- The Supreme Court is to hear about Gitmo detainees. Some people are worried that innocent people may be being detained at Guantanamo, but have you ever heard of innocent people hanging out with terrorists in Cuba?
- General Abizaid, are own Mad Arab, warns that attacks must stop in Iraq or he will kick everyone’s asses. He was like, “You think you can fk with America? Do you know who the fk we are? We can inflict so much pain and suffering on you, that you will let out a sigh of relief when you finally die and go to hell. I’m General Abizaid! You will pray to your god for death, and he will not answer!” Actually, I don’t know what he said, but I bet that’s what Patton would say (except for that part where he calls himself “General Abizaid”). I miss Patton.
- There is no evidence Iran is making nukes. Good. Less to worry about when we invade them.
- Seen the new video of Gore Gone Wild? He’s claiming that Bush used 9/11 as a pretext to consolidate power and then threw a bunch of red meat (or is the better expression “white tofu”?) to MoveOn.org muckadoos. What a whiner. I’m glad we stole the election.
- The U.N. wants to take our internet. The internet is owned by America! Americans created it, and an American invented it (Al Gore), so it is ours. Other countries should feel lucky that we let them use our world wide information network. I say as punishment the term “United Nations” should be forever banned from the internet. So let it be written, so let it be done.
- Fed Ex found body parts in a package and alerted the police. Lessons learned: if you’re going to chop someone up and ship him, don’t do it through Fed Ex because they’re a bunch of dirty squealers. Instead, use UPS; they bruise and batter your package so bad, that, if the police get their hands on it, they won’t even be able to identify the body inside by its dental records.
- 26 Democrats want Rumsfeld fired. Rumsfeld wants 26 Democrats strangled. More news as it develops.
- BTW, Rumsfeld was on Fox and Friends this morning. Anyone catch it? Was he just like I envisioned?
- Democrat booster Larry Flynt plans to publish topless photos of Jessica Lynch. The guy has to wheel by a flight of stairs every so often, and just one little push… not that I’m suggesting anything!
- So, now you’re wondering what’s happening in monkey news. Well, Canada is going to infect some with SARS. What if the monkeys combine it, though, with their dreaded monkey pox? They’d have a supervirus fit for wiping out humanity! If Canada causes the planet of the apes, we are so going to beat those canucks up.
- Today is Veteran’s day, and I want to say thanks to all the Veteran’s out there and take time to remember those who’ve died fighting for this country, something especially relevant now. I also want to wish a happy birthday to my older brother, Joe foo’ the Marine. Veterans, you kick ass.
Archive of entries posted on November 2003
New Ads
If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that IMAO has new ads. On my sidebar is Poplish. They’re a new site so you can make money by writing. Check out their FAQ which is pretty entertaining.
I also have a banner ad. I had no idea how much to charge for a banner ad, so I don’t know who took advantage of whom. Anyway, it’s for a calendar from everyone’s favorite bald man, G. Gordon Liddy, of women with guns and motorcycles. What guy couldn’t like that? It also makes a powerful statement for feminism because… uh… well, I’ll figure that one out later.
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In My World: Stop Those Saudis!
“Did you know I was actually behind 9/11? Facilitating. I didn’t even suspect that.”
“You need to stop reading these left-wing conspiracy newsletters,” Karl Rove said, snatching the paper away from President Bush, “You are too easily influenced.”
“So I shouldn’t join that protest against our illegal occupation of Iraq?” Bush asked.
“No!” Rove shouted, “You need to focus. The economy is improving, thus we need to make sure the American public is on your side with the war on terror. If we can do this, then victory and prosperity is ours. Otherwise, a Democrat will become president and terror will reign, as foreseen by the elders.”
“Don’t worry, Rover,” Bush said, “I just gave this great speech on bringing democracy to the Middle East. Who could be angered by that?”
“I am very angered by this!” shouted the evil Saudi king, “We can’t have those meddling American bringing democracy to the Middle East. That will mean peace and prosperity for our people. That will also mean they won’t be focusing anymore on blowing up Jews, Americans, and each other, and instead realize how tyrannical our rule is. This cannot happen. How can we stop these ideas from spreading?”
“We can blame everything on the Jews,” offered an aide.
