Democrats are an opinionated bunch.
Yes! We are an opinionated bunch!
You know, the other side, they just kinda sometimes do what they’re told.
Yes! They just do what they’re told!
Democrats, y’all thinkin’ for yourselves.
Yes! We think for ourselves!
I don’t!*
The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-21-09 Fred Thompson Show:
Scientists are currently searching for the Higgs boson — a massive scalar elementary particle — because if they find it they will prove once and for all that matter exists. Most people just seem to accept the existence of matter without contemplating the theoretical problems it causes, but scientists are not so foolish. If you ever wonder why scientists are so distant to their wives and children, it’s because until the Higgs boson is found, they can’t rationally be sure they’re there. Anyway, scientists are pretty sure the Higgs boson is out there, but to distinguish it from made up things people believe in, like the Tooth Fairy and morality, they need concrete proof.
To find the Higgs boson, scientists have constructed the Large Hadron Collider. The Small Hadron Collider, the Medium Hadron Collider, and the Fun-Size Hadron Collider all failed to locate the Higgs boson, but they’re pretty sure the Large one will do it. There is a small chance (one in six) that the Collider could create black holes and destroy the universe, but Science! has already shown we have 10^10^16 universes, so that’s not really a big deal.
Anyway, if you happen to see a Higgs boson, make sure to tell your nearest scientist. And be detailed in your description (height, weight, etc.).
Science!
So how do I parody this guy?
He basically called FOX News and the GOP enemies of America, peace, education, and everything good. How do can you even make that statement more extreme? It’s just so beyond the pale that you just can’t get angry. How can you possibly take that seriously? It’s like one of the trolls who comments obsessively to right-wing blogs became a Representative.
And the thing is, he’s in a district that leans Republican. Hasn’t anyone in the Democratic Party taken him aside and explained this to him?
DEMOCRAT: “You need to shut up, Grayson.”
GRAYSON: “But Republicans are evil. They want to kill people.”
DEMOCRAT: “Yeah, okay, but keep that to yourself. We need to keep your seat in 2010.”
GRAYSON: “Republicans are bad and hate puppies. I want to bite them.”
DEMOCRAT: “That rhetoric is not helpful.”
GRAYSON: “I think my toaster is a Republican. It was laughing at me. I smashed it good.”
DEMOCRAT: (shaking him) Shut up, you grinning idiot! Just shut up!
GRAYSON: “I make poopie!”
I don’t know where exactly the Democrats got this guy, but they should probably return him to his street corner so he can go back to shouting at birds.
The Dems are renaming the public option:
The plan, called the “robust” option or “Medicare Plus 5” in the jargon that has emerged on Capitol Hill, ties provider reimbursement rates to Medicare, adding 5 percent. Leaders are planning to roll the bill out next week, and are hoping to vote the first week in November
Fred called this one on September 30th:
The Senate Finance Committee voted down a public option amendment to the health care bill. Does that mean it’s finally dead?
Probably not. They’ll just change the name and put it back up again. So if you hear about the “super duper non-private double-happy health care delight option”, be suspicious.
Prescience is just one of The Fred’s many awesome powers.
So Contessa Brewer mistakes Jesse Jackson for Al Sharpton:
Now, I called up MSNBC for an explanation, and they told me their official position is that all black people look alike. They’ve taken some steps to prevent problems, though. Like often you’d hear in the MSNBC studios something like, “Why is President Obama getting us all sandwiches?” And someone else would say, “No, that’s our intern Paul.” So now MSNBC requires every black person in their studios to wear a button saying, “Not Obama” (unless he is Obama, of course).
Still, I can see people getting Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton confused; they are kind of redundant. They’re both racial demagogues who like to stir up situations to get on TV, both quite inexplicably get treated like they’re each the king of black people instead of shunned like they scumbags they are, and both for unexplained reasons want to be called by the title “Reverend”. So, really, the best way to tell them apart is to remember that Al Sharpton is the fat one.
That’s my free tip for MSNBC.
A fool-proof paternity test is to go back in time and kill who you think is your father and see if it creates a paradox.
If the Founding Fathers were so Smart, what’s with All the random capitalization of Words in the Constitution?
At least they didn’t randomly bold things and put things in caps. That’s nature’s way of telling you someone is an internet crank.
Why does spell check still tell me I should capitalize “internet”? Who capitalizes that word? Oh, I guess the Founding Fathers would.
I lived in Jersey for nine years. I still wake up screaming.
Over 8.5 million people live in NJ. What possible explanation is there for that? It’s not North Korea; you can leave any time!
I have a slogan that could turn the Virginia election around: “Creigh-zy for Creigh Deeds!”
Captain’s log, stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been underway at warp 7 for four days. Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.
Beaming down to this Class K planet, we hope to find who is behind this takeover of my ship.
Welcome! Welcome, Captain, to you and your crew!
I don’t believe it. Barack Obama. How did you get here – we left you in custody on Rigel after that you were exiled from Earth…
A misunderstanding, to be sure. I prefer to say that I left Earth willingly, after spreading Hope And Change® all around. On Earth, I ruined — I mean ruled — but one nation. Here, I rule an entire planet.
How did you come to be the leader here? Did you reprogram the androids to vote for you?
Reprogramming androids is not all that different from reprogramming humans. Easier, even.
That is not logical. Androids do not have emotion. Therefore, they are immune to your emotional, but meaningless, phrases. And the logic circuits in the android brain would prevent them from voting from you if they analyzed what you say.
Wait. We did not analyze what he said. We voted for him because he said we should. This analyzing what a candidate says is a new concept to us. We will consider this.
Obama says that Fox News is merely a platform for the views of certain politicians. Yet he asks other news organizations to align themselves with his views. This means that Fox is not treated as a news organization because they represent an opposing political stance. But others are treated as a news organization if they represent his political stance. That is illogical. Illogical!
Obama took four months to pick out a dog, but wanted massive spending bills rushed through Congress in days. That is not logical.
When Americans did not have health insurance, Obama said Congress must rush through an expensive program without reading it. When American troops were in harms way and said they needed reinforcements, Obama did nothing. That is illogical.
Obama believes that government can run things better than private business. So he wants your life run by the same system that runs the IRS, the postal service, the TSA… that is not logical. Illogical! Illogical!
Obama’s logic is flawed. This is not acceptable. There is danger. You are in danger. You should leave.
Now see here. I have had enough of your shutting down, smoking out your ears, and calling me illogical. I rule this planet and I will not stand for this.
No, it is we who will not stand for this. Your logic has caused malfunctions to androids here, just as it caused malfunctions to your country on Earth. We have devised a punishment for you — one that will keep you under control without causing you harm.
Barack! Barack Hussein Obama! Where have you been? What have you been up to? Nothing good, I’m sure – well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing–
