Portugal is cautioning Bush on Iraq. Why do they even get to register an opinion? I’ve heard of Portugal before, but I can’t remember if it’s in Europe or South America. You could blame my ignorance of geography for that, but I blame Portugal for being so insignificant that’s its never in the news for me to know anything about it. I don’t get it how all these silly little countries can just come up to the president of the United States and tell us what to do. There are like a thousand countries – most of them not even worth mentioning. Can America really be expected to keep track of them all? What Portugal should do is tell their opinion to either Britain or Brazil (according to whatever continent it’s actually on), and, if that country considers it important enough, then they can pass it on. Hierarchies, yo.

It’s way too easy to find left-wing bias in the media – hell you can’t swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting left-wing bias – but I always wondered if I’d be able to spot right-wing bias in a new story. Well, I just read this article on foxnews.com, and tell me if it doesn’t sound a bit like an editorial, especially the last couple paragraphs (I’m sorry; I don’t know how to do proper quote indenting with blogger):

“But four days ago, Daschle sounded a different tune.

“‘What has changed over the course of the last 10 years that brings this country to the belief that it has to act in a pre-emptive fashion?’

“What has changed by most accounts is that after four years of continued weapons development, Saddam is even more dangerous than he was when Daschle was advocating military action.

“What also has changed is the resident of the White House, a Republican president, who maintains very high popularity ratings.”

Now, of course, it is correct, but it sure seems to point someone to a conclusion rather than just give the facts. For those interested, my own position is that the Democrats are evil opportunists who will take any position, no matter how harmful to Americans, as long as it leads to taxing the rich. And they think anyone who’s an assistant manager at McDonalds and up are rich. What we should do if we really want to help our nation in the war on terror is round up all Democrats, put them in a space ship, and launch it into the sun. I know, you’re all probably saying, “Hey, you stupid right-wing barbarian, why would we do something so hare-brained and expensive as that when we could just throw the Democrats into the nearest volcano to incinerate them. Think, you idiot!”

Well, here’s what I have to say to you liberal, soft-on-crime ninnies who want to just throw everyone in a volcano: Wake up, people! A punishment as quick and relatively painless as throwing someone into a volcano is not going to change things. These people need a long excruciating flight to the sun during which they can think about how wrong they are for being Democrats. That’s the only way to make them learn!

Violent crime dropped by 9 percent last year, marking the lowest level since the government first started surveying victims. People are saying the decrease is from a strong economy and tougher sentencing, but I bet it’s our good ole friend guns. The article mentions that car theft actually rose by 7 percent, which means criminals are switching to victims they know can’t shoot them (unless it’s the Bond car). This is expected, because all criminals throughout history, from the violent thugs of today to the first caveman who jacked someone else’s wheels, dislike being shot by a .45 automatic. It’s an extremely unpleasant phenomenon, and its harsh symptoms are well known:

sharp pain
dizziness
blood loss
loss of bladder control
sudden weight loss
heart failure
heart explosion
loss of stomach contents through vomiting
*loss of stomach contents through new hole in the abdomen

A .45 automatic does have the good affect of instantly turning a violent criminal into someone quite law abiding, except, perhaps, for their new reckless disregard of loitering laws.

“Lance Bass kicked off space flight” reads the headline, but the story is actually much less interesting than it sounds. It ends up he was kicked off before they launched, not while actually in space. When I first read the headline, I thought they ran into some problem with the air supply, and, if they could increase the supply by exactly the amount of air a Lance Bass would consume, the rest could survive.

“Lance Bass, we all drew straws,” the head astronaut told him, faking a somber mood, “And since I drew the longest one, I get to kick you off. You want to do this the hard way or the easy way.” He then smiled sinisterly. “Please choose the hard way.”

And the Lance Bass was like, “Yo, yo, yo! What the dealio?” (Or he wasn’t like that; I honestly don’t know what a Lance Bass sounds like. I’m just not “with it.”)

“It’s just the way things are, Lance Bass,” the astronaut answered firmly, carefully hiding his elation, “To have enough air supply, we either have to remove one Lance Bass or five albino mice. That’s one Lance Bass versus five rodents; which one is more fair?”

“You guys kick it old school!” was Lance Bass’s last words before being ejected out the air lock with an ominous thud.

I didn’t get much sleep last night.

About half of the entries from the debate that was going on in the comment section of my post “One Messed Up Chick” have disappeared. Plus, one comment I did delete (me just writing “test”) has reappeared. Haloscan had been flickering on and off for the last few days, so the most logical explanation is that a previous back-up copy of the posts was put into place, one missing the newer posts but including one older one. The less probable but more interesting explanation (and the one I choose to believe) is that we have angered God by our debate of atheism, and, in a show of His mighty wrath, He has smitten some comments from the face of the earth while resurrecting others. Please, O Lord! I bow before Your glory and beseech thee to leave the rest of our post unsmoten and to leave alone the deleted posts we wish forgotten! I shall burn an animal in sacrifice to appease Thy wrath! I hope You don’t mind if it’s stolen.

Anyway, though it is the policy of IMAO that we (meaning I) can delete comments for any reason, especially to just be mean, unfair, and to rewrite history in a more flattering light, I assure you I did not delete those comments and will see if there is some way to restore them. To summarize what was deleted, I believe we all ended up in agreement that you can’t prove or disprove that undetectable elves control our lives. Also, I think I decided to become an atheist in the end, but I can’t quite remember. I hope not, though, because it will be a lot of work. First, I’ll have to remove the crosses from my walls, get myself off the church mailing list, and remove the Jesus fish from my car (which, when I put it on there, I thought was the symbol for the band Phish). Also, the pope is stopping by for dinner next weekend, and you just know me being an atheist will put a damper on the evening. He probably then won’t let me try on the pope hat, and thus another one of my dreams will go unfulfilled.

UPDATE: All the forementioned comments have reappeared, but all of today’s comments have disappeared. And it has started to rain frogs. I made up one of those.