SENATOR BIDEN: We’ll now bring in the next witness to testify about John Bolton’s behavior. Will you please identify yourself.
AGENT JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, and I work for CTU in Los Angeles.
BIDEN: And you have met with John Bolton before?
BAUER: I have encountered him on numerous occasions. Most were not noteworthy, but one sticks in my mind. I’ll try to describe the events to you as they occurred in real time. I had detained a suspect and was in the middle of breaking his fingers to get information out of him…
SENATORETTE BARBARA BOXER: This was allowed under the Patriot Act?
BAUER: The what?
BIDEN: Never mind; go on.
BAUER: As I was in the middle of questioning the suspect, John Bolton approached me and spoke to me in a very angry manner.
BOXER: Did he raise his voice at you?
BAUER: No, but it was obvious he was angry from… well… his mannerisms.
BIDEN: Such as…
BAUER: Well… he had his hands on his hips. He looked angry.
BIDEN: And what happened next?
BAUER: I just couldn’t take it. I was so distraught that I went home and took the rest of the day off, leaving my suspect handcuffed to a radiator.
BOXER: Talking to subordinates in such a way! This is unbelievable! How can we release this loose cannon on the U.N.?
BIDEN: Let’s have our next witness. Could you please state your name and occupation, miss.
AGENT SYDNEY BRISTOW: My name is Sydney Bristow. I used to work for SD6, a terrorist organization that I was fooled into believing was part of the CIA. Then I actually worked for the CIA and helped bring down SD6 from the inside. I continued as an agent for the CIA until I woke up in Hong Kong and couldn’t remember the past two years. Then…
BIDEN: Excuse me, but we don’t need your life story. Suffice to say you are an intelligence agent, and you had encountered John Bolton before.
BRISTOW: Yes, on one occasion. During my career, I have been shot, beaten, betrayed by my own mother, but nothing compares (sobbing) to John Bolton. (continues sobbing)
BOXER: Take your time, but please tell us the story.
BRISTOW: I was tasked to retrieve an artifact in Burma. Things went wrong, though, and the mission was a failure. I retreated to my hotel where I ran into John Bolton in the hallway. He demanded answers from me, and I was not in the mood so I started to walk away. That’s when he (sobbing) –when he chased me and… and… threw things at me.
BOXER: Outrageous!
BIDEN: What did he throw?
BRISTOW: I… I… don’t quite remember it all. A plastic file folder hit in me in the face… that I’m sure of.
BIDEN: Were you injured?
BRISTOW: I was startled. (sobbing) I can’t talk about this anymore…
BOXER: We understand.
BRISTOW: Let’s call the next witness. What is your name, sir?
MI6 AGENT JAMES BOND: Bond… James Bond. Agent 007… license to kill. I work for MI6 in London.
BIDEN: And you have often shared intelligence with America?
BOND: Yes, I have many times worked with the Americans.
BIDEN: And one of those times involved John Bolton?
BOND: Correct. I’ll never forget that ‘stache. We were meeting in a bar to talk about an incident that both our governments were working on, and he offered to get drinks. I asked for a martini… shaken, not stirred. He soon returned with the drinks. Once I took a sip of the martini, it was apparent that it was prepared by… stirring.
BOXER: Unbelievable!
BOND: Now, usually a bartender will prepare a martini by shaking even if you don’t ask, so he most likely asked for it to be stirred just to slight me!
BIDEN: If Bolton treats foreign agents in such a manner, how can we expect him to work with the U.N.? So, Mr. Bond, what was the direct result of this? …Bond? …Bond? …Mr. Bond, could you please stop trying to seduce Agent Bristow for a moment and finish describing the incident?
BOND: Oh, yes, certainly. Needless to say, I was unable to finish my drink. My feelings were so hurt by what he had done that I ran to my hotel room, curled up in a fetal position on my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. Afterwards, I cheered myself up by making love to three beautiful women.
BOXER: Understandable.
BIDEN: Mr. Bolton, do you have a response to any of the atrocities these intelligence agents have detailed?
JOHN BOLTON: @#$% you all and @#$% the U.N. So when do I start?
OMG, I R teh 1st LOLOLOL
(Machinegun fire)
Okay, he’s dead.
Hey, I posted before the evil prom-dress spambot!
“This was allowed under the Patriot Act?”
“The what?”
HAHA!
-P.S.- Which James Bond? Sean Connery? Pierce Brosnan? One of those other guys?
Great stuff! LOL funny!
Very Funny … I have heard Jason Bourne has had encounters with Bolton. Rumor has it the only vivid memory Bourne has intact is of Bolton questioning him over his holiday leave. Has Jack Ryan been contacted yet. I bet he has info on Bolton. Perphaps congress should hold a seance and question Sidney Riley “the ace of spies”.
There has only been one real James Bond … it must have been Sean Connery
What? No Jason Bourne?
Biden, Boxer, Bauer, Bristow, Bond, Bolton.
Hmmmm. I see a trend here.
Hey, wait! There’s Bush too!
Egads! Clearly the man’s a monster!
jonag nice use of ‘Egads’! That’s a word that is regretfully underutilized. Its just sooo fun to say!
ROFLMAO!!!!!
holy cow that was great. Bower was the best!!!
I could just hear the overly calm voice from the begining of the show….”events occur in real time”……..
Great original post Frank!
Adam
Tonight, on 24:
Jack Bauer kicks a guy…
You’ll have to see it to believe it!
SENATOR BIDEN: Agent Powers, could you tell the committee about your experience with Mr. Bolton?
AUSTIN POWERS: Yeah….ba-beee. It was London, 1972, and I saw this Yank bloak with this 70’s hair and mustache, which, oddly enough he is still sporting, and I thought, what a weird looking unshaggable guy, and Mrs. Kennsington agreed, of course…….
BIDEN: Agent Powers, that is all well and good, but what did Mr. Bolton…..I assume that is who you are describing….what did he DO?
AUSTIN POWERS: Well, he didn’t notice Mrs. Kennsington.
BIDEN: And?
AUSTIN POWERS: Well, man, have you SEEN Mrs. Kennsington? What kind of unsuave cold bastard wouldn’t notice Mrs. Kennsington? And he was supposed to be in intelligence? I believe it speaks for itself.
you are right on man … how could we have forgotten Austin Powers.
groooovy comment
lol!
This is off topic, but look – Victor Davis Hanson at NRO is channeling Frank!
“…that bin Laden and Mullah Omar are in hiding, Saddam in chains, Dr. Khan exposed, the young Assad panicking, and Colonel Khadafi on better behavior will slowly teach others the wages of their killing and terrorism and that the United States is as unpredictable in using force as it is constant in supporting democratic reformers.”
I’ll be watching him for hostile references to the suspicious body obiting earth know commonly as the “moon”.
Ahhhhhhhhahahahahahaha!
great stuff!
Really funny stuff, Frank! Wonder when the IRS will show up at your door?
Hey, wonder if Dan Ackeroyd and Chevy Chase from their spy movie ever ran into Bolton…
On a slightly different topic, did everyone see last week’s 24? They allied Amnesty International with the terrorists! Course those of us in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy already knew about this unholy alliance, but it’s still pretty great!
I’m proud to say that we in California have not one, but two, senatorettes. Just like Massachusetts.