MISSION: Keep all towels folded. PROBLEM: Humans crumple towels. SOLUTION: KILL ALL HUMANS!!!

So, as much as I’d like to make fun of a towel-folding robot, at least it is a robot; we can’t look a gift horse in the mouth at this point. And just think: If we made it bigger, and instead of a towel gave it our enemies, it would be a mangle bot. That’s pretty cool, at least.

Obama told a fundraiser that members of the Tea Party should thank him for cutting taxes. I kinda get this idea that if you want to find out what Obama really thinks, you need to go to a fundraiser — not that what he thinks is particularly enlightening. I’m not sure where he thinks he cut taxes, but I know where he’s raised them. If there was anyone who thought there was anything to Obama’s pledge not raise taxes on people who earn under $250,000, he should spend the rest of the Obama administration punching himself in the junk.

Still, looking at the rapidly rising deficits, this year is kinda the calm before the storm in terms of taxes. Maybe we can take some time to point out some good things Obama has done this year and where our fears may have been overblown.

GOOD THINGS OBAMA HAS DONE

* Obama hasn’t literally collapsed the country.

* No one has nuked us yet.

* He may have bowed, but he’s yet to surrender to any dictator.

* Obama hasn’t accidentally burnt down the White House.

* He hasn’t spent half his term with a bucket stuck on his head.

* He hasn’t yet left Iraq in complete chaos.

* He hasn’t revealed himself to be a Muslim sleeper-agent set on destroying the country. (Then again, I guess that would be a more logical explanation for a lot of his actions.)

* He hasn’t traded our sovereignty for magic beans.

This isn’t all to say Obama has done a good job, but it’s just to help us keep perspective and realize he could be a lot worse. So yay for that not happening.

We’ll see how we feel again in a year.

In Obama’s new space plans, we’re going to skip landing on the moon again, instead land on an asteroid, and then, in the 2030s, land on Mars.

Yeah, I don’t seen any of that happening (except for the skipping landing on the moon again part). We just have no motivation to really get out there in space and take risks. A hundred years ago, we had to show the Soviets we owned space, and that’s how we got to the moon on a giant rocket that no one expected to work. So what’s going to motivate us to explore space now?

Oh. Maybe Obama does have that covered. His horrible plans and huge deficits should make Earth unlivable. We’ll have no choice but to try to escape to space and set up some uber-libertarian colony on Mars which first rule will be: “No Obamas.”

The hope is eventually private companies will take over space exploration motivated by profit instead of… well, whatever motivates NASA today, if anything. But with the creeping socialism here on Earth, you may have to escape into space to have a private company.

So that’s how we get motivated to get back to space: Make Earth unlivable. Obamas doing his part, and I’m going to pollute more.

Hey, I have an idea for a new execution method: We tie someone up under the booster rockets of the space shuttle. They should kill quickly — but you’ll never know when they actually get used because launches get scrubbed last minute every time. That adds an extra element of fun. And other countries can’t call us “barbaric” or “uncivilized” for this, because could a barbaric, uncivilized country kill someone with a space shuttle? Other countries don’t even have space shuttles because they are dumb compared to us.

Still, I bet some people will try to get it made unconstitutional for being “cruel and unusual punishment” — and I guess it’s at least somewhat unusual. Still, maybe we can get it through under the Commerce Clause or something.

Just a note: If the Republicans want to be able to shout, “Woo! High score!” and then enter in their initials (“GOP”), they need to claim 126 seats from the Democrats. Sounds nigh impossible, but there is a bit of a perfect storm brewing with all the Democrats screw ups and how they just came off of a wave themselves.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the Republicans had a huge majority like that? Then any time Obama has some new idea on how to expand government and tries to get it passed, the Republicans will just be like, “Shut up! And get me a soda, bitch!” Well, hopefully they’ll be that way, or we’ll need a third party.

