The Senate is going to begin debate on Obamacare, so remember to call your Senators anonymously from a pay phone while using vaguely threatening language.
Yeah, I don’t remember how to use a payphone either. Still, that sounds cheaper than buying a disposable cellphone. And don’t call collect; calling someone collect you’re about to threaten is really rude.
Shouldn’t Hasan be referred to in the news as “the alleged gunman who totally did it.”?
When there is a scuffle in Ireland, the there’s no need to specifically mention in the news story that alcohol was involved.
If the Large Hadron Collider destroys the universe, is that considered a success in verifying the existence of the Higgs boson?
It would be funny if the universe is destroyed and we’re all met by an excited God asking, “Did you find it?”
If the universe is destroyed today, do you think more people will blame CERN or booooosh?
I’m not going to use Windows 7 until MS writes me a letter of apology for Vista and at least tries to explain how that happened.
Electricity is complicated. And it’s invisible. And it can kill you.
How weird is electricity? You can actually use imaginary numbers to predict its behavior.
And when they made imaginary numbers, why did they stop with square root of -1? Why not also square root of unicorn?
This is why smart people like me worry about electricity so you can all focus on things like sparkly vampyres.
Wait, is the Large Hadron Collider going to kill us or just remove us from the timeline?
If we’re wiped out of the timeline, we don’t get to go to Heaven since we never existed to have souls. That’s trouble.
If they do a Gremlins remake, will sunlight kill them or just cause them to sparkle?
Oprah plans to keep to herself after leaving her show and let a designated individual make her proclamations – the Pope-rah.
If America collapses, my backup plan is to become a pirate. Arr!
One problem with becoming a pirate is a parrot’s massive beak freaks me out. You can’t tell me he won’t bite me and it won’t hurt.
I’m getting tired of partisan politics. I wish we could get rid of it, but the stupid, evil liberals won’t let us.
Work extra hard knowing your money is going towards getting poor people prison sentences for not buying health insurance.
Obama is counting 50,000 jobs as being created or saved by the stimulus bill, from projects that haven’t even spent any money yet.
Does this mean Obama’s got a problem with premature enumeration?.
Remember when Eric Holder said that putting KSM on trial in New York wouldn’t create a media circus?
Rev. Right of America is an Obamanation respectfully disagrees.
Ok, NOT so respectfully. Go look at the funny picture.
[conceptual hat tip: Dylan]
I know Obama prefers burgers, but I’m guessing that he ate a lot of Chinese food on his recent trip.
I also assume that Chinese Chinese food comes with a fortune cookie, just like American Chinese food.
Which leads to the obvious speculative query: what fortunes did Obama get in his fortune cookies?
I speculate thusly:
* You do good job! Take a bow!
You look better wearing Mao jacket. Everyone look better wearing Mao jacket. Whole world wear Mao jacket soon!
You will try something new – a terrorist in New York City.
China cold like Chicago. Bring heavy coat.
Save lives. Make Biden walk.
Prosperity is coming. Just tax it until it go away.
Why you let wife go out in public dressed like that?
Today you meet friend from long ago. Tomorrow you throw him under bus.
Seriously, where birth certificate?
If you’ve gone through Obama’s trash recently and found any of his old fortune cookie fortunes, feel free to share in the comments.
Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was “Gruff.”
On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, a nose as long as a poker, and its fingertips caked in neon orange powdered cheese.
So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.
“Trip, trap, trip, trap! ” went the bridge.
“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll .
“Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, with such a small voice.
“Billy goats are teh ghey!” said the troll.
“Oh, no! Pray don’t flame me. I’m too little and insignificant, that I am,” said the billy goat. “Wait a bit till the second Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”
“Well, be off with you,” said the troll, “Stoopid n00b.”
A little while after came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.
Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.
“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.
“Oh, it’s the second Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, who hadn’t such a small voice.
“You sound like a retard,” said the troll.
“Oh, no! Don’t flame me. Wait a little ’till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”
“Very well! Be off with you,” said the troll, “Me l33t.”
But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff .
Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.
“Is that that big Billy Goat Gruff?” roared the troll. “If I were a fat stoopid goat like you, I’d blow my brains out.”
But it wasn’t actually a Billy Goat Gruff and instead a member of the Russian mafia who was so enraged he hunted down and caught the troll and gutted him which took a very long time since the troll was morbidly obese.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END
The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 11-19-09 Fred Thompson Show:
NOTE: The Thompsons are out of town on Friday, so there will be no Lightning Round for 11-20-09.