“But we need new ideas now!”
“Uh… we can blame everything on the Episcopalians.”
“Not good enough!” the evil Saudi king said, “We need to go into Iraq and make sure their democracy fails. If the Americans fail, the Iraqis will fail, and then the people of the Middle East will remain poor and ignorant while we continue to prosper. Muh ha ha ha!”
“Yes, it was an odd set of circumstances,” Condoleezza Rice said, “First Dick Cheney died of a heart attack – no one saw that coming – and then, soon after I was elected Vice President in 2004, Bush died by sticking a fork in an electric socket. People became so enamored by my rule that they declared me empress, and, of course, I had to accept. Now, everyone, let’s pause for a moment to worship me and behold my beauty.”
“Uh… am I interrupting something,” Buck the Marine asked, looking a bit confused.
Condi quickly sat down behind her desk. “No, I was just… uh… planning the future of Iraq. You’re Buck, right? Buck the Marine?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Buck looked around Condi’s office noticing all the marble statues and gold artifacts. “You sure have a nice office here in Iraq.”
“Riches help me think,” Condi answered curtly, “Anyway, tomorrow is an important day for Iraq. A council is convening to work on the new constitution. Our intelligence suggests that people will be trying to disrupt this meeting.”
“Why?” Buck asked, “Who could be wanting to harm these poor Iraqis and us Americans who are trying to help everyone.” Buck then thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, for’ners, just like I kill all the time.” Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. “I done hates for’ners.”
“Good, because I want you to find who is plotting against us and kill them,” Condi said, “You will have the help the world’s angriest U.N. peacekeeper, Chomps.” A rottweiler wearing a blue U.N. helmet entered the room and immediately started attacking a marble statue. “Bad dog!”
“Well, this is the building where the meeting will be taking place,” Buck narrated, “So what’s your anger sense telling you, Chomps?”
Chomps started growling and then ran off. Buck quickly followed. Behind the building they found a three people standing around a cart. “What are you people doing?” Buck demanded.
“We are but street vendors,” answered one, “and are not involved in any terrorists activities whatsoever.”
Chomps growled and gnashed his teeth.
“Chomps seems to think you’re up to something foreign,” Buck accused them.
“Perhaps,” answered one of the men, “So I would keep looking at us and not look behind you.”
“I am going to keep my eyes on you,” Buck said threateningly, “’cause I don’t trust you. I think in fact you might be for’ners! So I’m…”
Chomps started barking wildly at something behind Buck. Buck turned around to see a two terrorists sneaking up on him with AK-47’s in hand. He quickly fired at them with his M-16 as they fired back. He shot one, but a bullet hit his rifle. Chomps jumped at the remaining one, mouth agape while Buck dropped to the ground and drew his .45, shooting the three around the cart who had now drawn guns as well. Six more terrorists now came running at Buck and Chomps, each firing an AK-47. Suddenly they all fell to the ground revealing a woman standing behind them dressed in black, wearing sunglasses, and holding a Beretta in each hand.
“Is that you, Dr. Rice?” Busk asked, standing up. Chomps coughed up a hand.
“Yes, I thought you might need some help,” Condi answered, “I always wanted to shoot people with dual Berettas.”
“I didn’t need no woman’s help,” Buck said, “and why are you dressed like some S&M queen?”
“It’s my Halloween costume,” Condi answered, “I’m Trinity from The Matrix.”
“I don’t watch sci-fi,” Buck answered, “The future is an undiscovered country… and undiscovered foreign country.”
“Whatever,” Condi answered rolling her eyes, “The important thing is the terrorists have been stopped. I wonder who they were.”
“Well I know one type of for’ner that dies like that,” Buck answered, “Saudis!”
“If there is some sort of Saudi plot, we’ll have to deal with it later,” Condi said, “The meeting is starting soon.”
Chomps started savagely attacking one of the wheels of the cart. “Something about that cart is making Chomps angry,” Buck said. He then pulled a tarp off the top of it and found some weird electronic device inside.
“It’s a bomb!” Condi exclaimed.
Chomps immediately jumped up in the cart and then swallowed the bomb whole.
“I don’t think it’s good for a dog to eat something like that,” Buck remarked.
