“Before we start the questions,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced, “I just would like to request that you reporters try and find some other adjectives to describe me with than ‘tubby.'”
“With the death toll from the tsunami likely to hit 150,000, is the Bush administration finally ready to admit that the war in Iraq was a mistake?” a reporter.
Scott just stared back silently in response.
“Bush’s tubby press secretary was rendered speechless by my insightful question,” the reporter said aloud as he wrote in his notepad.
“Okay! That’s it!” Scott shouted angrily, “I put up with your questions about whether Laci Peterson and her child would still be alive if it weren’t for the war in Iraq and whether the Matrix sequels would have been better if we hadn’t ‘rushed to war,’ but now I’m drawing the line. I want some relevant questions.”
“How do you respond to the water god Pochanto saying that the tsunami is in retaliation to Abu Grahib?” another reporter asked.
“Who?” Scott exclaimed, “How do you know that’s not just some crazy guy?”
“It’s not our job as reporters to ‘know,'” the reporter responded indignantly, “It’s our job to say stuff and things to the public.” All the other reporters nodded in agreement.
“Well, even accepting your idiotic premise, the tsunami was caused by an earthquake, so…”
“You admit the Bush administration angered the earth gods then?” one reporter interjected.
“No! There is no relation between the White House policies and the tsunami!”
“Then why weren’t there tsunami during other presidencies, such as the revered Clinton administration?”
“Yeah,” another reporter followed up, “Why won’t Bush ever admit to a mistake and that he has angered the spirits of nature?”
“And how do you respond to the U.N. calling the U.S. stingy in this crisis?”
“How much have you reporters given to help?” Scott challenged.
“It’s not our job to end suffering,” a reporter answered, “It’s just our job to tell people about suffering.” The other reporters nodded in agreement.
Rumsfeld burst through a wall. “Rarr! We will not be stingy with our righteous vengeance!” Rumsfeld yelled as he violently tried to grab the reporters. A chain was holding him back, the end of which was in Chomps’s mouth.
“Please excuse the Secretary of Defense,” Scott said, “He’s been very agitated with reporters since one planted a question with a soldier. Thus, we got Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, to hold him back.”
“Is there any chance that dog will become angry at us instead of the chain he’s holding?”
“Well…”
Chomps stopped violently tugging on the chain to notice the reporters. He then growled, releasing Rumsfeld who shouted “Rarr!” and jumped at the press. Chomps followed suit.
“A whole press conference of reporters was found dead today,” the news anchor announced, “All we’re either mauled, beaten with a chain, or both. Police have no specific suspects but say it was probably the work of an extremist… such as a Christian. All detectives are sure of so far from the evidence collected is that Bush’s Press Secretary is ‘tubby.’ Now stay tuned for a report on how this somewhat senseless slaughter of reporters could have been avoided if it weren’t for President Bush’s rush to war.”
First?
frankie you’re a genius
it’s like watching a press conference without all the smug looks! and the end is so true, those Christian extremists!
Good ole Chomps.
Welcome back Frank.
You know, I wish Chomps would get angry at all the jokers yelling, “FIRST!”
I certainly hope Chomps will not swallow Miss Beazley the new Scottie puppy when she arrives later this month at the White House. Surely chomps will protect her from the evil Puppy Blender, too. We can only hope so.
LOL! That is too funny!! It is good to have Frank J. back. ah, that funny hit the spot. Happy New Year!
“Rarr! We will not be stingy with our righteous vengeance!”
ROFLMBO!!!!!
…you know, I think the NBC Fall lineup of shows is tanking because of Bush’s rush to war…
Damn dirty reporters
That’s not fair, Frank. The reporters are not that limited. They have plenty of other stupid things to say.
God, I missed Rummy and Chomps. It’s great to have you back, Frank J.
I think the real question is: what would happen if Glenn Reynolds tried to blend Chomps?
Can Chomps make a trip to the San Francisco Chronicle‘s offices? Please?
Is it just part of the joke that Scott McClellan’s name is now Scott McCollum?
Brilliant, as usual, FrankJ dear. A box of Snickers brownies is on its way.
Ahhh. That felt good!!
who gives a rats ass what the … Okay, bitch slap following Now!!!! Okay, so have not had time to read the whole imw, etc… and i am female and pms..iey(okay, emphasis on pms! and yeay rummy! I should get some rest now… g’night… & neverming my vengance is my woman scorned self-thingy (am I evil or what?)
I think the real question is: what would happen if Glenn Reynolds tried to blend Chomps?
Chomps would chew through the Plexiglass. Assuming Glenn could figure out a way to get him in the blender in the first place.
LOL!! Another great one Frank!
This is great- Frank is back and Rush is back too! What an awesome day.
And Glenn is back! His stand in wasn’t nearly as good as Roger Hedgecock. I heart Roger Hedgecock. Too bad I can only hear him when Rush is on vacation.
Elam,
D’oh!
Every time Rummy yells “Rarrr!!!”, it warms my heart. :o)
Welcome back, Frank!
Very Funny FrankJ. Your righthandman/rightwingduck is very funny too. He did a great job while you were gone…wait…i’m not speaking to you…you are taking my grandcat away…bully! not to mention my lunch partner and hiking buddy sarahk…what is chomp’s phone number?
It’s great to have you back Frank. Good as your guest bloggers were, I still suffered from withdrawal symptoms.
Ah, nothing cures a case of the Mondays like Rummy and Chomps mauling hordes of malcontent reporters. : )
I think Rummy and Chomps need to go to that Tenessee paper where that reporter is from that staged the question.
Frank,
I think its funnier to call him McCollum.
Or maybe McChicken Sandwich?
Yeah, Frank, what edgr said – no more crappy guest bloggers!
I didn’t know Chomps was Christian.