I really need to get rid of a gun and some clothes quick. Any ideas? I want to make sure that, even if it is found, those CSI guys can’t get anything off of it (I’ve seen those shows, and they’re pretty thorough). No questions please; just answers.
Oh, and who wants to be an alibi?
My dad’s a gun dealer, what gun you need to ditch?
sigh
ok, i’ll be your alibi if you’ll fly to texas right this minute.
What sort of gun?
(Burn the clothes. Make sure you collect all the ashes, flush them, and be sure to thoroughly rinse the area where you did the burning.)
Give the clothes to a bunch of homeless hippies. The stench and grime from their bodies will prevent those CSI guys from even touching the clothes afterwards.
Drop the gun into the Gulf – the salt-water should make it untraceable in short order.
What times and dates do you need the alibi for?
Hey, the guy said no questions, aelfheld!
Oh Frank,
What have you done?
(don’t tell me)
Burn the clothes.
Buy some quickrete and a bucket.
Take a hacksaw and cut the weapon into three peices.
(stock, trigger, barrel)
Mix cement in bucket, place rifle pieces in bucket, let dry and throw in Indian River.
I know how to get rid of the body if you’re interested….
This may be off-topic … unless the alibi is for Cheney … but the Onion has a story that sounds almost like it was from “In My World”
Cheney Returns To Camp Crystal Lake
From the article:
When asked about Cheney’s whereabouts, White House press secretary Scott McClellan vehemently denied speculation that Cheney was responsible for the recent slayings, stating that Cheney has been far too busy with the Bush re-election campaign to visit Camp Crystal Lake in recent weeks. He also denied rumors that Cheney has turned on Donald Rumsfeld after assisting him with a string of murders on Elm Street, and he strenuously insisted that the two high-ranking government officials will not fight to the death.
I recommend hogs on getting rid of the body.
Clothes should almost be shipped to Iraq, in the name of some hated liberal (like John Kerry, because he did committ war crimes). And always take the gun, clean it throughly and then sell it on ebay with puppy blenders name.
DON’T BURN THE CLOTHES! That’s not good enough. Strong acid, carbolic, hydrocloric or sulfuric is the ticket. Make certain to neutralize the acid when done and spread the resulting inert solution in a large open area.
The gun–Find a construction site with still wet cement.
Soak the clothing in undiluted bleach, then burn it.
Stash the handgun in your local Kerry/Edwards ’04 office. Lefties, being full of hidden rage, will inevitably handle the firearm when it is found (Look! Look what some damned Republican must have left here! Drop a dime from pay phone to the police to tell them it’s there, then drop another dime from another payphone to the KE04 people to tell them, so someone will pick it up and have it in hand when the police arrive.
say, richard mcenroe, how long’s it been since you’ve been to a payphone? cheapest i can find them nowadays is $.35, but many are now $.50.
No one else even stepped up to be your alibi!!!
You were with me, all night last night baby!! haha
i stepped up long ago, blondie. 7:43. 🙂
frank, we need to talk…
Frank, I’m taking Forensics in highschool this year, and let me tell you, you’re SOL. Mechanical Fingerprinting, arson specialists, and other units would have you down in an instant. Since they teach me how to track criminals, they also teach me how to avoid being caught… follow my advice.
Eat the clothing and melt the gun in magma! It’s the only way! The body can be magma’d too.
Give everything to CBS and Dan Rather and tell them it proves George W. Bush killed Vince Foster.
Bury it in the end zone at Giant Stadium next to Jimmy Hoffa.
man, you guys are muckadoos.
Everyone knows Frank didn’t do it.
Oh and Blondie, your flirtin with disaster. Don’t you know the SarahK-inator will terminate you?
Reed! Your back!
As to the topic at hand, I’m with Spetiam. It’s your best bet.
I’ll swear you were in Gainesville helping me kill monkeys and helping blind samurai cross the street! On an unrelated note, us Florida bloggers need a cool alliance like the Bear Flag League.
Frank, I’ve got a degree in forensic science, let me know if you ever need help hiding a body or various muder implements. Also, I live in SWFL, so it would be easy for us to meet up. Like the old saying goes, “A Friend will help you move, a true friend will help you move a body.” While I could not pick you out of a lineup, I love your blog!