“As long as he doesn’t vomit on the carpet on my office, I don’t care,” Condi said, “Now it’s time to make a constitution.”
“You don’t seem dressed for the occasion, Dr. Rice.”
“I was just killing people and didn’t have time to change,” Condi said, taking off her sunglasses and sitting down, “So how do you like my draft for the constitution.”
“It’s pretty good,” one of the council said, “but I think it could do without all the swearing and the explicit sex scene.”
“Fine, be a bunch of prudes,” Condi sighed.
“Hey, does this say in really small writing that Condoleezza Rice will be queen?” asked one of the council who was looking at the draft constitution with a magnifying glass.
Condi smiled innocently. “That’s just an ink smudge.”
Sunday Badinage
New poll up. Same list as before, but I want you to choose your least favorite In My World™ character. No wussing out on this one; even if you like them all, you have to like one less than all the others.
As for the results of the previous poll, out of 1048 votes cast, Donald Rumsfeld got 39% of the vote in a ten way race with 413 votes. Other than that, the made up characters mainly ruled the charts. Buck was second with 138 votes followed by Chomps with 96 votes. George W. Bush got 87 votes, though, followed by Melinda Hawkish with 76 votes. As a surprise to me, Zatoichi was next with 73 votes. Then came Condi with 54 votes, the barely used Karl Rove with 51, and Laura Bush with 42 votes. In last place was Scott McClellan, who only got 18 votes. I guess Chokehold Boy gets no respect (he’s one of my favorite to write for, though).
Comments spam is becoming a new problem. It’s only a minor nuisance now, but I’m afraid people filling comments with ads may end up being as bad as e-mail spam. Any smart people out there in the blogosphere know what to do? I’d hate to have to one day shutdown my comments.
Here is my vote for the New Weblog Showcase. Check it out.
Lastly, I finally have an idea for a full book that will use my style of humor I use on this site. It would compete against the books written by Al Fraken and Michael Moore. If anyone knows any conservative literary agents, I could use some help here. I figure the traffic statistics from my site could help get my foot in the door.
Oh, that’s another idea: a readership drive…
New In My World™ tomorrow starring Condi, Buck, and Chomps. See you then.
Links of the Week
It’s the weekend and I have other things to do than post. Here’s some places to find more funny, though.
My sister just e-mailed me this flash animation this morning. This is the reason the internet was invented.
You like humor about Rachel Corrie? Here’s Emperor Misha I’s fisking/additions to Corrie’s Song. And here are some Beatle’s songs made to honor Corrie from one of Misha’s loyal citizens. You can learn a lot from a bulldozer.
When I read Harry Knowles’s review of Matrix Revolutions, I felt like fisking it. Luckily, Lileks did it for me.
And if you haven’t read Kim du Toit’s essay on the pussification of the western male and the ensuing discussion, you missed a lot.
Yvonne’s Ashes: Part V – Apartment Living
Previous Episode
Oregon was like a magical wonderland… except not very interesting. My dad warned us that in Oregon, like all states near California, everyone hated Californians so we had to be careful not to mention we were originally from there. My dad’s new job was with a truck company and he was supposed to yell at people who didn’t make their payments for parts on time. My dad loves hassling deadbeats, but he missed his first day of work because he hurt his back – which was all my fault. I wouldn’t stop whining when he told me to, and he got so mad he tried to pick up a large rock to crush me with but forgot to lift with his knees. Poor daddy.
We first started out staying in a hotel. It was right next to a restaurant where we got our Thanksgiving meal of turkey and ice cream. Yummy. One day, my sister accidentally locked herself in the bathroom. What a dumb little sister. Instead of just operating the lock to let herself out, all she did was cry. I said we should leave her there, but then I needed to use the bathroom.
We soon moved into an apartment complex. I had to go back to pre-school now, while Joe foo’ went back to kindergarten. This preschool gave us lunch, but it often had this lumpy white stuff called cottage cheese. Icky. We also had swimming classes there, but then afterwards I’d have to put back on my shoes and I didn’t know how to tie them. The teacher tried to show me how, but it was weird and confusing. Worst of all, we had naptime in the middle of the day, but I could never fall asleep there during naptime. So I’d just have to lay there being both bored and mad. Stupid preschool.
