If you aim for the moon, even if you miss you’ll be amongst the stars… though it’s pretty redundant to nuke them.
Archive of entries posted on 9th October 2009
2010 Peace Prize Nominees
Everyone knows that real peace only comes through strength.
Or possibly superior firepower.
Careful aim helps, too.
Anyway, these fine folks put the bitch-slap on the forces of mayhem and chaos, so I’m nominating them for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize:
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Name: James Pickett
Headline: 80-Year-Old John Wayne Fan Puts Attacker In Hospital
Money Quote: “I think I’m a ten times better shot than and he is… But they best not come back,” said Pickett.
*****
Name: August Peters
Headline: Man, 74, Shoots Carjacker, 18
Money Quote: Baltazar, wearing a ski mask, put a knife to Peters’ throat and told the man to hand over his keys. Peters got back in his car, pulled out a gun and and fired twice — hitting Baltazar once in the stomach.
*****
Name: Bradley Harvell
Headline: 82-year-old Man Kills Home Invasion Suspect
Money Quote: “I reached down […] and got a pistol that I had down there. A 357 magnum pistol that I’ve had for years and I brought it out and I shot him,” said Harvell.
*****
Name: Willie Lee Hill
Headline: Man, 93, Shoots Violent Robber
Money Quote: Covered in blood, Hill regained consciousness a short time later and pulled a .38-caliber handgun on his attacker. The suspect, Douglas B. Williams Jr., saw the gun and charged the man, who fired a bullet that struck Williams in the throat, police said.
*****
Name: Willie Hancox
Headline: 84-Year-Old Homeowner Shoots Intruder
Money Quote: “He said if they come in the door, I’m not gonna let them kill me and he meant that,” says neighbor, Dorothy Dickerson.
*****
Name: Gayle Martin
Headline: 79-Year-Old Shoots Two Intruders, Police Say: Homeowner Says Men Kicked In His Back Door At 5 A.M.
Money Quote: “He’s old school,” Lisa Garner said of her neighbor. “My grandfather would have done the same thing.”
*****
Name: Carter Westfall
Headline: Man Shoots Intruders/ 18-Year-Old Killed, Two Other Teens Wounded
Money Quote: Under Colorado law, a person may use deadly force against an intruder into a dwelling who he believes may use force or commit a crime within the dwelling. This is commonly referred to as the “Make My Day” law.
*****
Name: Florentino Jauregui
Headline: 85-Year-Old Man Shoots Robbery Suspect
Money Quote: “I’m proud of my father. He is a good person,” said Pedro Jauregui.
*****
Name: Monte Rompal
Headline: Chiloquin Man Shoots Intruder
Money Quote: Deputies later found Brown at a nearby house – asleep and drunk with a bullet wound to his left upper arm.
*****
Name: Michael Mah
Headline: Concealed Carry Permit Holder Shoots Suspect
Money Quote: “The bad guys… better be careful who they pick on,” said Troy Powell, a retired cop who recently moved here from Texas.
*****
Name: Charles (Gus) Augusto
Headline: Blue Flame Owner Kills Two: Harlem’s Restaurant Supply Owner Shoots Two Dead After Botched Robbery
Money Quote: “They ran into some tough stuff today,” witness Vernon McKenzie, 48, said of the stickup men, including one whose bloody corpse was splayed on the sidewalk.
Sadly, I couldn’t find this next guy’s name, but if anyone knows it, please forward it to the nominating committee:
Name: Unknown (and despite rumors to the contrary, it wasn’t me)
Headline: Man Shoots At Rappers Over “Cranky Old Man” Lyrics
Money Quote: “The elderly gentleman felt that these young people were insulting him in their songs,” the officer added.
Grading Obama
Time has awarded Obama an A- for his presidency so far. Doesn’t make an A+ sound that impressive.
So what has Obama done so far? He’s still black, which was the only accomplishment people could name when he ran for president, but what new things has he done?
* He’s been yelled at.
* He swatted a fly.
* He had a fun trip to Copenhagen.
A minus!
It really seems like the country and the world are on the verge of a huge disaster, but it could just be this same muddled mess for three more years too. So what grade do I give that? A ‘C’ maybe?
What grade do you give Obama and why?
Random Thoughts
In response to Casino Royale, do you think they’re working on a grittier, more realistic version of Austin Powers?
Should never have given wife access to Netflix queue. Wanted X-Men: Wolverine, instead they’re sending Confessions of a Shopaholic.
Fun Fact: Out of all the large bodies in our solar system, we’ve so far only nuked Earth.
I’m getting tired of the same old arguments; politicians should start accusing each other of witchcraft.
Who is more likely to be a witch: Dennis Kucinich or Ron Paul? I guess we should throw them both in a lake and see if they float.
Considering how Captain Kirk treated the Prime Directive, as a Supreme Court Justice I don’t think he’d be a strict constructionist.
I’m not saying Kirk shouldn’t be a Supreme Court Justice. He’s be a good idea if we think the Court is going to be attacked by the Gorn.
There’s something I just don’t trust about Spock. My first choice for Supreme Court Justice would be McCoy, but that’s hardly surprising.
If we’re going to reduce our nuclear stockpile, we should give a few to the Mythbusters. Bad idea if the myth they’re going to test is: “Starting a nuclear war will result in a global apocalypse.”
So when are the liberals who complained about Iraq going to speak up against this war of choice with the moon?
Whenever my parents try to lecture me, I remind them that it’s because of their poor choices that they’re now old.
In Olbermann’s fight against death, death won and claimed his audience’s brain cells.
The Peace Prize? But How Has Obama Made The World Better?
Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize by Listening to Me
A lot of you laughed when I first unveiled my peace plan over seven years ago, but who is laughing now? This morning, America crashed a probe into the moon causing an explosion. And the result?
Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize.
And before you say, “This is a mockery of the Nobel Peace Prize! Obama has barely been president, so there is no way he’s had time to accomplish as much peace as Yasser Arafat,” answer me this: Has anyone else in the world’s history successfully attacked the moon? It’s an accomplishment under Obama’s watch and I think is quite worthy of the prize. Certainly more worthy than whatever they thought Carter did.
And if you think we have peace now, just wait until we hit the moon with a nuclear yield!
Saying kind things
Every so often, something happens that changes your focus. This weekend, at a wedding, one of the scripture passages made me realize that I haven’t been the nicest person in relating to others.
For instance, I have been way too hard on Barack Obama. And I need to correct that.
It’s true that I disagree with many, many, many things he does, says, and believes. However, is he all bad? He can’t be, can he? Of course not.
So I’m going to say some nice things about the president. True stuff.
- Yesterday, we had a farewell breakfast for someone at work. I love breakfast. Under Obama’s economy, we’ll have lots more of those!
- Barack Obama hasn’t bombed America. Even by accident.
- That special family member that you worry about? You can stop worrying. If Barack Obama can amount to something, anyone can.
- Barack Obama makes people feel better about themselves. Such as racists. Think about how justified they feel about their beliefs right now.
- The president has done wonders for international relations. Look how strong France seems compared the the U.S. since Obama took office.
- Obama is not just another typical Chicago politician. Al Capone would have been able to get the Olympics.
- The president is too incompetent to be effectively evil.
I’m sure there are many other good things about Barack Obama. I just can’t think of any.