On the 19th of this month, the moon with be at its closest to the earth and be a full moon. This makes it… AN EXTREME SUPERMOON!
When this happens, the moon will gain extra moon superpowers other than its usual abilities to reflect sunlight and synchronize its revolution with its rotation. These powers include but are not limited to:
* Weather control
* Telepathy
* Telekinesis
* The power of flight
* The ability to shoot beams from its eyes (if it had eyes)
* The ability to talk to fish (though they won’t necessarily do what the moon tells them, and even if they do they’re still just fish)
This is a good time to remind people that the moon is a threat. Many people think the moon is our friend, but this is not true. The moon is not our friend. The moon never sends us birthday cards or gives us a ride to the airport. It will certainly not help us move. It’s no one’s friend but its own. And when it gets its extreme supermoon superpowers, it will try to figure out how to use them to destroy us. Because once earth is gone, it gets to be the 3rd planet from the sun and gets the pension that goes along with that.
Hmm… so what can we do to stop a threatening moon…
I think we all know what needs to be done….
NUKE IT. Nuke it hard, nuke it long.
Nuke it from orbit and pass out potassium iodide tablets to the survivors.
This is so like the moon. Once, years ago, the moon promised to come over and help me paint my apartment that weekend – right after I loaned it some money to pay its rent. Of course, it never showed up…and I never did get paid back.
* Change it’s gender to “The Woman In the Moon.” Oulala!
* Stop this friggin’ monsoon blasting the Left Coast that keeps me from planting potatoes.
* Induce a 9.5 on the Cascadia Subduction Zone. Bye bye Soviet State of Washington ! Yay!
I am still waiting for the moon to bring back my snow blower.
I’m afraid if we nuke it now while it is super, its going to get even more super powers. Like spiderman only evil.
I think we should wait until it is back to regular wimpy moon and nuke it then.
We may be in trouble here. I’ve heard the extreme supermoon’s powers include nuke resistance.
The ability to talk to fish (though they won’t necessarily do what the moon tells them, and even if they do they’re still just fish)
Yeah you say that now, but when the moon tells one of them there carp to hide out in your cars air vent for a couple of weeks…
The moon just wants a closer view of the messiah.
Wow something close to earth that is larger than Sasquatch’s backside.
I blame global warming.
Zeke, the supermoon’s nuke resistance is only in effect when it is blue too.
Too bad we have “The One” in office, the perfect opportunity to get the worlds attention with the mushroom cloud for all to see.
We could send it a Japanese power plant, Unsuspecting, the moon would open the gift box expecting electricity and…BOOM!!!
Supermoon sounds like what happens when Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell drop trou and bend over.
Nuking the moon is all well and good, but, really, it’s only a flesh wound.
I say we take a leaf out of the book of Raith Sienar and show the moon who’s boss once and for all.
* UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis.
Or do I have the wrong movie?
Maybe if we issue a strongly worded letter expressing our displeasure, it’ll spare us. And threaten it with sanctions.
My suggestion is to nuke the moon, tell Fred Thompson to punch some Scientists!, and GIVE MARKOMANCUSO A CHANCE TO PURCHASE A NUKE THE MOON T-SHIRT.
Help me guys! Forget the whole Super moon thing, I’m trapped at SeaWorld with the one who cannot be named. Use your awesomeness to think me a way out before the shows start
The Moon, back in ’81, borrowed my portable 8-track tape player and a tape of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath before going into its momma’s basement to spark up a few bongloads.
Don’t believe that a big, pale, stash-huffing orb has any power other than to bogart a buddy’s Humboldt County green and flake out on giving his friends a ride down to the Van Halen show.
It will certainly not help us move.
The Pacific Ocean called and said, “Sez you.”
As for becoming the third planet, if Pluto can’t stay a planet, what chance does the Moon have to become one?
No, it’s a plot by Mars. It’s telling the Moon that it’ll be the third planet (with all the privileges) but once the Earth is gone, Mars is the third planet!