I did learn one thing one day. The teacher had a cow puppet who told us that when we eat meat, we were eating it! I didn’t know we had to kill poor cows for meat. Guess it’s the cow’s fault for being tasty.
Outside of pre-school, we’d have a lot of fun around the apartments. There was a pool there, and my mommy got me and Joe foo’ water wings so we could swim easy like. My silly sister would just stay in the shallow end. One day me and my sister spotted a bee walking around in a circle on the cement near the pool. It just kept going around and around. I put little toy bucket on top of the bee, but, when I lifted it up again, the bee just kept walking around in a circle. I looked really closely at the bee, and couldn’t’ see a stinger. Thus I concluded the bee must be harmless. So I had my sister touch it.
Boy could my sister scream really loudly. My dad, who was swimming at the time, almost drowned in panic. Apparently, unlike as shown in cartoons, a bee keeps its stinger hidden inside it most of the time. Good to know for future reference.
One day my silly sister Sarah actually had a great idea. Every morning, mom would give us a Flintstone vitamin before breakfast, and they were yummy. Sarah wanted more, so, when our mother wasn’t watching, we climbed up on the counter and got the bottle of vitamins and then ate them all. We had so much nutrients inside us, we figured we were now superhumans. Mom didn’t think so when she found out; instead, she called poison control. I had to take a big cup with me to preschool and constantly drink water throughout the day.
When I turned five years old, we had a big party and Mom made me a bunny cake. It looked just like a bunny, with a jellybean nose and coconut for bunny fur. God, I hate coconut. It felt so good being five — which made me old and wizened now, that I decided that five was now my favorite number.
Life was good, but one day while playing in the playground, a big furry thing came up and bit me! It was a mean old North American tree monkey, just as mean and vicious as the Alaskan snow monkey! I ran home crying.
“Mommy! A North American tree monkey bit me!”
“There is no such thing, dear,” my mom scolded me.
“There is! It’s true!”
“You better stop making things up, boy!” my dad told me, “And you better especially not put your made up things on some sort of world-wide electronic conveyance of information if such a thing were ever to exist, because, if you do, I’ll teach you some discipline with the back of me hand!”
I could only get my brother Joe foo’ to believe me. He had a plan, too: we’d shotgun the monkey to death. Dad kept about fifty shotguns in his closet, and he’d count them every night, so we’d have to be quick with one to make sure dad didn’t find out. My brother’s plan was that I would grab the monkey and hold him still while he blasted the monkey with the shotgun. I didn’t want to grab the monkey because I was afraid he would claw and bite me, but Joe said he’d shoot the monkey quick so that wouldn’t happen.
Just as we got the shotgun and were getting prepared to sneak up on the North American tree monkey, are dad found us. He was real mad. He warned us that young kids like us could get killed playing with guns, because, if he ever saw us touch his guns again, he would murder us both. My dad always had a way of explaining things in ways we could understand.
Joe and I probably would have never gotten into anymore trouble after that if it weren’t for our new friend Bobby, who knew lots of things… some of it even true.
Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires
As we all know, Gray Davis set California on fire in vengeance for people recalling him. It could happen again, and thus I set my crack research team to find out all they can about brush fires so people can be more prepared in the future.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BRUSH FIRES
* Brush fires are caused by the combination of brush and fire.
* The conspiracy between brush and fire started when both became dissatisfied with the government in the 60’s.
* If the conspiracy of brush and fire joined with the Zionist conspiracy, then we’d all be screwed.
* I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy?
* A brush fire has two main modes of attack: burning using its fire and suffocating using its smoke. It also has a special attack, but first needs to power up.
* To avoid brush fires reaching your home, dispose of all your brush by tossing it over the fence into your neighbor’s yard.
* If there is a brush fire, you may see panicked animals flee the forest. Stay and fight, you pansy-ass animals!
* If a brush fire is coming towards your house, lock your doors. Fires can’t operate locks.
* If you run into a brush fire, don’t panic; it’s more scared of you than you are of it.
* There is no reason to have lots of brush congregated in one area. Brush should be destroyed… just not by fire.
* If you wake up and find your room on fire, that’s a house fire – not a brush fire. Those are common, so don’t worry about it.
