Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses

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If I’m not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I’m getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, “Hey! I’m a virus!” (actually, they’re worms, but now we’re getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.
FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES
* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.
* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.
* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.
* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.
* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.
* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.
* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I’m working on it.
* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.
* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn’t find a way to kill themselves while doing it.
* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It’ll help the economy.
* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.
* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you’re using Windows 98.
* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don’t s**t where you eat.
* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.
* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh… too late.
* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an “air gap” between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.
* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.
* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn’t mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.
* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won’t protect you from that. I don’t know about McAfee.
* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don’t fall for it! No one loves you.
* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can’t e-mail him.
* If you’ve finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.

No Comments

  1. You guys think he’s joking about the NoseBite virus, but he’s not. This one time, I was at my computer at work typing up some shell scripts, i went to go get a cup of coffee. I came back and I noticed a monkey on my screen. I said “Hey, there’s a monkey on my screen”.
    I was then busy being impressed because the monkey looked real. I thought I had downloaded a beta version of Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City, and was being impressed by the graphics. All of a sudden I noticed my co-worker laughing evily. I said “Hey, Ken, why are you laughing evily?” He said “Don’t worry about it, just keep working”
    I said “OK Man, but look at this cool monkey on my screen, look how real it looks, this is a screen shot from Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City”
    As soon as I said it I realized my gaff and said “heeeeey, there’s no such thing as Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City”. I was busy being depressed, when the monkey moved. I tried hitting the delete key to nullify the monkey’s existence, but it was no good. By now Ken’s evil laughter was causing people from the DBA cube across the hall to start Prarie Dogging us.
    I said “noooo, the delete key didn’t work” and I started to get depressed again, first about the face that my delete key was broken, then about the fact that I was suddenly reminded that there was no new Grand Theft Auto game in the forseeable future. Sure, there was True Crime: Streets Of LA, but it just wasn’t the same. Around that time, I busied myself comparing the two games in my head, and was just about to determine GTA to be the ultimate winner, when the monkey bit my nose off.
    Then I got depressed again. By then Ken’s evil laughter was overwhelming.
    Now I need to go buy a new Delete Key.
    I like Grand Theft Auto, but I also liked having my nose. If had to choose between having a new GTA game, or having my nose back, I’d probably be happy, then sad, then happy again. I’d be like “Yeay, I got my nose, but now I have to go find another game to play, but now I can smell my dinner cooking again”, or I’d be like “Yeay, I got Grand Theft Auto: Monkey City, but I have no nose, but oooo, check out the cool graphics”
    I hate Ken.

    Reply to this comment

  7. “* Some e-mails use human engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.”
    that was nice of you to call it human engineering rather than human stupiudity.
    “* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you’re using Windows 98.”
    ROFL, frank. you funny.

    Reply to this comment

  8. you FIEND. I hope your happy. I blamed Ken and threw him out the second floor window to our office. He landed in the bushes and severely sprained his thumb. All that pain because I blaimed him.

    Reply to this comment
    • Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.
      Yeah, I think people should only be able to use alpha-numeric symbols. The delete key, the function keys, and even print screen are just too powerful for some users. Especially senior citizens.
    Reply to this comment

  11. So I’m reading the comments so far and get interrrupted by the virus alert from my virus protection osftware popping up to tell me that there’s something trying to do something in the background. The question is: Was it something Frank did or is it just a coincidence?
    I vote for Frank!

    Reply to this comment

  15. Frank, you goofed up: that should read “or you’re running Windows Me,” not Windows 98.
    I must admit that after using NT (Win2k), any 9x platform makes me want to pound my head against a wall, because it feels so good when I stop. 🙂
    Tom: you call that lucky!?
    Just kidding. No, really. If I wanted a system with a bottleneck memory bus and overpriced five-year-old hardware (except the CPU), I’d buy a Mac, too!
    Ok, ok. I really am teasing about most of that. The new G5s look pretty good, even if I do think they are a bit pricey. And -to be a bit more serious- there do seem to be some issues out there relating to the memory bus. Steven Den Beste over at USS Clueless has written a fascinating article on the topic.

    Reply to this comment

  21. I heard that monkeys have 98% of our DNA. Which makes me wonder how they stole it and what they’re planning to do with it. Also makes me wonder how we’ve managed to survive with only 2% of our DNA left.

    Reply to this comment

  24. I recieved a virus from Mexico the other day. It said that due to some unresolved technilogical inferriority issues, it was unable to harm my computer, but asked me to manually delete a couple of files on my own. So I did.

    Reply to this comment

  25. Actually, the reason viruses don’t affect Linux users is MS hasn’t come out with a version of Microsoft Security Hole (with email functionality) for Linux yet. MS thinks they’re punishing the Linux community this way. Heh-heh-heh.

    Reply to this comment
    • Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn’t find a way to kill themselves while doing it.
      LMAO!!!
    • One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.
      again, LMAO!
    Reply to this comment

  29. If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you’re using Windows 98.
    You mean windows ME, 98 runs quite nicely if you DON”T put the updates on.
    Also, I just repaired a computer that had 32667 virus on. I am quite serious, really.
    http://www.free-av.com runs 10000000000000 times better than norton or mcrappy, and best of all… It’s free. and you should listen to me, I build/fix computers all day long

    Reply to this comment

  32. I learned so much about computer viruses that I may or may not already have known. But I dare say your crack staff messed up…
    * If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It’ll help the economy.
    Ah, but it doesn’t. Now, if it was just to destroy all computers that leftists have and use, thus crippling their abilities to meet up, move on, and so forth, then it would help the economy, but by a more roundabout process…
    As for,
    * Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don’t fall for it! No one loves you.
    you just wrecked six months of therapy…

    Reply to this comment
    • Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don’t fall for it! No one loves you.
      but I love you…
      well, unless your French. Or Spanish, and voted for The Communist Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. In that case, go check your email.
    Reply to this comment

  38. Frank, i can’t believe you actually DID NOT put Windows ME there. In a barfight, Windows 98 would beat Windows ME because it’d take ME a couple minutes to realize it’s in a barfight.
    F’ing hilarious, showed it to my teacher.
    And btw, you should hold a contest Frank for the computer with the most viruses. Have everyone run a single anti-virus program and send you print screens, and then we can point and laugh at the winner.

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