Since Howard Dean seems so intent on making statements to alienate everyone from the Democrat Party, I thought I’d be my usual helpful self and give him some new statements to help specifically insult everyone and everything:
Stay at Home Moms
“Then there are the few women who vote Republican, pretending that staying home to take care of kids is noble just because they’re too dumb to get real jobs.”
Gun Owners and Blacks
“The reason Republicans support the NRA is because they desire to be nothing more than gun toting thugs – no offense to the African-American members of the audience who I know only carrry guns because of the harsh reality of gang life.”
Latinos
“The Republicans try to pander to you people with immigrations laws, but we Democrats give you what you really want – burritos and chimichangas. You eato. You el likey very mucho.”
Hillbillies
“I just want to tell the people of West Virginia not to be threatened by gay marriage. It will open the way to you being able to marry your sisters like you so desire.”
Italians and Union Workers
“I can see we have some Italians in the audience. I applaud you for how you use unorthodox methods to keep the unions together, and I know union workers support the mafia and all its activities in return.”
The College Educated and Homosexuals
“The Republicans think they are so great, prancing around with their college degrees like a bunch of fags.”
Monotremes
“The Republicans are out of touch and out of the mainstream like those freak platypuses that lay eggs when everyone else is having live births.”
Amphibians
“They [the Republicans] try to say we’re wishy-washy, but they’re the ones always changing positions. It’s like how a tadpole breathes through gills and then, suddenly, it’s a frog breathing through its lungs. Make up your mind, you reject of the animal kingdom!”
Noble Gases
“Republicans just won’t work with anyone; they’re like how Argon won’t chemically combine with anything else. Can that be anymore useless?”
God
“Those Republicans just can’t get anything right! They mess things up more because they just don’t really care! It’s like whoever made the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter equal 3.14 something. If He just put more time into it, it could equal exactly three, but He didn’t care!”
Rational People
“Yeargh!”
You forgot teachers: “I know that the reason you are teaching is because you can’t compete in an open market that is why you have to vote democrat or else the republicans will actually expect you to work and produce.”
Please add results after produce
take that jimmyb
Awesome.
Hey!
I thought it was Dr. Phat Tony.
Dang it!
I wonder if Dean would ever say anythin that would alienate Aquaman….
I’m not feeling particularly creative right now, but I’m sure someone else is.
very funny, sweetie.
Great job, Frank. You nailed that moron. Still, he’s the best thing to happen to GOP fund raising in a long time 😉
Jews: “I really admire the fact that you vote Democratic while your international conspiracy still dictates foreign policy to Republican Presidents.”
Jews only vote Democratic to throw everyone off the trail. That is how truly crafty they are. If they all voted Republican then everyone would know about the Great Jewish Conspiracy to Take Over the World.
Karl Rove told them, way back before he was born, that they needed to start voting Democratic so only the paranoid nuts would guess their true intentions.
Of course that is true of every non-white non-Christian group that votes Republican too. They are only voting Republican to confuse people of their true intentions.
I estimate that maybe, 27 to 63 people, I’d say 90, tops, actually voted for who they really wanted to win. The rest were just doing the voter version of a “head fake”.
Howard Dean Breakfast Sausage,
YEEARGH!
Aquaman must vote Democratic since he is a HOMO and everyone knows that HOMOS vote 100% Democratic!
Yo reado. Yo el laffy very mucho.
That’s the Spanish I learned in college. I didn’t finish because college grads are all queer.
Aquaman: “Republicans like to fish. Fish have feelings. They are like our pets in the world’s bodies of water. You wouldn’t hook your dog in the mouth, would you? No, we love our dogs, heck, sometimes we even talk to them. Of course, we don’t talk to fish because you would have to be totally batsh*t to do that, heh heh.”
Hey, you are not just picking on platypusses with that nastiness about monotremes you know. What about the poor echidnas, hey? Spending their life sticking their beak into ant’s nests probably means they are more likely to lean left – as in sticking their nose into where it is not wanted!
Well, that was freaking awesome. By that I mean it was awesome, in a freaking kind of way. In other word, BWAH.
And you included noble gases and monotremes? Awesome.
You could include those weirdo mycoplasmas and ureaplasmas because they rudely refuse to be classified as either bacteria or viruses. So bacteria, viruses, and those in-betweens could be offended with one statement, I think. Except that they don’t vote, they can’t pick up a pencil.
Also, please note that Kentuckians are the inbreeders, not West Virginians. West Virginians are the ones with 82 dogs, various parts from 15 cars scattered about on the front lawn, and three teeth. I mean, per family, of course.
Just to clear that up.
Kim,
You forget, bacteria, viruses, and mycoplasmas do vote democratic, but only after they’re dead
Frank – not to pick nits, but “likey” is Chinese.
The word you want is “el like-o”.
Or “la like-a” if you’re talking about slutty cheerleaders.