* A brush fire can be identified by its strong, smoky smell. If you see a large fire coming your way, see if it has a smoky smell.
* Since fire needs oxygen, a good place to store your brush is on the moon.
* Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, a brushfire can be killed by water.
* Water can also kill the aliens from Signs.
* I’m sorry if you haven’t seen that movie yet and I ruined it, but someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me and I’m still bitter.
* I don’t know if dropping a house on a brush fire would kill it just like it did the Wicked Witch of East, but it’s worth a shot.
* That probably would also kill one of the aliens from Signs.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a brushfire, Aquaman would only be able to be identified afterwards by his dental records. If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers.
* A giant brush fire can be an awe inspiring site to watch, but it can be canceled in case of rain and replaced with a movie.
* You can’t kung fu fight a brushfire. Then again, I’ve never tried it.
* I once set a hairbrush on fire. It like totally melted! It was so cool!
* Having caught the 10:15 showing of Matrix Revolutions last night, I am very sleepy right now. Hopefully some conniving brush fire won’t use that to its advantage.
In My World: Fox and Friends Transcript – Interview with Donald Rumsfeld
…
E.D. Hill: I don’t get it? Why doesn’t Israel just kill all the Palestinians?
Brian Kilmeade: Well, apparently the U.N. is against that.
Steve Doocy: If you had to decide being blown up by a suicide bomber or being whined to death by a representative from the U.N., which would you choose?
Brian: Well, our next guess knows a lot about killing terrorists. Here is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: To start off, I just want to say I’m here by the President’s orders. I never wanted to be on some vacuous morning show.
E.D.: But we ask deep questions!
Rumsfeld: Whatever, blondie. Let’s just get this show on the road.
Steve: As we all know, you’re very busy with the War on Terror…
Rumsfeld: There are a lot of people alive who shouldn’t be, and I’m trying to motivate this administration to do something about it despite the wishes of weaker, whiny countries.
Brian: We were just talking about the U.N…
Rumsfeld: Don’t even mention them to me!
Steve: Actually, since you’ve visited New York, a lot of the U.N. members have been found strangled to death. Would you know anything about that?
Rumsfeld: I know it’s a good thing.
E.D.: Anyway, the reason you’re here today is to talk about your work with kids.
Rumsfeld: Yes, the First Lady keeps nagging me to help kids. I say kids these days are a hopeless cause, but I’ll see if I can improve them.
Brian: And you’re trying to make them better prepared for the threats we face today.
Rumsfeld: Can I explain this?
Brian: I was just trying to help you along…
Rumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies pray upon weakness. These days if a child falls down and scrapes his knee, he starts crying like some fruit, and that emboldens terrorists.
Brian: But kids were tougher back when you were young.
Rumsfeld: I’m sorry, Mr. Kilmeade, do I get to explain this or do you?
Brian: Well… uh… I’m just following the teleprompter…
(gunshot)
Rumsfeld: There; no more distractions.
E.D.: But the teleprompter is where all my intelligent questions come from!
Rumsfeld: Zip it, blondie! Back to the topic, when I was a kid, we didn’t whine and cry like common Democrats. Why, one day when I was six, I took an arrow to the shoulder, killed the Hun who shot it with a wood ax, and then went back to playing hopscotch all without shedding one tear.
Brian: What happened to the Huns?
Rumsfeld: We killed them all. They interrupted one of my little league games and we were fed up. I still have the blood stained bat.
Steve: So what’s your batting average in regard to Hun heads? (laughs)
Rumsfeld: You find this funny?
Steve: Well, I…
Rumsfeld: You make another idiotic joke in my presence and I will kill you. Do you understand?
Steve: Yes, sir.
Rumsfeld: Continuing, the point is that kids were tough in my days, but are weak today and in danger of becoming another generation of hippies… just like the terrorists want. And, since you can’t strangle to death a whole generation – or so I’m told – I’m trying to steer young kids into becoming rugged individualists with my school program called “Stop Crying or I’ll Beat You”.
E.D.: Now, some teachers have complained about your program, describing it as nothing but a bunch of yelling and hitting…
Rumsfeld: The teachers are fools! They coddle children and make them weak!
