There’s pretty nothing happening in the news right now as evidenced by Don Imus being the big story. That’s who my old man listens and thinks is edgy. Usually, Don Imus could murder someone and barely make the entertainment news, so there basically has to be nothing at all happening for him to be a lead story.
So, the world is failing IMAO by not providing us with noteworthy events to react to. Thus, I’m forced to make up my own interesting news and react to it.
TODAY’S NEWS
* Rudy Giuilani beat a hobo to death with a tire iron. People are trying to make this an issue about Rudy’s anger and acting like he committed some great crime, but this is just a made up controversy. The facts are that the hobo spit on Rudy; this was not some unprovoked assault. Also, the hobo has no family and will be mourned by no one, so who was hurt here?

Honestly, if I had to participate in the Democratic Presidential Primary, it would probably get my vote.

* New Democratic Presidential candidate, a Giorgio Armani suit on a headless mannequin, sails past Barack Obama in the polls. I really don’t know what to say here. The three piece suit doesn’t have any record of accomplishments to justify it’s momentum in this presidential race, but at the same time, what can I criticize about it? It’s an Armani.
* Iranian President Ahmadinejad revealed to be only two feet tall. Usually, the Iranian press is careful to photograph Ahmadinejad so that he appears about normal size, but a photo leaked of Ahmadinejad standing next to a squirrel. If it is a regular squirrel and not some giant mutant nuclear squirrel that it’s rumored Iranian scientists are working on, then Ahmadinejad is approximately two feet tall. Reportedly, the mullahs who run Iran keep Ahmadinejad in a sock drawer and pull him out when they need some announcements made.
* Al Gore gets tongue stuck to a flagpole during a global warming conference. As funny as it is every time Gore’s conferences are met with winter storms, that’s merely anecdotal evidence and doesn’t prove anything. Still, Gore licking a flagpole to make some point on climate change is yet another demonstration of his poor judgment and why he’s really not a good source for information on this issue.
* John Edwards puts on a dress and french kisses Markos ZË™niga. Though Markos later fixed the typo on DailyKos so that the post told Edwards to “be his own man” instead of to “be his woman,” Markos still said that Edwards attempt to blindly follow whatever the Netroots demanded showed “true leadership.” In my opinion, Edwards would make a much more attractive woman than Hillary.
* John McCain ridicules conservatives at his event and then has staffers hold them down while he pees on their face. Afterwards, he wondered aloud why those conservatives aren’t backing him even though he supports the war. When the conservatives tried to respond, McCain had them arrested since he considered their speech to be an illegal campaign contribution as outlined by the McCain-Feingold Act. McCain’s candidacy just hasn’t been gaining steam, and I can’t quite put my middle finger on the reason.
* Sanjaya Malakar poisoned, shot, hung, and then thrown in river but still shows up next day to sing off key on American Idol. Once again, he wasn’t even in the bottom three despite his new hairstyle being denounced by the pope as an “offense to God.” Sorry, people, there’s no getting rid of him.
* Peace and democracy brought to Iraq; Reuters news report refers to this as “dark sign of things to come.” Report emphasizes that, since all insurgents have been brought to justice and all order is restored, “things can only get worse for Iraq.” They quote experts who say that “the only thing worse than bombs going is bombs not going off, as one can only assume that means the bombers are currently plotting even more deadly bombs.” The Reuters story also makes note of how all the puppies and kittens playing in the streets of Baghdad are a “black omen” of an “almost certain disaster yet awaiting Iraq.” I’m beginning to think that Reuters may be a bit biased, but “no news is good news” as they say… though I think they meant something different by it.
* Fred Thompson goes to beach for the weekend; while there, he accepts the surrender of a Russian sub. He was just wanting to relax with his wife, so it must have been a bit annoying for a submarine to sail up next to him with the entire crew exiting with their hands up. Luckily, he is experienced with that sort of situation. Fred Thompson is expected to keep the sub in his backyard next to the Russian tank that surrendered to him which he shook his fist at it.
* A man materialized in a ball of lightning in the middle of a campaign event. He said he is from the future and warned us not to elect Hillary Clinton. Really? You’ve advanced so far in the future that you’ve finally figured out what most Americans know now: Don’t vote for Hillary. Why don’t you stick to the problems of your epoch and we’ll take care of ours. Anyway, how bad can your future be if you have a time machine — something today’s scientists are pretty sure isn’t even scientifically possible? If someone from the future is reading this blog archive, please bring us schematics for a cold fusion generator instead of your political opinion.