Archive of entries posted on 7th October 2009

Keep Hippies Out of Science!

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Saw this on one of the Science! blogs I read: A lamp that runs on human blood. Except it’s not really Science!, as the maker says its to force the user “to rethink how wasteful they are with energy, and how precious it is.”

Science! is supposed to make our lives easier, and a one use lamp that you have to bleed into is not making things easier when flashlights and batteries are cheap and plentiful. It is not Science!, it is a hippie art project, and I am offended at it being presented as Science!. I guess what scientists really need is some sort of Science! device that can identifies hippies so they can toss them out of the sciencetorium where their important Science! — stuff involving lasers and radio waves — is done.

Science! is important — it’s made us DVDs, bottle rockets, and car cup holders — so we can’t have hippies twisting it around and making it useless.

Liberals to the Rescue!

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Something to watch out for on TV tonight:

I’m almost afraid to make fun lest someone point out this is obviously a joke and I’m just not getting it. Do liberals even take Olbermann seriously anymore? When the president appears on TV, support for his health care “reform” continues to go down, so how is Olbermann talking to his fringe left audience anything other than masturbatory?

And I love the title: “Health Care Reform: The Fight Against Death”. Trying to create a giant bureaucracy is now a “fight against death.” I guess that’s kind of like how sorting out your bottles and cans from the trash is “saving the world.” Since liberals aren’t for anything actually useful, they try to delude themselves that the useless things they do are super important. That’s what makes hippies so intolerable; they actually think they’re accomplishing something by smoking pot and complaining about stuff.

Note to Liberals: There are actual big problems that could use solving, like Iran getting nukes and keeping the Taliban from taking over in Afghanistan. If that’s too big for you, you can help the needy with your own time and money. I know things that don’t result in a bigger government pushing people around don’t tend to interest you, but give it your consideration, please.

Awesome Flag

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This is the actual flag of the Benin Empire:

Why don’t we see more flags like that? “Mess with us, this what happens to you!” It’s always big swatches of color and gives you no idea what you’re getting in to. I like the American flag, but what if instead of stars and stripes it was a Tyrannosaurus Rex biting off some guy’s head? Then other countries would get some idea of what things would be like if they mess with us.

Random Thoughts

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I hope CNN soon fact checks the “More Cowbell” sketch as there are huge inaccuracies in it about the Blue Oyster Cult.

Maybe CNN could team with RiffTrax and do a fact-checking commentary of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

“CNN found no baseball team with player names like Who, What, or I Don’t Know. This was most likely propaganda based on fear of immigrants.”

CNN Fact Check: “At no point in history has England had a Ministry of Silly Walks.”

CNN Fact Check: “Bruce Dickinson was actually quite neutral on the inclusion of cowbell in songs he produced.”

CNN Fact Check: “It is unlikely a motivational speaker who lived in a van down by the river would be able to acquire those speaking jobs.”

CNN Fact Check: “Scientist still don’t understand enough about a chicken’s brain to know for certain its motivation in crossing a road.”

CNN Fact Check: Sean Connery has never been on Jeopardy and actually has high regard for Alex Trebek’s mother.”

CNN Fact Check: “There is no such job as Assistant Crack Whore, so the idea it replaced Crack Whore as world’s worst job is false.”

CNN Fact Check: “James Earl Jones is not in fact an expert on what is and isn’t CNN.”

CNN Fact Check: “It is unclear how Kramer could afford an apartment in Manhattan, bringing in to question much of the show’s premise.”

Puppy Tip: Keep your puppy away from popular bloggers who are obsessed with blenders.

Puppy Tip: “Shake well before using” is not an actual instruction on puppy care.

Puppy Tip: A puppy should be at least nine weeks old before being used in a juggling act.

Puppy Tip: Discipline and consistency are the best ways to keep your puppy from becoming disillusioned and joining a terrorist sleeper cell.

Puppy Tip: If your puppy has a prehensile tail, it may in fact be a monkey. Destroy with fire.

Puppy Tip: Exercise! A tired puppy is a puppy who can’t be plotting your murder.

Puppy Tip: Give your puppy a job to do, such as carrying a pack on a walk or guarding the entrance to the underworld.

Puppy Tip: It’s okay to be verbally abusive to your puppy as long as you do it in a happy tone.

Puppy Tip: Never make fun of your puppy’s lack of a soul.