(for Lynn)
HuffPo’s token Righty, Greg Gutfield, posted a list of things that Democrats secretly fear. Lots of good stuff there, like:
Fear that even if the democrats win the 08 election, Europeans will still look down on us and Muslims will still want to kill us.
Fear that capitalism actually works better than any other economic system
Fear that America really is the freest country in the world
Fear that going it alone when you think you’re right is more moral than trying to build a coalition with dictators, thieves and cowards.
The comments to Greg’s post were laced with typical leftist insanity, BDS, and wishes for Greg’s swift-yet-painful death. But nobody did a list for Republicans.
Geez, how many times do I have to do the heavy lifting for these losers?
So here’s a list of things Republicans fear, as I would imagine that a short-sighted, logic-impaired, humor-tarded liberal might write them while maintaining a straight face (albeit one almost literally glowing with smug, self-satisfied hubris):
- Fear that if the Democrats win the 08 election and America pulls out of Iraq, Europeans might respect us again and Muslims will no longer have a good reason to kill us.
- Fear that socialized medicine will NOT completely destroy capitalism like Republican doomsayers keep bleating.
- Fear that America could actually take lessons in freedom from countries that don’t torture or execute their citizens.
- Fear that the puppets America’s installed in the Iraqi government will eventually bite the hand that feeds them, just like Saddam, and just like Osama, who both used to be our pals but didn’t stay bought.
- Fear that your “innocent jokes” reveal your true racist nature.
- Fear that no one’s buying your jingoistic propaganda any more.
- Fear that it isn’t possible to get your piece of the American dream because the playing field really ISN’T level.
- Fear that there are actually things the government can do to level the playing field.
- Fear that when people “speak truth to power”, YOU’RE the one they’re talking to, and that you ought to listen.
- Fear that Fox isn’t fair and balanced.
- Fear that Dan Rather’s memos were real.
- Fear that Clinton’s impeachment was a substanceless case of political grandstanding.
- Fear that an impeachment case against Bush wouldn’t be.
- Fear that school voucher programs would hurt the children who couldn’t afford to use them.
- Fear that the reality-based community really is.
- Fear that you’re only echoing Republican talking points, and have no original thoughts of your own.
- Fear that the Palestinians have good reasons to fight against Israel.
- Fear that gay marriage is less of a threat to the institution than heterosexual abuse and adultery.
- Fear that enforcing cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all educational standards will not do anything to get at-risk students the help they need, even though they make you feel better.
- Fear that Communism can’t be as bad as Joe McCarthy & Ronald Reagan told you it was, as proven by the fact that the Chinese economy is growing three times faster than America’s.
- Fear that, by laughing at Al Gore, you’re giving a death sentence to your children and your children’s children.
- Fear that oil doesn’t necessarily have to be the world’s main source of energy.
- Fear that oil isn’t something that innocent people have to die for.
And yes, I know this list isn’t funny. I said I was writing like a Democrat, didn’t I?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a long, long shower.
I dunno, Harvey. It was almost funnier than Gutfield’s simply because there are absent minded liberals who actually believe that crap.
Pretty scary how you dare delve into their conciousness that far… you might want to use a pumice soap in that shower.
SeanS is right,use plenty of soap.
This is what’s called “aiding and abetting”…
You are not of The Body…
“Fear that, by laughing at Al Gore, you’re giving a death sentence to your children and your children’s children.”
Wouldn’t the death of your children preclude them from having kids?
Harvey, Be sure to use a brillo pad with the pumice soap, you may have delved to deep into the dark side with this one.
To Brain – Why would you expect a liberal’s view of what a conservative would be afraid of to be anywhere close to logical?
the Brain – The mere existence of a contradiction does not prove that one is “wrong”. You’re sooooo hung up on your racist, patriarchal “logic”… there are MANY ways of knowing, and no one way is “better” or “worse” than another.
…Geez, I gotta shower again…
Might need a belt-sander after that last comment…
Fear that Harvey can put out better lefty “humor” than all the fine folks at Sadly No!
One question, was this post satire or parody? I can never figure that out.
I think the term is “accuracy” 🙂
What we fear most is Laurence hiding a Harvey shower cam and not blinding ourselves before going to IMAO.
Fear that guns really don’t need people pointing them to kill children in the street.
Fear that 9/11 really was a plot by Halibushton to pass laws against killing 3,000 people and make flying a giant hassle, so they could rule the world for 1,000 years.
Fear that lesbians look more like Rosie O’Donnell than Ellen Degeneres.
…..
Yuck. I was doing so well, too, until that last one. Now I need to purge. Somebody pass the Ipecac.
I’m very surprised that the trollery isn’t here to back all those statements with more “facts”.
I read that list by Gutfeld last year & saved it. I love quoting from it to liberal acquaintances who spout the same drivel that they might actually, secretly have doubts about, but would never admit it to a Conserverative & ESPECIALLY not to a liberal comrade.
You know, for fear of being accused of independant thought by the Right, or being tagged as an accomplice to the “Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy(tm)” by the Left.
“* Fear that socialized medicine will NOT completely destroy capitalism like Republican doomsayers keep bleating.”
Why you americans are so freakin’ proud of spending in health insurances two or three times the money we europeans spend on healthcare?
I think that every country has its culture and peculiarities and introducing universal healthcare in the States would be just as pointless as introducing the american system in France, Italy or Sweden, but I also think that Schwartzy is making some interesting proposal for California (or is he also euro-trash to you?).
Mmmm…churros…