In the olden days, the ruler of a nation was decided by who was strongest and could best kill his enemies. Political discourse consisted merely of battle cries. An October surprise consisted of ninjas jumping down from rafters.
And everyone was happy.
Now, eventually this became more civilized, leading to the contest for American President being decided by a no holds barred cage match. Campaigning usually consisted of wrestling a bear. This was the better idea because the opponent wasn’t killed, and he might have better ideas the next time around (and a craftier headlock). Somehow – and I’m not sure of the semantics – this devolved into the Electoral College we now use today. And thus the pendulum has swung too far, making politics almost completely devoid of violence. When was the last time you saw a congressional debate end with someone doing a flying kick across the room? Months, at least.
Now, it’s irrefutable that violence helps political discourse. Yes, someone could begin to voice an objection to my point, but I would quickly beat him before he could say anything. Thus, it is irrefutable. So why was violence taken out of politics? Well, it’s all a conspiracy by the wimpy leftists to try and get an upper hand. Everyone knows liberal ideals wouldn’t last in an out and out fight. Most of their wacky stances on issues would probably be given up after a simple bitch-slap. Most people in the military vote Republican, as do gun owners, so a real “debate” like in the olden days would be extremely one sided. Sure, murderers in prison mainly lean towards the Democrats, but that will in no way make up the gap. Let’s face it: in the area of violence, the liberals are politically bereft of ideas. Their only real response available is, “Ow! Stop hitting me!” And, no, we won’t.
So let’s forget our previous follies and get back to beating senseless our political opponents. You can’t reason with people who wave “No Blood for Oil” signs, but you can use their signs as cudgels against them. Foreign diplomat getting snooty? Not after he has a trip through a plate-glass window. And think of what it would be like if a politician drop-kicked a whiny liberal; there would be some real leadership.
That’s why for this coming presidential election, we should petition that the president not be decided by a bunch of goobers punching chads but instead by a kickboxing match. That will show our terrorist enemies that we are a serious people… and that we will seriously kick their asses.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such mindlessly controversial books as “Hitler: He Wasn’t So Bad” and “Kids Should Smoke More”
LOL! “That’s why for this coming presidential election, we should petition that the president not be decided by a bunch of goobers punching chads but instead by a kickboxing match.” Like Kerry would even dare… He might break a nail or something.
cannot stop laughing. ok, i have now, but i read it like 10 minutes ago, and at that time, i couldn’t stop laughing. cackling and crying, i was.
brilliant.
Kerry would just have his butler (or his wife should the butler be busy) do the liberal fighting method of flailing wildly, hoping for some kind of contact.
Frank, you seriously need to proofread better. Also, you need to make these books you name at the end of your editorials available, so that we can pay money for them. Lots of money!
Pay me better and I’ll proofread better.
This is a good idea but we can’t let all violence be political. If we forget violence for violence sake then the terrorists win.
spacemonkey,
You speak with wisdom beyond your years… whatever the hell they are.
I think we would need to be careful with the implementation of this plan. What if some old conservative dude ended up going against a middle-age democrat? In this case I would suggest pistol duels at 10 paces (I know a lot of old dudes who are really good shots). Also, some of the female politicians might not be so keen on the idea of messing up their hair. If we could start them out with arm wrestling and slowly ride the cycle of violence toward our end goal, they might be more willing to participate.
lightbulb Just had a great idea. Forget all of the above stuff. If a politician doesn’t want to fight, the can hire a WWF (I know, it’s something else, but I don’t remember what.) wrestler to fight for them. Even if the democrats try to get one, we can pay him off because we have all of America’s money. Heh, wouldn’t it be great to see Hulk Hogan giving sKerry a workover? I don’t watch wrestling, but I would definitely watch that 🙂
PIMF, yo… PIMF.
Trucido
Your watering down of frank’s idea is no good.
This is about election of the fittest/cheatingest. Old politicians can still win if they are willing to play dirty and be wily and keep a concealed carry crowbar.
I hope that’s a good compromise for you. teh crowbar thing. They can look like cheaters but they HAVE to weild the crowbar themselves otherwise the terrorists win.
