“We’re doing air strikes on Somalia!” President Bush exclaimed as he sat down in front of his TV.
“I noticed,” Tony Snow said. “You believe you saw al Qaeda there, correct?”
Bush shrugged. “We thought we saw something there. Hey, know what, Tony? I can do air strikes without congressional approval. I was thinking that, with the new Democrat Congress, I should focus on things that don’t require congressional approval like bombing the crap out of stuff. Know what also doesn’t require congressional approval?” Bush opened a bag of chips. “Eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting!” He ate his chips while watching footage of the air strikes.
“Not to disturb you from your exercise of Executive power,” Tony said, “but have you worked on your State of the Union Address?”
“Bah. Everyone will be too distracted by Pelosi’s plastered on face leering over my shoulder to hear anything I say.”

“Let’s begin the new era of Democratic leadership!” Nancy Pelosi announced to the House. “As you can see, I’m surrounded by my grandchildren, because I’m not only the Speaker, I’m a grandmother.”
“What’s their names?” a Republican asked.
Pelosi was quiet for a moment as she looked over the children. “Uh… this isn’t about me.”
“And they’re awfully quiet. I’m just taking a guess here, but did you cut out their tongues because they were noisy?”
“No more questions! On to business!” Pelosi banged her gavel. “Now, on to the most important issue facing this country!”
“You guys are actually going to do something about terrorism?” a Republican asked skeptically.
The Democrats laughed. “I was talking about the minimum wage,” Pelosi said. “The American people sent a message this past election, and that message was that they wanted their government to pretend there is no terrorist problem and instead focus on inane crap and entitlements… and who better to do that than we Democrats?”
“Can we make the minimum wage thirty dollars… but exempt congressman’s chauffeurs from it?” one Democrat asked.
“That’s a great idea!” Pelosi answered.
“I’d just like to point out that it looks like there are some Islamic terrorists in this room right now plotting something,” a Republican said and pointed to a group of Muslims fiddling with what looked like a bomb.
Pelosi sighed. “I know you Republicans want to distract us with your fears of ‘terrorism,’ but we are only going to focus on real issues that help real Americans.”
“Can we have a bill giving everyone free candy?” a Democratic asked.
“Another great idea from the Democrats!” Pelosi exclaimed. “This is going to be such a productive first one hundred hours! Now, let’s open the floor to candy suggestions.”
“I really think those guys are working on a bomb to kill us all and that we should probably do something about it,” said another Republican. “Can we stop them and talk about free candy later.”
“Republican scare tactic!” screamed a Democrat. “They’re trying to derail our agenda with their scare tactics about terrorism! Republican scare tactic!”
One of the terrorists fired an AK-47, hitting the Democrat. “Whoops, my bad,” the terrorist said. “His yelling scared me.”
The fatally wounded Democrat fell to the floor. “I want… people to know… that my death… was nothing but a Republican scare tactic…”
Pelosi looked down at him. “Well, he’s dead. I knew this majority was going to be hard to keep together.”
“If we’re not going to do something about the terrorists, can we at least do something about illegal immigration?” a Republican asked. “It looks like about a third of the House has been taken over by them, and one of them tried to stab me.”
Pelosi scowled at him. “Why do you hate brown people?”
The Republican thought for a moment. “Well, first off, they have shifty eyes. Second…”
“No no!” another Republican whispered to him. “That was a rhetorical question to accuse you of racism! Don’t answer it!”
“I have another item for our agenda,” Barney Frank said. “We should pass a resolution condemning Bush for his ethnic cleansing of Somalia. Obviously, the point of these air strikes is to get all the black people out of Somalia! Next, I bet he’ll blow up their levees. If we–”
“Point of order,” a Republican interrupted. “Is Barney Frank gay or retarded?”
“I can be both!”
Pelosi banged her gavel. “Let’s go back to the matter at hand: free candy. Now, if we cut funding for Bush’s war in Iraq, I think we can get every American a Snickers bar. Other options are…” One of the terrorists walked up to Pelosi, and she stared back at him. “What? This better be important because we were talking about free candy!”
He whispered in her ear.
“Fine.” Pelosi turned back to face the House. “Anyone have spare wire cutters?”