Mars learned a lot from Jupiter. The stupid 5th planet let itself be destroyed so Jupiter is now the 5th planet.
In other words, the Moon is just a patsy trying to play big boy games.
By all means, nuke it though. It needs to learn a lesson, but make sure you make Mars pay for its meddling in our affairs.
So, the extreme supermoon happens on the 19th. I expect around the first of April that one will go outside and bow, then tell it to stand down.
So, like when Obama is done causing the oceans to stop rising…can he tell the SuperMoon to back off? Will the SuperMoon listen to SuperDufus?
When the SuperMoon talks to the fish, will AquaMan hear? What will his response be? Somehow I picture him blasting out of the water in a SuperMan like pose to take on the SuperMoon except his pants will be down around his ankles…
Storm…that’s just not right!!!
Now now everyone. I’m sure if we leave behind the policies of the last 8 years and just TALK to the moon, he’ll be reasonable and we’ll win the future together.
That article was a weak attempt by George Bush to blame the moon when everyone knows he caused it, now that we’ve stolen all the oil in the middle east, we’re going to take Japan’s nukes too.
Do all Lunatics become Super Lunatics during a Supermoon? Also, beware the Ides of March. Great Caesar’s ghost.
NEVER, EVER, trust the moon. Everyone knows it has a DARK side.
The telepathy and telekinesis are just Jedi mind tricks it learned from the Forest Moon of Endor.
You know if we didn’t have Global Warming, we wouldn’t have the SuperMoon and all the earthquakes and stuff to deal with! See what happens when you fool with “Mother Earth”? Just sayin’ Waiting for some environmental whako to blame the earthquake on Global Warming…10,9,8,7,6,5,4…
So, did anyone see the correlation analysis a Scientist! did about Supermoons and earthquakes? He claims there’s no significant increase. But I think we’re gonna have a 9.5. I can feel it in me Soviet bones.
Praise the lord and pass the
ammunitionpotassium iodide!!When the anti-nuke people get going (again) they’ll make the Global
WarmingClimate Change ‘debate’ people look like amateurs.According to the people who spent their lives protesting here when they built Seabrook in NH, we should all be dead now anyway.
That was hmmmmmmm…30 years ago.
In the eight years before construction started at Seabrook, residents had opposed the plant….
Several small demonstrations at the site occurred in the lead-up to a massive occupation of Seabrook. More than 2,000 members of the Clamshell Alliance occupied the site in April, 1977. 1,414 of the activists were arrested and held for two weeks after they refused bail. Over a period of thirteen years, from 1976 to 1989, over 4,000 citizens “committed nonviolent civil disobedience at Seabrook in the effort to stop nuclear power”. (and increase “global warming”)
OT: If you haven’t seen the latest episode of the Onion News Network on IFC, someone took Frank’s idea of the ideal poitician being one dragged kicking and screaming into politics and ran with it.
so what can we do to stop a threatening moon
Keith Olbermann isn’t doing anything. Maybe he can bore it to death.
Faster then a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings with a single bound! Up in the sky, look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Suuupermoon!”
Message from the Moon’s glow queen Luunee: “Frank if you don’t shut up I am sending sHrillary Fart Balls in gigantic blimpmobiles that will pulvarize you into madness”
Oh no! Look out! Moon Beams! AAaaargh!
Extreme supermoon across the sky! Wow man!
“GIVE MARKOMANCUSO A CHANCE TO PURCHASE A NUKE THE MOON T-SHIRT.”
Exactly! Give us all a chance to purchase Nuke The Moon t-shirts. The reason the moon is going super and threathening us is because there aren’t enough Nuke The Moon t-shirts. Naturally, the moon sees this, gets real uppidy on us and knows this is it’s golden chance to go super on us and steal our bacon. If the moon saw all those Nuke The Moon t-shirts, it would think long and hard about the consequences of crossing us and trying to steal our precious bacon.
Yes, I blame Frank!