Congress may have accidentally stripped themselves of their health care by passing Obamacare. So if Obamacare denies life-saving treatment to Congress, maybe it’s a problem that will fix itself.

Muslims in the UK are now allowed to throw shoes as part of protesting. As a supplication to Muslim sensibilities, it’s now not considered violent and instead a “ritual form of protest.” I thought Europe liked to consider itself civilized, but it’s kind of hard to have that when you tolerate certain segments of your population behaving like irate toddlers. If an American moved to UK, would he be allowed to shoot a shoe-thrower in the face, because culturally that’s what we do?

If a society can’t every once in a while tell some dimwits, “Your culture is stupid; stop it now,” then it might as well just roll over and die. Why should we care what culture people have in backwards, violent countries? Civilized people don’t throw shoes. Hell, grown up people don’t throw shoes. I’m not even sure monkeys would throw shoes. I would hope in America we would fire people out of a cannon into the sea before saying shoe-throwing is perfectly cromulent.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference (yeah, I don’t really know what that is, but apparently it’s a big deal) had its Straw Poll, and the big winner:

Mitt Romney!

Yeah, the author of the disaster Massachusetts health care that Obamacare is an imitation of. Plus, I wonder if Barack Obama will have turned people off of having presidents with weird names like “Mitt.”

One vote behind Romney:

Ron Paul!

He was basically putting money to get people to attend the SRLC (tickets cost $150, but he was selling them for $30) in another lame attempt to finally trick us into thinking he has popular support and isn’t just supported by a bunch of cranks.

So things aren’t really looking great for Republicans in 2012 just yet. We really need someone to emerge who doesn’t… well… suck. So if you know anyone you think would be a good president, make sure to tell the Republicans about him/her.

Poll after poll keep showing the Democrats at record low approval. And the Democrats are confused. “We keep kneeing people in the groin, but everyone still doesn’t like us. Maybe we should try urinating on them.” Alan Grayson has even started to go around yelling at people personally (hey, Democrats, come get your Congressman; he’s gotten loose again), but that still hasn’t helped. So here are my ideas to make the Democrats more popular:

FRANK IDEAS TO MAKE DEMOCRATS POPULAR

1. Seppuku
2. Vow of silence
3. Self-immolation
4. Voluntary exile
5. Holding badgers near their face and shaking them
6. Bleach drinking contest
7. Imprisonment
9. Playing in traffic
9. Locking themselves in a building like in Big Brother but don’t film it
10. Choreographed dance number

So, just a few ideas, but the Democrats better getting working on them if they don’t want to get slaughtered in November.

Obama is going to have to appoint a new member of the Supreme Court, and now we need to decide how big a deal we’ll want to make out of it. In all likelihood, Obama is going to pick someone we wouldn’t even want as an American citizen if we had a choice, but since he or she is replacing Stevens it won’t change the make up of the court. It’s pretty much standard now we have four Justices who are like, “The Constitution is an actual thing? I thought it was an intangible concept like happiness.”

I say we make a big deal for these reasons:

1. Politically news has been slow lately, so we have nothing better to do.
2. It should be a big deal when the Constitution is ignored, even if it happens a lot.

So how should we make a big deal?

I know: Civil war. Let’s get so angry about Obama’s pick that we like split up the Union and attack the other side. But we won’t make the same mistakes as the Confederacy as we’ll force the other side to leave the Union so they’ll be in the wrong and we’ll be justified attacking them. Also, we’ll not have slaves.

Again, probably not amount to anything in the end and Obama will get his nominee who will mistake the Constitution for vintage toilet paper, but it could be fun.

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Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

Could our universe be stuck in the black hole of an even larger universe? Sounds wacky, but who knows. The whole universe — quantum physics, dark matter, Democrats — doesn’t make much sense, so Occam’s Razor doesn’t really lead to any simple explanation of all things.

So, what do suppose would be in the larger universe beyond the black hole we’re stuck in? We can approximate the mass of the observable universe and perhaps then get the mass of the black hole we’re in. We can then use the size of that black hole and what we know of this universe as a baseline to calculate what the other universe must be like. And if I got the math correct…

IT’S FILLED WITH GIANT SPACE GORILLAS!!!

Those are like regular gorillas. But much larger. And in space.

Frankly, we’re much safer here in our nice little black hole.

With Republicans looks for big gains this November, many are thinking they need a new “Contract with America” to organize behind. To help out, here’s my proposal for some things that contract could cover.

FRANK J.’S CONTRACT WITH AMERICA

* Anyone who whines about rich people will be set on fire and thrown off a medium-sized building.

* The right to bacon will be put into the Constitution.

* Hippies will be hunted like vermin.

* We will protect the country the only way possible: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers and space lasers.

* New taxes must first be proposed to an angry wolverine named “Ripper” to get his opinion.

* Pants on the ground will be punishable by death.

* New policy: Useless, dimwitted lawyers, instead of being put in charge as politicians, will instead be shot into space to study the effects of space on people we don’t like or need.

* It will be our promise to find out exactly how large and how violent a robot can be.

* Anyone who proposes nanny state laws like banning salt will be stripped of his citizenship and deported to whatever country we currently like the least.

* Before we were worry about obese children, we’ll first handle obese government.

* We’ll return America to its core values: Killing Communists.

Are there going to be any Democrats left in November? Just announced: Bart Stupak is retiring.

Of course, the Tea Party was really looking to get his scalp after his last minute betrayal on the health care bill, so there goes that fun. The Democrats really hate the Tea Party, and it’s pretty easy to see why. Polls of the group keep showing their demographics are the same as Democrats’ least favorite group of all: Americans. Plus, it’s looking like Democrats probably won’t do well in an election in America when Americans really really hate them. Either they’ll have to get non-Americans in here to vote or maybe move to another country and run for office there — which I think is the best solution for everyone.

Anyone, we at IMAO wish Stupak well and hope he enjoys his retirement. What’s the value of thirty pieces of silver without time to spend it?

Apparently, people are calling up health insurance companies wondering when they get their free health care, because, you know, the supporters of Obamacare are smart people.

Anyway, here is the free health care plan info that I got directly from the White House website:

The health care plan does not come fully in effect until 2014.  In 2014, you will get your free health care plan delivered by a unicorn — which is yours to keep FREE just as Obama promised.  When you stroke the unicorn’s horn, it should crap rainbows.  If it doesn’t crap rainbows, we will have a hotline setup for unicorn troubleshooting.  Also, if you are not satisfied with your free health care, we have another number you can call and we’ll send someone to your house to explain to you why you should be satisfied and maybe shake you and yell at you a bit.

So make sure to spread that info around to avoid any further confusion.