PIMF? Do I want to know?
We have the forum for this…
Celebrity Death Match.
OK Spacemonkey, I’ll give it to you. Crowbars would be good. Or lead-weighted bats. (Remember Saddam’s knees?)
p.s. (P)review (I)s (M)y (F)riend.
Words to live by.
I always say, if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin hard enough.
If this were the way things worked, I would so go into politics. >:o)
Instead of debates there would be deBEATs.
Straw polls would involve battling using poles made of straw. Or sticks, straw seems wimpy.
The political platform would be the place candidates would do battle.
Instead of using ‘attack ads’ you would use an ‘attack adz’. Look it up.
This is fun.
Has anyone else noticed that since Frank got back….Dem is nowhere to be found. Guess Frank scared him away. 🙂
In general, I like it. But I fear that Kerry would exploit it by doing something like shooting Bush in the back with a .50 BMG as if he was a fleeing Vietnamese teen. Therefore, I would approve the use of napalm and carpet bombing as a pre-emptive strike against liberal ideology.
Frank,
Have you considered writing for the Onion? You could be their “conservitives-in-the-mist” type guy like David Brooks is for the NYT.
Just a thought,
Mike Holt
Foreign diplomat getting snooty? Not after he has a trip through a plate-glass window.
LMAO!! Very funny, Frank!!
Aaah, but have you considered Kerry’s considerable chin? It has to be made out of something other than bone. A mere bone doesn’t shape like that and it could be crowbar resistant.
Luckily, the rest of him is a pile of sticks!
–Remember that old age and treachery will win out against youth and enthusiasm every time.
–Also, a Texas Cowboy will win 100 percent of the time against a cheese eating, french-raised, northern liberal sissy.
In keeping with this, I recommend the GOP adopt the Rottweiller as its mascot.
Devil dog, a noble sentiment.
Now We See the Violence Inherent in the System
Or, at least, we should. Frank J., provider of fine humor products since 2002, has posted an editorial in which he laments the lack of violence in modern political debate: Now, it’s irrefutable that violence helps political discourse. Yes, someone
Following the WWF style model proposed earlier, would that mean that politicians could have classy managers like Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, “Classy” Freddie Blassie, and Mr. Fuji? If so then FrankJ should immediately be hired as GWB’s manager. I’ll even buy him a sequined bow tie.
Can’t remember if it is WWF or WWE now.. Whatever, anyhoo I thought they used folding metal chairs?
I would soooo pay big money to see GWB bust one of those sidewise across frenchy-lookin’ sissy-boy’s chops! Heh heh heh!
It’s just a joke, of course, but regarding the things that are not funny (at least not in the manner you intended)…
“And everyone was happy”???
That’s what you call glossing over a messy, complicated and belying reality! That’s some fancy footwork there, Frank.
Besides, people in a concentration camp who get an extra 5 minutes of fresh air (before they are gassed, of course), are “happy”. It’s all about conditioning. It’s all what you are used to. What your expectations are.
Aside from that I am, I apologize, continuously moved to amusement (I’m giggling now) by macho posing, the sort of group-think that if we all agree to agree that bluster passes muster, the sort of always-talk-tough and no one will notice you’re a big ‘fraidy cat that seizes hold particularly of those who choose to call themselves rightwing. “You know, I got a big wrench, and I was replacing the engine in this chevy, and then I was banging this hotty, and I saw some French-looking faggot on TV, Fox that is, none of that Communist News Channel stuff, and I’ll kick their asses, after I clean my guns, blah, blah, blah…
The idea that action is preferable to reflection is an old one, of course, but tellingly it has essentially been a literally fascist one. You joke that the Democrats are “bereft” (a fave term of Limbaugh-apers) of ideas. That may be true (did they have any in the first place?), but it is no less true of the Republicans! For both sides the Idea is, help the richer stay rich and get richer, expand the power of the government, carry on the War Against Iraq and keep up the charade of the War on Terror, so-called. Course, you might object and say look closer and you find some ideas among the Republicans, even if you don’t like them. That, too, can be said of the Democrats. But who cares either way!? They represent a distinction without a real difference. The joke is on us! There’s more to life than the simplistic conservatives vs. liberals faux contest. It’s a game…a Game! There’s more to criticism of Bush (and the other side, and the whole shabang) than mere partisanship. You fluff for the Game!
