Archive of entries posted on September 2009

Random Thoughts

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I think a lot of the anger from conservatives directed at Obama might be because Obama is from the opposite party and is president.

“Wow! Conservatives haven’t been this riled up since the last time the president was a Democrat. It must be because he’s black.”

How do you tell a real racist from someone falsely accused of racism? Real racists will bite you.

I think Obama’s been on camera more than the star of the Truman Show.

Yes, if a racist bites you you become one.

In the future, hopefully ACORN employees will be more cautious of which pimps they confess their murders to.

I know global warming is real because I once warmed a globe in a lab.

Being a rightwing wackos will always be balanced by need of an actual job. The left can actually find jobs as being wackos, though.

Obama could earn a lot – a lot – more conservative support if he also declared that Jimmy Carter is a jackass. Actually, isn’t the fact that Jimmy Carter is a jackass part of the Republican platform?

Why Are Liberals Still Angry?

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I use my smartness to get to the bottom of that question in my latest Pajamas Media column.

And Now, Four Words From Fred Thompson

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Remember the “Four Words From Obama” post?

I sent it to the Fred Thompson Show, and Fred read his favorites during the Lightning Round on the 9-11-09 show.

I took the liberty of making a little slideshow to go with the audio clip:


[YouTube direct link]

Blu-Ray Advice

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I need a new DVD player, but was thinking of getting a Blu-Ray player. I was kinda hesitant on Blu-Ray since I see media going to disc-less in the future, but I see some of them have internet connections for video streaming from NetFlix and other sources. So what say you my moderately intelligent readers?

Boycott

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A McClatchy Newspapers report out of Washington says that many people have decided they won’t visit South Carolina on account of what Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) said:

State and local tourism officials are being flooded by emails and calls from people across the country, saying they won’t vacation in South Carolina because they’re upset by GOP Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst at President Barack Obama.

The officials said that a number of the out-of-state e-mailers have said they’ve taken beach trips for years in Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head and other South Carolina resort areas, but don’t plan to return.

Now, though I take pride in my Georgia roots, my family is actually not from Georgia; they’re from South Carolina. They didn’t move to Georgia until the late 1790s, 20 years after the Revolutionary War; my ancestors fought against the British as members of the South Carolina militia. So I do have a connection with the Palmetto State.

So, I’m going to weigh in on the whole “Boycott South Carolina” thing.

I’m going to agree with Michelle Malkin that most of the threats are from those that wouldn’t go to South Carolina anyway. I wonder how many are already on record for boycotting South Carolina on account of the “Confederate Flag” (which, if you know your history, was never actually used by the Confederacy — the design is the Confederate Navy Jack while the colors are from the flag of the Army of Northern Virginia — nor is it the Stars and Bars).

I also wonder how many have actually been to South Carolina — other than to drive through on their way to haul drugs from Florida.

And I wouldn’t mind one little bit if Democrats or liberals had nothing whatsoever to do with South Carolina. Or Georgia. Or Alabama. Or Florida. Or Tennessee. Or any of 45 other states.

Imagine all the good that could come out of such a boycott.

Frank Advice for Life

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Always stand strong in the face of adversity. And if that doesn’t scare it away, trying waving your arms and shouting.

Science! Czar

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When I found out Obama has a Science! Czar, I was thinking I would be perfect for it. I am always coming up with great ideas involving Science! like dinosaurs with rocket launchers and robots. Plus, I’m like super smart and want everyone to know how smart I am; that’s pretty much the sine qua non for a liberal (see, I used Latin because I’m smart). Also, I like evolution; that’s how you get X-Men.

As the Science! Czar, I would recommend we respect Science! so as not to anger it and cause it to destroy us as it is wont to do. Science! is often exploding suns and hitting planets with asteroids, so it must be appeased and given proper credit for its wonders.

Also, I will educate people on how to tell real Science! from fake science. Real Science! will have a hologram sticker. Also, real Science! has an exclamation point.

I will also tell people of all the great things made by Science! such beer, lasers, whiffle ball bats, and Tyrannosaurus Rexes. Without Science!, our quarks wouldn’t even stay together and we’d disintegrate. Remember: Anytime you use anything that contains protons, give thanks to almighty Science!