Brian: One says you almost strangled her to death.
Rumsfeld: And I bet she’s smarter for it. Kids need to learn to have a strong backbone and be self-reliant.
E.D.: Now, with my children…
Rumsfeld: I don’t care about your stupid children.
E.D.: This is a good story…
Rumsfeld: You may think I’m too old-fashioned to hit a woman, but you can find out for sure by continuing to talk.
Steve: I think it’s time to take some calls.
Rumsfeld: Oh yay! Let’s hear the opinions of people with nothing better to do during the day than call in to a T.V. show.
Steve: All the way from Baghdad, Iraq, we have Buck on the line.
Buck: I would just like to ask Mr. Secretary when we in the military can expect to go where there are more for’ners to kill who ain’t hiding. Uh… ya know… a more target rich environment?
Rumsfeld: It is my plan to soon have the U.S. military roaming the entire Middle East, killing everyone who looks like they are in need of it.
Buck: Ooh-rah!
Rumsfeld: Don’t “ooh-rah” too soon. That’s not going to happen while Bush is still listening to that fruit we have for a Secretary of State.
Brian: You’re talking about Colin Powell?
Rumsfeld: That’s the fruit.
Steve: Next on the line we have Susan from Chicago, Illinois. What’s your question for Secretary Rumsfeld?
Susan: I was just wondering if he thinks he’s made a mistake in not having enough troops in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: And why in the world would I think I’ve made a mistake?
Susan: Well… uh… it just seems that…
Rumsfeld: I’m sorry; what’s your occupation, Susan?
Susan: I… uh… work in a department store…
Rumsfeld: And suddenly you know all about military strategy then? I will kill you for your impudence! Where in Chicago does she live?
Steve: I don’t know exactly…
Rumsfeld: Maybe I can go to the back room and trace the call.
Brian: And there goes Secretary Rumsfeld…
Steve: I guess the interview is over.
E.D.: You know, I agree with a lot of his policies, but I think he’s a bit too gruff.
Brian: Fighting Huns when you are a kid can do that to you.
Steve: I bet inside him there’s a cute little puppy, though… which he swallowed whole this morning. (laughs)
Rumsfeld: I WARNED YOU! RARR!
Steve: I thought he was out of the studio! Oh sh…
Blogger Journalism
Because I’ve been so busy lately, I’ve gotten behind on linking to others. I’d be remiss, though, if I didn’t point out all the interviewing John Hawkins has been doing as of late. Today he has Michael Medved, yesterday Bernard Goldberg, and last week Andrew Sullivan. Go check them out if you haven’t already.
Poll Stability
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Terrorists, That Graham Cracker, CNN, Just End It, and I’m Too Pissed Again to Be Funny
- When people see monkeys rampaging in India, they think of Frank.
Numerous alert readers have sent me a story about how monkeys have overrun New Delhi. India is a newly burgeoning democracy, but you can’t be a prosperous nation and be overrun with monkeys. As proof, take a look at the good ‘ole USA, the most prosperous nation there is and ever will be; are we overrun with monkeys? No. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
Of course, it took work to clear out North America of its monkey menace. This was illustrated by the tall tales of Johnny Monkeykill who roamed the plains of America killing monkeys left and right. In reality, though, it was an opium-fueled posse that did the simicide, painting our pristine landscape with monkey blood.
Anyway, back to India, monkeys definitely our the main barrier separating the country from prosperity. In the monkeys’ cold black hearts there is nothing but monkey evil and a desire to menace and destroy. Thus it was a good step that their Supreme Court declared that New Delhi must be monkey-free. This will anger Hanuman, the monkey god, though, who must also be eliminated. Now, I don’t know a damn thing about killing gods, but, anytime I’m not sure how to kill something, such as a zombie or an alien, first thing I do is try my shotgun. Hardly anything can stand up to buckshot fired at close-range.
Good luck, India, and good hunt’n. - My senator, Bob Graham, will not run for reelection. This is good because he is a Democrat and I don’t like them. It’s time for Florida to have a Republican senator to combat that other senator… uh… what’s his name… Florida does have a second senator, right? Yeah, all states have two senators – even Wisconsin. Anyway, my point is I want my new senator to be a Republican unlike the other senator who I’m pretty sure is not.
