Archive of entries posted on 19th October 2009

So Many Universes!

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Scientists (using Science!) calculated that there are 10^10^16 possible universes. That’s a one with ten quadrillion zeroes following it. That means like any wacky possibility you can think of, statistically it’s likely to exist in one of those. Like a universe where hyper-intelligent pine cones rule. Or one where platypi are normal and we’re the ones who are weird-looking. And there’s a universe where ninjas mated with pirates to make ninja-pirates.

So I know what you’re thinking: “Can we invade them and steal their oil?” Yes, but we’ll need a pretext for the invasion. That’s simple, though: All we have to do is find a universe similar to our own and then hit them up for tons of copyright infringements. When they won’t pay, we invade them and take their oil!

It’s ideas like that that would make me a much better ruler than a pine cone.

Islam Needs Better Marketing to Dominate

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Okay, so Gert Wilders goes to the UK, and he’s met with Muslim protesters holding up signs saying, “Islam Will Dominate the World: Freedom Can Go to Hell” and “Shariah the True Solution: Freedom Go To Hell”.

Not a great marketing strategy.

Not a great marketing strategy.

Now, they got nice, professional-looking, printed-out signs, yet they still don’t really have any better a concept of how to win friends and influence people than does the average Kos Kid. Do they really expect people to walk by and say, “That’s a great idea about freedom going to hell; I’m going to join Islam!” or “Wow! Whatever those angry, stupid, violent people are into, I totally want to be a part of that!”

They need better marketing!

Here are some of my sign ideas:

“Islam Will Dominate the World… and Your Heart”

“Shariah the True Solution for Family Fun”

“Shariah for the Netherlands; Ice Cream for the Children”

“The Modern World Is Scary; Join Islam and Help Us Yell at It”

“Down with Infidels; Up with Fun Beards”

“You Know How the Dog Is Scared of the Vacuum? Freedom Is Our Vacuum”

“Give Islam a Try; First Prayer Mat Is Free”

“Join Islam; How Great Could Bacon Possibly Be?”

Next, someone needs to write them a catchy jingle!

Random Thoughts

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I don’t think you should be free in this country to denounce freedom. Not being free to denounce freedom would make denouncers of freedom happy since then they wouldn’t be free.

Scientists calculate there are up to 10^10^16 alternate universes. That’s five more than I would have guessed.

MSNBC’s ratings and Obama’s sinking popularity tell us that while Americans may vote for liberals, they don’t like hearing them speak.

I hope the Yankees win every competition in every sport so that the only people who are ever happy are Yankees fans. And Satan.

Why do I even visit LGF? The only purpose seems to be to make myself angry at how Charles Johnson mindlessly latches on to arguments like a terrier.

Anyone seen any interesting pine cones lately? I saw one that was brown.

Some seasons I don’t see pine cones. I wonder where they hide.

I hear pine cones are actually pineapples that have been left in the sun too long, but I haven’t confirmed this.

If you leave a pine cone under your pillow, it will really freak out the Tooth Fairy. “What kind of tooth is that?!” Ha ha. Of course, I’m not sure you should interfere with the Tooth Fairy’s business. If it weren’t for her, we’d have landfills of teeth.

I really don’t know what pine cones are hoping to accomplish, but from the looks of them it can’t be anything good.

Who would ever have thought to pitch the premise of Red Dwarf as a sitcom? For fun, I just described the show to my wife and didn’t mention it was a British sitcom. “There’s this spaceship, and this one man is disciplined and put into stasis for the rest of the mission. When he awakes, the whole crew is dead from a radiation leak, and it’s three million years in the future. It’s hilarious!”

The doorbell rang, and when I opened the door there was a pine cone sitting on the front steps. Whoever did that, that’s not funny.

Cats aren’t as flammable as you’d think.

Am I annoying? I certainly don’t like me, but I don’t like anyone.

How could anyone be unhappy when they know they’re loved by someone as important as Jesus?

Jesus does not love pine cones.

I hate it when a baseball game is tied. Nine innings is already way too many for such a boring sport.

If you shoot a monkey and say it was self-defense, do they just take your word as a human or do you have a full trial?