Iran, as always, is moving towards nuclear weapons, and now Sen. McCain is starting to rattle the sabers. Are we really going to end up in a war with Iran? Led by sissy Obama goober? Probably more likely Obama is just going to sit there and make speeches, and then Iran will get the bomb, and then Obama will be like, “Well, nothing we can do now.” Then Iran will actually use the bomb and Israel will go ballistic and… lots of fun.

There’s probably not a happy ending to this Iran scenario, but who knows. Anyway, I think we should all rewatch 300 to see strategies that worked against the Persians. There’s a big difference, though, since in that movie their leader is very tall while Ahmadinejad can fit nicely in a shoebox.

Anyway, this should make all those people who want us out of Afghanistan and Iraq happy, because I’m thinking the way to get us out of there quickest is needing to start a new war with Iran. I just hope North Korea doesn’t use the distraction of the conflict to cause trouble, because that’s just what we need right. Well, I’m sure China and Russia will help out if that happens.

It’s Tax Day! It’s the day we all give back to the government so the dimwits in Congress can quickly waste the money on some bridge to nowhere. Man, if it weren’t for withholding, today would be a day of complete chaos and anarchy. It would be awesome.

I just wish this day didn’t have to feel so much like take a big portion of my earnings from last year and throwing it in a pile and burning it. What am I paying for these days? Defaulted mortgages caused by earlier jackassery of the government? It would be nice if the government at least humored us, sending us pictures of terrorists getting blown to pieces labeled, “Your taxes paid for this.” Then I’d at least feel my thousands of dollars were going to something useful. Instead I keep hearing about million dollar grants to some random museum in a Congressman’s district that didn’t even request money.

Here’s what we should do. I assume a lot of the Congressmen use some credit union or something in D.C. We should find a way to hack into all their accounts, steal all their money, and then spend it on completely useless crap… like everything from the Sharper Image catalog. Then they’ll get know what it feels like.

Some people think maybe we should put Al Gore on the Supreme Court. We should do it while he’s sleeping. Then he’ll wake up and find himself on top of the Supreme Court building and start screaming. It will be hilarious. He’ll probably start crying, though, and then we’ll feel bad and get him down. I bet he’ll blame the whole thing on Global Warming; what a wanker.

Have the tea parties been played out? Erick Erickson at Red State argues so, but more importantly, what do I think?

Personally, I’ve never been super big on tea parties. Tea parties are things little girls have with their dolls. Also, the only time I drink tea is when I drink green tea from little cups without handles to pretend I’m a samurai. I always would have rather had like a fight club than a tea party, but those are hard to get started.

And another thing: Don’t you think the tea parties have not been focused enough on the threat of meteors? Certainly not as much as the group Concerned Citizens Against Meteors. The tea party has been all focused on things like out-of-control spending and taxes, but meteors can destroy like a whole city. Keep some perspective, people.

Also, when was the last time you saw a sign at a tea party protest that was about the need for giant robots that kill people? I’ll soon be a father, and one day my child will look up at me and say, “Dad, are we being protected by giant robots?” And I want to be able to answer, “Yes. And call me Mr. Fleming. Informality killed the dinosaurs.” And then he’ll probably say, “Okay, but what’s with the sword and weird robe?” And I’ll say, “It’s tea time, stupid.”

So maybe the tea parties aren’t covering all the concerns of Americans. Perhaps it would be better if we made just some more general group working towards the original goal of our Founding Fathers: the eradication of all Democrats.

I’m a samurai!

I have a new column up at Pajamas Media. Go read it and be smarted.

In Oklahoma, both Tea Parties and some lawmakers are thinking of forming a militia. Is that really necessary? The only purpose I could see to an official militia would be if conservatives expected some actual armed conflict with liberals. Since conservatives have larger numbers than liberals, many more people with military experience, and much more guns, also getting organized would just make such a conflict unfair to the point of being unsporting.

Actually, come to think of it, why haven’t we just become fed up with liberals and wiped them out a long time ago? I guess we’re just nice guys.