- There are a number of abandoned websites out there. I’m serious! It’s good we have CNN to tell us things like this.
- Here’s another great CNN headline that’s a real shocker.
- Tonight, the Democrat presidential candidates will get to debate before our youngest and dumbest voters. Does anyone care about the Democrat’s primary anymore? Just end the farce and pick some doofus already. It was funny watching the Democrats implode for a while, but now it’s just getting sad.
- I hate Bill Clinton. It wasn’t as much his political views (he was pretty much a moderate) as that he was just a complete scumbag, a disgrace to the office of the President. Still, despite my strong feelings against him, there were times I didn’t see him as Bill Clinton, lecherous, bloated hillbilly, and instead saw him as the President of the fking United States of America, and that’s when he was attacked by other countries as a way of attacking America and when we had military operations going on. I can’t remember Somalia too well, but I know with Bosnia conservatives like me only wished the best our troops and didn’t see any tragedy (such as when some troops were captured) as a partisan political opportunity. Whatever disagreements with the leader, this was still our country and our people out there fighting.
But now there are people that, when hearing about a tragedy in Iraq, there first reaction is not horror but delight at an opportunity to attack the president. They cry crocodile tears for our soldiers (these are some of the same people who chase ROTC off of college campuses) so they can attack a president they hate for whatever wacky reasons they have. I pointed out one example, but we hear plenty of others coming from a significant minority. Now I don’t brandy this word about lightly, but this has gone from political discourse to just being plain evil – a very mild but growing evil that show a real disconnect from one’s fellow man.
There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can’t understand how the phrase “We are losing a soldier a day,” can be followed by anything other than, “so let’s get those fking bastards.”
That wasn’t funny, but I’m pissed and sometimes I need to vent. I’ll be more funny tomorrow.
In My World: George W. Bush in “Marked for Death”
“Honey, you need to take out the trash,” Laura Bush told her husband a bit irately.
“But I’m busy planning this country’s economic future and fighting the war on terror.”
“No you’re not,” Laura answered, “You’re watching an A-Team marathon. Now take out the trash. Oh… and someone left a message for you on the front door.”
“Fine,” Bush said, getting off the couch and turning off the T.V. He got the trash and took it outside and then found there was a message stuck to the front door by a dagger.
“Ooh! A message with a free dagger!” Bush exclaimed excitedly as he took the letter, “The best kind.” The message was some weird symbol written in blood. “I wonder if this is a reminder from the blood bank,” Bush mused aloud as he walked inside.
“Does this mean anything to you, Zatoichi?” Bush asked as he handed the message to the blind samurai.
Ichi felt the writing. “This says you are marked for death by a deadly ninja assassin.”
“Deadly ninja assassin!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s the worst kind of ninja assassin!”
“You are informed so that you may live the last hours of your life in constant fear,” Zatoichi added.
“It’s working!” Bush shouted in a panic, “I am in fear! Oh man, I bet I know why this is happening, too. I should have listened to Karl Rove in Japan when he told me not give a wedgie to the leader of the Yakuza!” Bush grabbed Ichi by the collar. “You gotta tell me what to do, Ichi-san!”
“Three ryo, and I give you advice.”
Bush searched his pocket for gold coins. “Here you go.”
“My advice to you: make sure your will is up to date. Heh heh heh.”
“That’s not good advice!” Bush yelled angrily, “I want my ryo back!”
“No refunds!” Ichi said as he held his cane sword in a threatening manner.
“I really need to have less blind samurai in my administration,” Bush grumbled to himself as he walked off, “You just can’t trust them. Man, and I have this big speech about terrorism to give today, too. I can’t back off from that or it will embolden the terrorists… and the last thing the terrorists need is emboldening. This ninja assassin has to be the worst thing that’s happened to me during this administration since the fourth time I got my tie stuck in the shredder.”
Bush spotted one of his Secret Service. “Agent Smith, I need your help,” Bush pleaded, “I’m targeted by a ninja for assassination so I need extra protection.”
“Sorry; can’t help,” Agent Smith answered, “It’s a holiday today.”
“What holiday?”