Take everything to New Orleans and dump it in the bay. Then get out quick. It’ll be years before they find your stuff (it’ll take that long to clean up after Ivan). By the time they find it, you will have already established your new identity. No problema!
One word: Chomps.
hey, frank: i really enjoyed the last two months that we spent fishing in mexico. you ready to go again?
vlad the conservative cossack
Give your gun and clothing to Dan Rather and tell him that you are an expert who can prove that George W. Bush used the gun to kill Kennedy in ’63.
Guns, and clothes…. forget about it. Body disposal is what counts. Hack the body up into at least 6 peices, then bury them each at least a mile apart.
If you have time, take a three-quarters full can of oil-based paint and drop the gun in it. Leave the cover off.
Clothes are easy. Katie is right- give it to homeless people- better yet, offer to sell it to them. Like this: Hold up the clothes, tell them how expensive it is, offer it for fifty dollars. Don’t hold onto it to tightly, because nine times out of ten,they’ll snatch the clothes and run. Run after them, but not very fast. Remember, the point is they should get away. Not only will you never see the clothes again, nobody else will. They will hide from the cops, thinking you told the cops about the theft. This works nine times ut of ten because nine out of ten homeless people are insane. The tenth one is an alchoholic and will be to buzzed to snatch the clothes.
Nobody is better at hiding from cops than homeless people.
As for the body… it’s a toughy. Moving the body is the hardest part. Take a rug you don’t like (preferably) and wrap the body in it. Get a GOOD friend to help you move the rug/body into your car (hopefully it won’t bleed much) and find a construction site. Look for one where they have set up the forms for the foundation, but haven’t poured the concrete yet. dump the body into the form, (do this at night so nobody sees you- I probably should have put that first) and cover it with debris you find lying around. The body will not be recovered for another forty years, if ever.
As for alibi, if you can get to Brooklyn, NY in twenty minutes, I’ll say you were with me.
Good luck dude.
Uh, Frank, are you going to eat that?
Two words.
Hurricane wreckage.
Ummm… I should point out, I’ve never tried to hide a gun, clothes, or a body before. My above post was a lucky guess.
Ahem.
They now have this sleeze ball company that creates alibis for succesfully cheating on your wife…
and no a-hole i am not going to tell you who.
That is dispicable.
Anyway you can get reciepts and game tickets what ever.
Isn’t that just f-ed up?
Chainik Hocker you never ever have any friends THAT good, nor do you want to be seen with a suspicious rug over your shoulders heading to a construction site, so stop giving Frank bad advice. (or are you one of them lefty monkeys in disguise). I do like the clothes idea, but remember a bum will sell you out for a pack of smokes to the cops!
Toss the gun in a barrel of oil. That will ruin any prints and residue. Toss the gun in the Atlantic. Burn the clothes. Scatter the ashes.
Melt a block of parrafin in a cheap saucepan.. Smear the melted wax all over your hands and cheeks of your face. Let the wax cool and harden. Peel off the wax. Any powder residue will remain in the wax… Get rid of the wax too!
Shower. Shampoo. Dry off. Change clothes. Remember to establish a reasonable, checkable alibi.
Jack.
Hm. No body; no crime. Wrap in plastic until you can take it somewhere safe (your bathroom) and drain it of blood. Then quarter it. Place the individual pieces into a couple of plastic trash bags. Goto commercial outlets and place the parts into dumpsters around town. The only part you may need help in is getting the body from point A to the bathroom for draining. Oh, and be sure to place the parts into non-food dumpsters otherwise previously mentioned peoples may find it while searching for a meal.
A friend will help you move.A good friend will help you move a body.
Luke, you are a nitwit! You NEVER, EVER, EVER! take the body into your own home!
Frank – You need to plan these little details in advance!
Heck you live in the U.S. You SHOULD take the body into your home and say it was self defense.
It was self defense, wasn’t it Frank?
Wasn’t it?
I guess we’ll leave it at that.
