Kerry needs to catch up in the polls. For that, he’ll need some powerful commercials. There are a few issues he needs to hit, and I think I know how he should do them.
First, he needs to settle the controversy about his Vietnam service once and for all:
AD: I SERVED IN VIETNAM!
Kerry: You may not know this, but I served in Vietnam. That’s right, I was in Vietnam and was shot at and everything. I even have medals.
[Kerry shows his medals to the camera and then tosses them away.]
Kerry: Plus I have wounds.
[Kerry pulls up sleeve and holds his arm to the camera.]
Kerry: You’ll probably need HDTV to see it. Now, can you really imagine having a president who wasn’t on a boat being shot at? That’s crazy. You may have also heard about my testimony after I left Vietnam about war crimes. That’s just how dedicated I am: I will commit war crimes on America’s behalf. Now that is real leadership.
[Fade to black and show the logo “John Kerry: He commits war crimes.”]
Next Kerry need to let people know exactly where he stands on the war in Iraq:
AD: WHERE I STAND ON IRAQ
Kerry: Some people claim they can’t tell what my position is on the war in Iraq. Well, I want to settle this once and for all.
[Kerry reaches down to pick something up, but is unable.]
Kerry: Jeeves, help me here.
Kerry’s Butler: Certainly, sir.
[Together, they lift up a gigantic book.]
Kerry: In this 8,000 page book I wrote entitled “Whether the Iraq War is Right or Wrong,” I definitively answer my views on the current war in Iraq. I will send this free to any voter – though UPS is charging $100 for shipping.
[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: He has heavy views on heavy issues.”]
A poll of other countries shows that Kerry would win in a landslide if this were a worldwide election. Hmm. People who hate America and don’t want it to be a superpower would vote for Kerry.
Anyway, maybe it’s time for Kerry to show his foreign support.
AD: ANONYMOUS BACKERS
Kerry: Just listen to these unnamed foreign leaders I met in New York restaurants who they think should be president.
[One leader is on screen, face blacked out.]
Foreign Leader 1: I like this Kerry! He speaks zee French. He knows to consult weeth French people on important matters, and not stupid Americans!
[Another leader with face blacked out appears on screen.]
Foreign Leader 2: I like Kerry and I hate jooooos!
[Yet another leader appears with face blacked out.]
Foreign Leader 3: That camera is shiny!
[Fade to black with the slogan “John Kerry: Anonymous foreign people think he should be president; shouldn’t you?”]
heh, first! and John Kerry sucks!
excellent.
Awesome, so that’s what HDTV is good for? I hope it doesn’t make those baggy eyes look even baggier, he’s like the hound-dog candidate already.
So is Kerry iraqwarwrong?
Beo,
Nah, can’t be. iraqwarwrong has been consistant in it’s views, something sKerry’d need gene therapy to acomplish.
LOL. It’s really amazing how people in foreign countries really believe we care what they think…. So I’m supposed to go vote for a Democrat because THE FRENCH tell me to? Incredible.
What’s more incredible is that there are so many Americans who are actually gullible and stupid enough to do it…sigh….
Ha ha aha ha….ha
Kerry should get an old swift-boat and put it up on a trailer and tour the country with alot of news photographers.
It wouldn’t help him win (like that would ever happen) but it would be fun to look at the news every day and see another dorky picture of kerry trying to be….something…I don’t know what message he conveys
Who the $(@!)_$ cares what the rest of the world wants to vote for? God knows half the world is already voting here due to illegial aliens and the like!!!!
And China was part of the poll?! China, the peoples paradise? Like Cuba? Give me a break! just get out!
I am glad the United States can produce someone like GWB, and he can still get elected. Otherwise, we would have President Gore, still negotiating with the French, the UN, and the International Committee of Malcontents on whether to pass yet another resolution about how the Taliban better shape up, much less Iraq.
I am sure Libya would have abandoned their programs too, right?
Why is this news?! What a shock, fascists, communists, socialists, leftists, watermelons, and dictators don’t like the US, and they would vote for people that are similar to them. What a shock! This has only been going on since the US started.
I am about ready to spit.
The Frenchurian Candidate indeed.
You can take your world poll and…… pur it in the recyling bin.
I wonder what the people in Russia think after their encounter recently, and how they are talking about taking them out before they can hit again. Hmmm……
Anybody out there wanna make flash versions of these ads? I would, but I don’t know how. And I’m sure Frank would, but I doubt he wants to do the work. He make the funny, somebody else do the work.
What a scream! I hope Frank gets a wider audience, like a nationally syndicated column.
support this http://www.topplebush.com/bushresume.shtml
p.s. blegging? why don’t you ask bush to help you out? get a job since the economy is doing so “well” 🙂