A FoxNews.com report talks about how many vegetarians are coming back to eating meat. That seems about right, because that whole vegetarian thing never made sense anyway. What’s the difference between a vegetarian burger and a regular beef burger? Both are just processed vegetables, the former had the processing done by machines and the latter done naturally by a cow. And which one tastes better? Nature’s way of course. When a cow eats vegetables, it has this almost magical ability to sort out only the tasty parts of vegetables and then repackage it in the form of yummy meat. But those nature-hating vegetarians think they can outdo God’s way and thus are arrogant and evil.

And what’s with this complaint about how animals are treated on farms? Vegetables are treated even worse; they’re kept in one place their entire lives and not allowed any mobility at all. And plants never try to harm people, while animals, on the other hand, can be mean. Once, my dog bit me; she didn’t even give a reason. That’s just how animals are. Not once, though, have I been attacked by a house plant. So, obviously, it is much more moral to kill animals than plants.

Please, God, no more of this. 1,800 votes just suddenly found? Come on, what’s that about? For my sanity, I need this to be over. I’ve been a good Catholic. I’m nice to people. I feed the homeless and shelter the hungry. I’ve never killed a hobo. What else do You want from me? Do I have the wrong religion, because I’ll switch. I’ll even try that one where you get bitten by snakes; to be honest, I’ve sorta suspected that was the one true faith. And I’m sorry I asked Your son to hit Reno with a bus; that was out of line, and it won’t happen again. All I want is for McBride to have enough of a margin of victory that a recount isn’t triggered, okay? You see, I’m one of the good ones; I understand how voting problems are just Your way to cancel out the votes of stupid people. I won’t try and prevent it and instead will cherish it as great part of our democracy. So, is it now good between us? (or is that “Us”?)

Bush, as part of his compassionate conservatism, told our reasons why we wanted a war with Iraq to the U.N. as if any other countries mattered in the decision. Some may think we set a bad precedent which will lead to other countries feeling they can give us their opinions on other things as well, but I think Bush had his heart in the right place. He explained things very carefully to them and talked to them almost like they were adults. Some of the things were probably scary for these other countries to hear, such as how Iraq has continued development of weapons of mass destruction, but I think many of the countries in attendance were mature enough to hear it. A good indication of that was how there were few incidents when milk and cookies were served afterwards. France whined it’s cookie didn’t have many chocolate chips in it, and then started crying when Germany said something to him, but, other than that, it was a relatively quiet affair. Talk of war, though, left most countries too stimulated for nap time.

Richard Reid, the attempted shoe bomber, has revealed that his motivation was seeing Jews with guns in a mosque. This is important to hear, because, to defeat one’s enemy, you must understand how his mind works. So here is what we know so far:

Subject: Richard Reid
Status: Radical Muslim
Stimuli: Jews with guns
Initial Emotion: Anger
Final Reaction: “Must… blow-up… shoes!”

Hmm… interesting, but more data is needed. I say we subject him to a Presbyterian with a machete and a Hindu with a taser and watch what article of clothing he tries to explode.

Oh, no, not again. It looks like McBride won the Democratic primary, but Reno is probably going to ask for a recount. I can’t take this. I need to know Reno is done for… now. I don’t care if Jeb will have a better chance against Reno; the risk is not worth it. Please, Jesus, I beg of you, end this election now. The surest way, and this is just a suggestion, is to hit Reno with a bus. There are a lot of buses out there, so no one will think it was you who did it if she perchance gets run over by one. I mean, if she got hit by a meteor, people might start thinking, “Hey, that doesn’t just happen by accident; I bet Jesus did it. Let’s get him!” but, with a bus, you’d get off scott free. I know contract killing is not your usual thing, but this is an extraordinary circumstance. You see, I have a house being finished here in Florida next month, and I can’t already start thinking about moving.