Got a cutting torch? That’ll take care of both problems… Clothes go poof and it’s kinda hard to get a bullet down a torch-cut bbl. Or extracter marks from a torch-cut slice/cylinder/frame…
Frank J is already aware that the VRWC (Alaska Chapter) is ready to defend in whatever way may be necessary the integrity that has become the hallmark of this site. There are, at this moment, legions of rock and mountain climbers ready to lead expeditions far and wide, to find ‘sanitized’ sites to ‘dispose’ of ‘questionable’ evidence. The discovery of bottomless glacial holes is a common occurance in the exploration the last, great frontier and warrants further study in this context. As a certified guide in areas of this purvue, I offer my services. This family has never left a customer unsatisfied. From Annapurna to Mckinley our expertise is acclaimed both near and far. Whether it be ‘disposal’ in a remote lake or locked in time forever in an un-remembered glacier, remember the VRWC (Ak). First in having people forget about us, leaving us to do what we feel is right for the country. Alaska, A True Democracy. America’s Last Best Hope for Peace.
Move the body to its original residence. Tell the cops that he/she pulled a gun on you while you were robbing his/her house. You will get off on self defense.
reads comment *
*…!
slowly backing out & making no sudden moves
Frank, forget all that stuff, you need a patsy (am I spelling that right?)
BTW, You folks all remind me to never piss you off, okay?
Burning? Acid? sigh
Frank, K.I.S.S.!
Take the gun (don’t worry about fingerprints, just run a file through the bore to destroy the grooves) and the clothing (don’t worry about fibers or blood) and put them in a box. Type up a confession and have someone else forge your signature with a really expensive fountain pen and put the confession into the box. Then have that same person put the addresses on the box and mail it from a post office in NYC to Dan Rather, c/o CBS News.
Even if he DOES turn it in, no one will belive it!
hand the gun and clothes to monkeys down at the zoo. No CSI episode has every looked in the monkey cage for clues. Our alibi is we were at the zoo.
Frank, forget all that stuff, you need a patsy (am I spelling that right?)
No I believe you meant Pasty.
He needs a PASTY…well a pair of them, that way he can wear them to court rip off his shirt and start dancing on the table a swinging his pasties, he’ll be sure of an insanity plea then…
just sayin’
just a swingin’…..
If you left casings at the sight, the whole gun must go, but I know you’re smart enough to have picked them up. So just remove the barrel from your gun and toss it in the ocean. Buy a new barrel and keep the gun. No sense wasting a perfectly good gun.
Soak the clothes in pure bleach for 15 minutes then run through a regular wash cycle down at the laundry mat. This will soften them up and you can cut them into small squares for bore cleaning patches.
The body. Leave it in a car with documents pertaining to whitewater and the Clintons will take care of the rest.
I’m with LokiDoki. You guys are freaking me out!
If the body is more than slightly…..ahem…messy….Put it in a bathtub. Then invite Michael Moore over for a bathtub full of Cherry Cobbler a la Aqua Teen Hunger Force 😀
LMAO @ Joshua!
Okay, so Pasties did cross my mind… but I had to stop short because the image would have blown a mental fuse! Eeek!
The thing about the insanity plea, is it only lasts so long as they can bring in a psyciatrist to observe you & see if you are a real nut-job or not, however….
Frank, being a republican, or any of us for that matter (after reading all these helpful hints… oh, dear) should easily qualify for certifiable…. Because, you know, republican = evil & therefore insane & stuff… 🙂
It depends on when and how you got the gun. If you purchased it new in the last several years (considering your age, that’s probably a “yes”) then you have a problem, since most (all?) gun manufacturers have started a ballistics database on the weapons sold. If you have the slug, then no worries. But let’s not buy trouble, even if it’s on sale. It doesn’t matter if the gun is semi-auto or not, the entire thing has to go. Sad, but at least you’ll be supporting a decent industry here in the States. (You had better have bought an American gun!) The best way to get rid of it is rather moot. Remove the serial numbers, bore the barrel, grind down the firing pin and extractor (is applicable) and put it somewhere not associated with you. Don’t toss it in the back yard, or in the garbage disposal, fer goodness sake. This process is moot though because you haven’t owned that gun in quite some time. Don’t you remember selling it at a local gun show quite a few months ago? You even have a receipt for the cash the average looking gentleman with the strange eyes gave you, right? Right? Right! Other posts concerning the clothes are good enough. Might want to throw some ammonia on there as well, just not at the same time as the bleach, duh! Alibis are for guilty people. Since you haven’t done anything, you don’t need one. More importantly, I didn’t do anything wrong either, and since we were having a grand time down in the French Quarter during whatever time frame we’re talking about, I guess it’s all good, yes/no?