So, President Obama, if you want someone smart and enthusiastic about Science!, consider me, Frank J., for Science! Czar. I am not a Communist, but I do have other qualifications. Also, I do well in circumstances where I have no accountability.

Other People ACORN Has Helped

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The Senate has voted to defund ACORN after it was shown to help a pimp looking for a place for underage prostitutes, but that’s not all the awful people ACORN has helped. Here’s some more I found out about:

* Arsonists looking for something to burn.

* Avowed serial wanting a nice basement.

* Al Qaeda terrorist cell worried about government intrusion.

* Someone wanting a place large enough for a dog-fighting ring.

* Convicted pedophile wanting a place near playgrounds.

* Kanye West.

And of course, they all vote Democrat.

lolterizt! Part 90

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


[reference link]


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From AlanABQ:

From Molly:

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From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

From zappatrust of Say Anything:

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From AlanABQ:

[reference link]

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

Also from Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

From Steve:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Helping Zimbabwe

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Robert Mugabe is trying to get investors to pour money into Zimbabwe’s mines in an effort to turn around its economy. For the record, here’s my simple solution to help Zimbabwe recover:

STEP 1: Build a giant catapult.

STEP 2: Put Mugabe on the catapult.

STEP 3: Fire catapult.

If the Nobel contacts me, I can give them my PO Box where they can send my Nobel Prize for Economics.

Random Thoughts

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All this race stuff is getting silly. We need some sort of national program to blind everybody. I would only get blinded in one eye and be king.

If I were blind, I would become a samurai.

Advantage of lack of coverage of 9/12: People can claim whatever number they want attended and no one is there to contradict them.

I wish I had a handgun that sets people on fire at a distance because sometimes I don’t want to kill people and just want to set them on fire as a warning.

Hurm… what political issue should I pretend to care about today…

I don’t like taxes. Can’t we just have foreigners pay taxes? I don’t like foreigners.

Blogs are nice, but I’m never going to feel like a full-fledged crank unless I publish my own newsletter.

Yay! ACORN has been defunded! I wonder if we should be suspicious though of this new BCORN that just popped up?

I don’t own a copy of Road House; I don’t fell like I can mourn properly. RIP, Swayze. I’ll always remember how you shot Commies.

Frank Advice for Life

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Don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do, whether they be a physicist, a psychiatrist, or a police officer.

Frank Slogan Ideas

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So, SarahK and I started watchin Mad Men on DVD, and I was thinking I would be great at coming up for slogans for stuff (I assume that’s what they do in the show; I haven’t really been paying attention since there isn’t any shooting or explosions). Anyway, here are my first attempts, free of charge to the companies if they want to use them:

FRANK SLOGAN IDEAS

* Hunt’s Ketchup: “When for some reason you can’t get Heinz.”

* Taco Bell: “It’s like Mexican food.”

* Maglite: “Just try bashing in someone’s skull with our competitor’s flashlight.”

* Windows Vista: “The future is..#&..X$E.. Unrecoverable slogan error 0x63F5E1.”

* Arby’s: “It’s like food.”

* RC Cola: “The Switzerland of the cola wars.”

* Spam: “Release your inner hobo.”

* Coors Light: “When you want alcohol and you don’t care what the delivery system is.”

* Toyota Prius: “Still not as gay as riding a bike.”

* Band-Aid: “It’s a brand name, dammit!”

* Coffee-mate: “As seen on Mythbusters.”

* Chips Ahoy!: “Betcha you’ll bite a chip… which will be nice respite from the dry, flavor-less cookie.”

* Bic Pens: “Can never find a pen? Try the @#$% store!”

* Hostess Twinkies: “Expiration Date: When the sun swallows the earth.”

Random Thoughts

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Obama is stupid. When do we get a new president?

Women news anchors? When there’s breaking news she won’t be able to tell us what’s going on because she’ll be crying from the stress.

The stupidest part of the liberal is their brain.

I think the most fundamental principle any liberal has that guides all his political actions is the sincere belief that he’s very smart.

