Evil Glenn – Substitute Teacher
(A Filthy Lie)
8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day…
(see extended entry)

GLENN: Good morning class. Your regular teacher, Ms. Biddy, looked at me like a hobo when she passed me in the hall yesterday, so I murdered her. Now, because UT professors all have a “Santa Clause” in their contracts, that means I have to teach her Women’s History class today. Unfortunately, I had a few too many puppy-coladas last night, so I’m not at my peak. If you have any questions, please whisper them now and then shut the hell up… Yes… you in the “Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle” T-shirt.
FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You’re a man. You can’t possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.
GLENN: Excellent question – if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I’m part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase “barefoot & pregnant”… which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if’n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton…
FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.
GLENN: No name calling… anyway, I’m keeping my opinions to myself today. I’ve gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today’s lecture – www.miss-ogyny.com – and I believe that’s the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto “Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?”… Or it might be her sister… I don’t know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while…. The point is, everything I’m going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.
FISH GIRL: But you’re a man – and therefore evil!
GLENN: A – shrill again, B – my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today’s lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I’m as in touch with my feminine side as I’m going to get…. Now… any more questions? Preferably quiet ones…
FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?
GLENN: Yes it will. And I’ll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you’ll be able to pass the test easily. Except I’m going to flunk you out of spite because you’re prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.
Now – to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY
* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.
* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam’s punishment was having to put up with Eve’s mood swings.
* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.
* Ok, Mary’s pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that – ZIPPO!
* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.
* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a “Hot Babes in Armor” competition.
* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.
* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as “The Proper Woman’s Guide to Marital Submission” and “Honey, It Wouldn’t Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds”.
* 1881 – Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.
* 1916 – Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying “AYE” or “NAY” instead of using belching contests.
* 1924 – Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making “YEE-HAW!” the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.
* 1935 – Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel “Debbie Does Dallas”.
* 1947 – Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense – a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.
* 1981 – Sandra Day O’Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.
* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.
GLENN: Ok, that’s the lesson. Any questions?
FISH GIRL: That’s the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I’ve ever heard anyone spout!… Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You’re a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?
GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?
FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how ’bout I stop by your office after class for a little… “extra credit”?
GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?
FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.
GLENN: … WELL!… I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there’s no reason that every one of you can’t accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!