Keep the faith.
Repeat after me: I was young and needed the money!
(It may not get you out of prison but it will SO land you a mega book deal!)
Frank,
I assume that if you used a gun in a manner for which you may have future legal problems, it was a high-quality semi-automatic. For argument’s sake, lets say it is a model 1911 .45 ACP.
Now, most gun ranges have guns in-store that you can rent, so that you can test-fire a type of gun you don’t own. Almost every one of them has a 1911 .45 ACP.
Go to the shooting range and rent one of theirs. Also, take your own, and some tools. While there, detail strip both your model and theirs. Put them back together with parts swapped. Now, your piece of evidence has a different barrel, firing pin, extractor, etc. A ballistic test of “your” firearm will show that yours is NOT the offending weapon. And best of all, none of these parts have serial numbers. To really muck things up, you can order some replacement parts from Brownell’s, and intermingle them with your gun and the range gun, throwing away the extras from the range gun.
To cover your tracks, pay for the shooting range with cash and sign in using a fake ID, so there is no audit trail to recover your parts. Toss the extra parts from the range gun into a scrap metal recycling bin in an industrial district far away.
Now, as for the clothes, take them to a laundromat far from your own home. Wash them with triple the normal amount of bleach, in hot water, then dry on high heat. Then, dye them. Now, they will look different, so witnesses who saw, say, a red t-shirt and tan pants will see a blue t-shirt and blue pants. Also, they will shrink and will not fit. If the pants do not fit, you must acquit. Finally, donate the clothes anonymously to a local goodwill store, where they will end up quickly on some hobo.
As for your alibi, just say you were fishing with Scott Peterson.
The forensic guys are the only ones givingyou sound advice. Find a nice hot industrial furnace – one they use to melt metal throw everythign in there. Often these furnaces provide services to people who need to melt down things as a public service – i.e. incineration of waste paper from local schools, police stations, etc. Just find out when the next local trash buirn is and toss it in with that. MAGMA would work, but it is hard to find unless you are willing to fly to Hawaii – industrial furnacs are all over the place though usually near major industral cites. DOnt even worry about the ash, it is enough heat to detsory even DNA. Enjoy.
Don’t have an Alibi if you don’t already have one, too easy to find holes. Just state you don’t remember as that time / date was not particularly intersting any ecuse after the fact can be destoryed.
Don’t use concrete. and avoid Blonds and storys about France. That is all the help I can give you.
“I recommend hogs on getting rid of the body.” if it is in a movie it works. which is why you should through the gun in a river. no one will find it if it is a deep enough river.
Gun, very simple, get some medium grit-rubbing compound at an auto store and a metal file (you should have already had these on hand).
Run the grit through the barrel with a patch or four, save the patches.
Take the file and touch the firing pin real lightly a couple of times to scratch it as well as the extractor.
Oil down the file and place in your toolbox. Oiling a few other tools is a good idea as well.
Clean the gun, then take it to a range to practice fire it.
As soon as you can, trade the gun in for a newer one, so that you do not have so much work on the same weapon.
Take the patches and cloths and drop them in a Goodwill drop box with some other good clothes. Write them off on your taxes.
Alibis are not necessary unless you have motive. Having one is suspicious.
If you have motive, and the gun is clean but recently fired (with range receipt to prove it), that is your alibi.
“Look officer, I was just sleeping in my house that night. Sure, I have a 45acp; I just fired it down at xxx range. I have a receipt here somewhere. I know it couldn’t have been my gun because it is with me all the time.”
Looking guilty is all most cops need. You are better off to have the gun, even if you don’t buy it through a FFL, the guy that did will tell the cops he sold it to you. You need that gun for your alibi, you just don’t want it to match.
PS Never “surrender” your weapon. Let them know that they can take “temporary custody” of the weapon, but you will want it back, because you have a range appointment. Ask for a receipt of property and make sure the model and s/n is on the receipt.
Disclaimer: I have never tried this, but this is my two bits. Next time, plan it out a bit better. You know that some day the monkeys are coming to get you, and you need that body bag just in case.
Each of us has a Scott Peterson inside that is pragmatic enough to simply
murder the person bonding him to a dreary fate, and then blow it all off
with “I was fishing.”
http://www.scottpetersonfanclub.com/