innominatus

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s innominatus.

What’s the story behind your name? As a college student in the ’80s (remember 9600 baud modems?), there was a primitive online game called Empire (kinda like a more complicated Risk) and I needed a screen name. Innominatus is a variant of a latin word that pretty much means “having no name.” I liked the irony and that it sounded vaguely sinister. Didn’t keep me from getting whupped in the game, tho.
Where do you live? Corvallis, OR. Land of Oregon State University Beavers and lots of pock-marked liberals.
How old are you? 38 – just barely old enough to say I lived in the ’60s, but I was a commie-chasin’ Reagan fan all through high school.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m a nationalist Christian social-con with an occasional libertarian streak.. Married 5 years, 4 stepkids. Two big dogs. I like fast old cars, fast new computers and shiny new guns. Unfortunately my wages don’t allow me to indulge in any of those things very much.
How long have you been reading IMAO? About a year, but I’ve read enough of the archives to feel like an old-timer.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? Favorite categories are IMW and I Hate Frank. Specific posts include the IMW where Barney Frank is asked if he is gay or retarded and replies “I can be both.” That triggered convulsive laughter. There was also a Guide to Spooky Creatures that suggested the best was to deal with a vampire is to screw with his alarm clock. I still laugh at that months later.
If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? WOLVERINES! (then it echoes two more times)
What’s your favorite political issue? 2nd amendment stuff had been quiet for a quite a while, but now it is time to see what the SCOTUS has to say. This is a big deal for me. Border security/illegal immigration is right up there, too.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, but I dunno if it really “counts” since I only post new blog updates about once a month. Some of the humor attempts turned out pretty good, (me, biased?) including a IMW inspired story, but the humor muse just doesn’t visit as often as I thought she would. Go there and tell me how great I am, maybe it will help.
How should we pick a presidential candidate?
Follow these steps precisely:
1. Exclude Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich.
2. Give each candidate a tacobell spork; allow each candidate 5 minutes to sharpen the spork by grinding it on the sidewalk.
3. Assign a random Gitmo detainee to each candidate.
4. Throw each candidate, one-by-one, into a Thunderdome-like arena along with his/her Gitmo detainee opponent.
5. Time how long it takes each candidate to disembowel his/her opponent. Winner is declared based on fastest time and artistic merit (1-10 scale, three judges, averaged). Democrats would probably talk too long to be competitive, so I think this system should be put into use right away.
; begin function(kobayashi maru) [? -Ed.]
What liberal do you most want to punch in his dumb monkey face? I think I’ll have to go with Al Franken, ‘cuz he’s about as monkey-faced as MFLs ever get. He is so monkey-faced, all he’d have to do is let his beard grow out for a few days and he could cameo in a Geico caveman commercial.
If you had Superman’s heat vision, how often would you use it? If it would cauterize Nancy Pelosi’s mouth shut, I guess I’d only need it once. But if the Northeast has an unusually cold winter, I’d glare at Ted Kennedy for a while and see if I can get any of that human lard to combust – it would really cut down on regional demand for heating oil.
Do you ever wish you could control fire with your mind? All the time. Especially when our flag is being torched by some “activists.” Flag burning would drop in popularity right away. “Gaah! Burning flag attacking me! (sizzling sound in background.)”
If you could shoot a powerful beam out your eyes, do you think you could find the spare time to fight evil? Dunno – been pretty busy reading IMAO lately. I suppose I could fly around in a Blackhawk and use my eye-beams like a doorgunner. That’d be worth it.
If you could wish one politician away to the cornfield, who would it be? Al Sharpton ran for Prez, so I guess he’s a politician. Make him go away, please.
Why do you think liberals’ faces resemble those of monkeys? I’ve been told that HIV first arose in African monkeys decades ago, and was transmitted to humans when a human did some “naughty things” with said monkey. Guess the monkey had not been taught how to use contraception. Either that or liberals are born normal looking, and gradually become more monkey-faced as the schoolyard beatings start to take a toll on their little skulls.
What do you recommend should be government policy on monkeys? Tell the monkeys that Fidel Castro is giving out free socialist peanuts to all monkeys. When the hungry monkeys dogpile Fidel, we should drop a MOAB on the whole heap. (MOAB=Monkeys On A**hole Bomb)
If you could control the creatures of the sea with your mind, what would you do? I’d have dolphins and sharks swim upriver to Chappaquiddick. The dolphins to save MaryJo and the sharks to dine on Ted.
Name one use for a liberal. Object of ridicule.
If you saw a monkey faced liberal but had your hands tied behind your back, what would you do? I’d say “Hey, MFL, look at that piece of litter on the ground! I think it’s recyclable!” When he bends over to pick it up I’d knee him in the throat and laugh as he writhes in agony.
If you could fire liberals out of a cannon, what would fire them at? Those giant windmills that are used for generating electricity. If you time it right, those giant spinning fan blades will really mess up a liberal as he flies by.
When I draw liberals, I always imagine them wearing pointy hats. Why is that? Liberals spend a lot of time with their heads up their you-know-whats. I think the pointy hat is helpful in some way, but I’m reluctant to think too much more about it.
What’s your least favorite type of whale? Rosanne Barr.
Do you think liberals secretly want to be punched? When I feel like punching a liberal, their wants are pretty much irrelevant.
If you could grow to fifty times your normal size, what would you do with that power? I’d challenge fartbreath himself, Michael Moore, to a Sumo to the Death contest. If I win, him and Olberman and Huffington and Kos and that whole crew have to move to North Korea and never be heard from again. If I lose, then all the talk radio and rightwing blog heroes have to move to The Hague and scrub toilets at the Internation Court for the rest of their lives. It would be a rumble for the ages. Now, I’m aware that based on sheer tonnage, me times 50 is still a lot less than Michael Moore, but I’m confident my speed and agility advantages would more than make up for it.
How would you introduce the president of Iran if he were giving a speech at your college? I’d give him a real “Bang” of an introduction. I think .357 magnum is about loud enough.
Juggling: What’s the point of it? In case the funny clothes and jester hat don’t give it away, juggling is a supplemental warning to passers-by that they are in unsafe proximity to someone who is Profoundly Gay.
What is it about Islamic terrorists that liberals like so much? Osama bin Laden has been in that cave a long time without running water. I’ve heard that his body odor smells a lot like Patchouli.
If Rose O’Donnell get her own show, what channel do you think it should be on? I don’t think Rosie’s fat ass would fit on just one channel.
;end function(kobayashi maru)

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you’re still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you’re interesting doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy your story.