“Uh… the ‘Don’t Get Killed by a Ninja Protecting Bush’ holiday.”
“You made that up!”
“Union rules say I can make up holidays,” Agent Smith answered as he went back to reading his paper.
“Stupid unionized Secret Service,” Bush muttered, and then spotted White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “Hey, Scott, I need you to do something today.”
“What?”
“I want you to give the speech on terrorism while wearing a cowboy hat just like I would and this sign.”
Scott looked at the sign. It said, “I am President Bush. If you want to assassinate the president, then kill me.”
“Hey!” Scott exclaimed, “Have you been targeted by a deadly ninja assassin and are trying to set me up as a decoy?”
“No!” Bush said innocently, “Why, would you have a problem with that?”
“I’ve already been shot far too many times on your behalf for just being a Press Secretary,” Scott answered, “I’m not going to take a poison ninja throwing star for you.”
“You don’t know for certain they’ll be poisoned,” Bush called to Scott as he walked off. “Guess I have to face this one alone,” Bush said to himself. He approached Laura. “This may be the last time I see you, my dear wife. I have to go give a speech now, and I may not come back alive.”
“Well, if you do come back alive,” Laura answered, “Make sure to pick up some milk along the way.”
“I have to give a speech about terrorism while a ninja is out for my head,” Bush said to himself as he stood near the podium, “Things couldn’t get any worse.”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Crap!” Bush yelled, “It’s Senator Daschle. I don’t have time to listen to your whines, Daschle; I’m trying not to get killed by a ninja.”
“But it’s important that I talk about how saddened I am by… ack… erk…”
Daschle fell to the ground twitching, and Bush noticed a poison dart in his neck. “Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “President Bush has been assassinated by a ninja! So says I, weasely Democratic Senator Daschle. I guess that ninja can now go back to Japan while I go off to raise taxes and surrender on the war on terror.”
The ninja hopped down from a tree. “You do not fool me, President Bush,” the ninja said, “Now you die!” He drew his sword.
“A ninja sword!” Bush yelled, “Nothing can stop that!” Bush then ran off while the ninja pursued.
Bush was soon stopped by a reporter. “Hi. I’m from the New York Times. I was wondering what you have to say about your colossal failure in Iraq due to your poor planning.”
“I don’t have time to talk about that; a ninja is chasing me!” Bush said and then continued running.
“Ooh, I already have the headline,” the reporter said, scribbling in his notepad, “‘Bush Runs from War Record, Ninja’.”
“Think think think,” Bush said to himself as he continued to flee, “Man, I have a hard enough time coming up with plans when a ninja isn’t chasing me.” He then spotted the ACLU headquarters ahead of him. “Ah ha!” He ran inside, and the ninja quickly came in after, sword held above his head ready to strike. Bush was hiding behind the door, though, and snuck back out. He then whipped out his cell phone.
“Condi, do you have the coordinates of the ACLU headquarters ready for a missile strike?”
“I have it on the cruise missile version of speed dial,” Condoleezza Rice answered.
“Hit it!”
Soon missiles came out of the sky blew up the building, leaving nothing left but rubble. “Ha!” Bush laughed, “Ain’t nothing cruise missiles can’t solve!”
“Aren’t you concerned of collateral damage?” asked a nearby reporter.
“It’s the weekend,” Bush answered, “No one was in there.”
“It’s Tuesday morning,” the reporter corrected him.
“Whatever,” Bush said, “If the ACLU didn’t want to get all blowed up, then… uh… they shouldn’t have been harboring ninjas.”
Sunday Update
Hey! New Simpsons tonight! Hooray!
Anyway, my In My World™ is written for tomorrow and I think it’s pretty funny… but what the hell do I know?
Here is my vote for the New Weblog Showcase. Go check it out. If you’re an Alliance member, make sure to vote so we aren’t beaten by The League of Liberals who gloat when troops get killed. What a bunch of muckadoos…
I’ve now gotten about halfway through February with my random quotes. I got a lot funnier this year, so there’s a lot for from each month to add. If you want my random quote on your site, just add this line to your html:
<script type=”text/javascript” src=”http://www.imao.us/docs/quotes.txt”></script>
Anyway, I’m really busy still, but I’ll try and keep the funny coming.