It will be great for Obama after 2010 because then his complaints about Republicans blocking him won’t seem so silly.

More people need to speak out against the earth. We never chose this planet and it’s kinda mindless to pretend we like it so much. One day we’ll find a planet without earthquakes and tsunamis and we’ll all say, “I can’t believe we used to like Earth. It really sucks.”

I think Obama’s biggest problem is that he hasn’t been on TV enough. I’m glad he’s going to remedy that.

In a free society, having the government decide what your kids should know will always make public schools a square peg shoved in a round hole.

I’m fine with my kids getting indoctrinated by Obama as long as they don’t tell my wife they exist.

Liberals are very smart and if you disagree with them they will bite you.

If you ever saw Garofalo talk about politics, it does always look like she’s just on the edge of savagely biting the person nearest.

“I don’t agree with what you say, but I’ll fight to the death for your right to say it. And then I’ll bite you.”

Sometimes I want to beat myself up because I get jealous of how awesome I am.

I heard that during the vetting process Van Jones bit off someone’s finger and that still didn’t disqualify him. Also, he urinated on one of the forms, but no where in the rules does it say you can’t do that.

Maybe we’re overreacting. People just tend to get suspicious of black Vans.

Not only suspicious of Van Jones, but also of Czars Truck Smith, Boat Collins, and Segway McGillicutty. At least Obama didn’t rehire Scooter Libby.

HOLY CRAP! RAINFORESTS ARE WET!!!

Obama Speech: “The time for action is cow! …D’oh, I messed that up!”

Obama Speech: “You can’t trust doctors. They make you pee in a cup and throw it on you. I saw it in a movie.”

Obama Speech: “With my plan, nothing will change for you and your doctor. You will still both be mammals.”

Obama Speech: “What is this ‘FaceBook’? And why do they keep irresponsibly publishing the words of Sarah Palin?”

Great. Now everyone is going to start shouting “Liar!” during Obama’s speeches.

To be clear, no one is disputing that Obama was lying, just that was not the proper way to point it out?

Obama’s health care plan will be deficit neutral because we’re going to steal everything from Canada.

YOU LIE! (sorry; just had this feeling that somewhere Obama was talking)

Is it just me, or does Pelosi actually look less creepy in Joker makeup?

If Tea Party protesters aren’t racist, then how come they’ve only protested black presidents since the stimulus?

Bible Irony Alert: Numbers 12:3. Traditionally, Moses is said to have written the Book of Numbers.

Half the world’s problems are caused by religion. The other half by lack of religion.

POINT OF ORDER: I can think Kanye West is an unbelievable jackass and not be a racist, right? I’m just confused on the rules of criticizing someone who is black (who is not a conservative). Maybe white people do stuff like that all the time at the VMAs and I just don’t notice because of my racism. Also, I never watch the VMAs which would also contribute to lack of notice.

So should we blame Joe Wilson for Serena Williams’s and Kanye West’s outburts? I certainly do. If you start shouting at the president, soon nobody knows when to shut up.

People are right; it’s Bush’s fault. If he just had his secret police open fire on protesters, we wouldn’t have these problems today.

NEW POINT OF ORDER: Am I a racist if I get concerned if Obama invites 19-year-old Taylor Swift over for a beer summit?

Obama: “We’re going to have to keep open Gitmo as it’s the only place large and isolated enough to contain Kanye’s ego.”

Kanye West is such a jackass than even Obama has better sense to be his friend.

I’m Back!

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I would like to give a special thanks to Mr. Right for guest blogging (and thanks for the gift!). He was very funny and you should probably consider visiting him at his blog if he has one. Also thanks to Harvey and Basil for keeping things going as well (and a special thanks to Basil for keeping IMAO safe.

Now I guess I should think of posting something. Anything happen in the news while I was gone? I heard someone interrupted Obama during a speech shouting, “You lie! I’m going to shove this ball down your throat since Beyonce was robbed!” And then there were a bunch of racists who descended on DC to say racist things like how they don’t like Obama’s health care plan. Anyway, I’m confused. I hope Obama gives another speech to explain things to me.