Ask yourself, people: Are you one of those knee-jerk war supporters (saluting and cheering from a great distance)? One of those Bush-loving, 9-11 inconsistencies and Patriot Act obscenities non-noticing types? Are you one of those few proud enough, bravely ready to give up sense and thousands of American and Iraqi (and Iranian and Syrian and so on) lives as well as the Republic you supposedly cherish as long as you can jerk off to Iraq footage on Fox? Are you one of those who bought the WMD lies and now cling to them clownishly and cluelessly well after even Cheney gave it up? Well, you’re all a bunch of cheeseburger eating surrender monkeys! Disgraces to liberty!
Don’t forget the about the undercard; We could have all the wannbes from the primaries all fight it off, that way we would know who will be the leading candidate(s) in four years.
sigh
Ron, obviously some people take themselves far too seriously.
But since I’m Canadian, I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings and self-esteem, and apologize for any discomfort that may have arisen from my sarcastic remark.
I also apologize to Frank J. for using up this comment area, and hope he will forgive my forewardness, especially since he doesn’t know me, and I have never before had the chance to apologize for posting (not having posted before).
I also apologize to all Canadians and Americans (and the rest of the world–and I’m sorry for not naming each and every country) for portraying Canadians as always apologizing little dipshits. Because that’s what we elected the government for, and I really should not be trying to do so myself.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY!
Ask yourself, people: Are you one of those knee-jerk war supporters
Answer: No I
m not. I didnt support Clintons war in Bosnia and I still dont support our involvment there.re not going to check facts youI do support our war on terror and the war in Iraq.
The war on terror is a no brainer to anyone other than an Idealist Utopian or a terrorist, you apparently fall into one of those catagories.
The war in Iraq is a no brainer to anyone with the means and desire to follow the facts.
Facts: Those nasty little unchallangable details that contradict propaganda and un-founded theories and ideologies.
Propaganda: The art of swaying public support/opinion through lies, half truths and mis-direction.
Ron, the facts are there if you care to check, so is the propaganda.
What was I thinking? Of <b>course</b> you
re still having orgasms over Farenheit 9/11.re not very smart.Your problem, like most ABBs, is that you simply <b>refuse</b> to believe that Bush might be right, so you ignore the facts, you believe anything that even hints at a contradiction regardless of proof, and you wildly grasp at straws for any conspirocy that might support your point of view, no matter how rediculous it might be.
In a nutshell, you
Education does not equal intelligence.
Intelligence does not equal wisdom.
If you were educated you would have come to this thread with something other than that cut and paste argument you posted here. An argument devoid of anything other than your dislike of conservatives.
If you were intelligent you would at least known where to find information to seemingly back up your ideology and posted it, yet you didn
t bother.t be having this conversation because your original post would have been:If you were wise we wouldn
Great article Frank!!!
posted by Ron Leighton at August 11,2004 8:37 AM
The Most Massive Link Dump In Recorded History
I save a lot of links in my blog surfing, thanks to FeedDemon’s NewsBin feature. Too many. But see, I usually have no time to blog. Thus, these entries are filed away in my newsbin, ported back and forth from home to office computers and back again, ju…
The Most Massive Link Dump In Recorded History
I save a lot of links in my blog surfing, thanks to FeedDemon’s NewsBin feature. Too many. But see, I usually have no time to blog. Thus, these entries are filed away in my newsbin, ported back and forth from home to office computers and back again, ju…
The Most Massive Link Dump In Recorded History
I save a lot of links in my blog surfing, thanks to FeedDemon’s NewsBin feature. Too many. But see, I usually have no time to blog. Thus, these entries are filed away in my newsbin, ported back and forth from home to office computers and back again, ju…