’s safety.