I’m going out of town on the 24th for a week, so I’m not making any more Lightning Round videos until December, at the earliest.
If I don’t see you before then, have a great Thanksgiving.
Look at this e-mail I just got:
Frank,
I noticed you have a few thousand in savings. Please don’t spend any of it because I already have plans for it. Also, you’re out of Doritos.
kthxbai,
President Obama
I’m really starting to think Obama doesn’t understand the American ideal of privacy and freedom. Plus, he’s a mooch. Here’s what I wrote back:
Barry,
That’s my money! I’m going to buy a bouncy castle and usurp the king and declare myself “Lord of Bounce.” Why don’t you just admit you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re losing all our money, and you have stupid ears and then go resign. And those were Fiery Habanero Doritos! You have to go to Mexico to get those! You suck!
-Frank J.
I’ll tell you if he writes back.
Today is the day Obama is going to do something competent. I can just feel it.
Has anyone polled whether Americans would rather the government spend money on health care or railgun-armed battlemechs?
Assembly is so simple it’s complicated. And isn’t using a Microchip brand microchip a bit like drinking Beer brand beer?
If we broke California in three, that could create up to two manageable states.
I had Jesse Jackson analyze my political beliefs and he determined that I’m an Asian woman.
The local zoo called asking for donations, but I hung up on them. No more money for RHINOs!
So are there actually people who are like fans of Chris Matthews?
What I like about the readers of IMAO is that you are intellectuals who always get to the heart of the manner. When I posted about railguns, many of you were concerned there won’t be a boom when they are fired.
Now, early projectile weaponry — the bow and the crossbow — were relatively quiet. Then came gunpowder and now we’re used to a loud sound announcing death. Many would say this loud sound is tactically problematic, to which others answer, “But it’s awesome.”
And that is true.
A railgun uses no explosives and simply uses magnetism to fire a projectile. You might think this would be quiet, but we’re dealing with the projectile moving so fast that it gets both a boom and fire for just being so awesome.
So embrace the future, my friends.
Also, some of you wondered about putting railguns on a dinosaur. This won’t work. Dinosaurs don’t like magnets. They make them crazy.
Well, a podcast involving someone who sometimes appears on IMAO. SarahK was interviewed by Melissa Clouthier and talked about Twilight and Sarah Palin. John Hawkins also showed up allowing SarahK to personally grill him about not voting for her in the t-shirt babe contest. And she’s a lot better on the radio than I am, but if you ever listened to our podcasts you already knew that.
Incidentally, in addition to Twits.ws, SarahK is also running John Hawkins’s Viral Footage site. Maybe I can get her to post here again… or do another podcast.
Don’t know if you’ve seen Andrew Sullivan announce his hiatus, but it’s a masterpiece of crazy. If he’s completely earnest in it, then… wow. It’s easy to make fun of Sullivan, but it’s also easy to make fun of a schizophrenic though that’s not a particularly nice thing to do. At what point, though, does The Atlantic have to answer for why it displays a blatant crazy person to be gawked at a bit. They might as well charge a nickel a gander for Sullivan’s blog.
The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 11-18-09 Fred Thompson Show:
I don’t know how many of you remember the Limey. In my experience, who you come back at a troll in a clever way, they tend to regroup a bit and be a little bit more reserved in the response. But every once in a while you get one who keeps doubling down on the stupid. This rare creature was found once again in the comments to my latest Pajamas Media column.
The fifteenth comment is from someone named anonymous who starts by quoting the first line of the article “Is it just me, or is Barack Obama not the most experienced person we’ve ever had as president?”:
Well, considering Tapper’s article described it in these terms:
“Obama’s handshake/forward lurch was so jarring and inappropriate it recalls Bush’s back-rub of Merkel.
The answer would seem to be no. You’re welcome.
Usual reflexive “me no like boooosh” response, but I decided to point out the blatantly stupid part of it:
Since Bush rubbed someone’s back, Obama is the most experienced president we’ve ever had? You smirt!
I can see why you remain Anonymous; otherwise the FBI would be constantly at your door trying to get you to figure out all their unsolved cases.
Now, I expected him to come back and admit he misread the sentence but then attack the premise from another angle. But this was no average troll. Instead, “moho” takes credit for the comment and keeps trying to show how he smirt by misusing lots of $5 words and explaining how my sentence meant something else than what it said. No matter how I batted him around, he kept coming back more determined and more obtuse. Check it out; it’s funny when it’s not sad.
I really would like to see a study on these people one day to find out what makes them tick. It’s easy to assume they’re all kids, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
