According to a new poll, Obama is not doing so well against a generic Republican, losing by 5 point (44 to 39). As always, this seems like good new to Tim Pawlenty, who is about as generic as you get and has pretty much no distinguishing characteristics. So does that mean we should go with a generic Republican like him? It’s hard to say, because they never poll Obama versus an unspecified, non-generic Republican. To really get some data, they need to do some polls of Obama versus…
…a cyborg Republican.
…a kung fu master Republican.
…an Amazon warrior princess Republican.
…a half man, half bear, half pig Republican.
…a mad scientist Republican.
…a pirate Republican.
…a Republican riding a grizzly bear.
…an interdimensional alien being Republican.
…a mutant with superpowers Republican.
…a T-Rex with a human brain Republican.
…a laser gun-wielding viking from the future Republican.
…a Republican with a jaunty hat.
When we see how Obama does versus all those different type Republicans, we can then better determine what sort of Republican we need to find to easily beat Obama. Some genetic manipulation may be required. Also, we may need to purchase a hat.
What sort of Republican do you want to see Obama polled against?
…a huge Paul Bunyan axe-wielding Republican who chops-down government
…a Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man Republican who boils Democrats in hot marshmallow
…a Godzilla Republican with an attitude in Democrat districts
…a Tesla Republican with a big Tesla coil on his head that shoots lightning at Democrats
(I have no clue why I thought of these.)
I would say a Ninja Republican.. but you couldn’t see him. I would settle for a Viking Republican, that would be cool.
…a half man, half bear, half pig Republican.
No such thing exists, because this kind of math is only possible for liberals. Also, Republicans would have turned the pig “half” into bacon long ago. (Mmm, bacon . . .)
– A boxing Kangaroo Republican
– Marko’s German Shepherd Dog (by a landslide!)
– A Republican box of rocks
– A generic junk-musketing soldier from the Revolutionary War
– Republican belly button lint
– The Banana Split that looked like a dog (We’d have to change Hail to the Chief to the Banana Splits song. This would make press conferences much more fun: Tra la la tra la la la! Tra la la tra la la la! One banana, two banana, three banana four!)
So, what this Gallup poll really tells us is that voters want a nominee that acts like “a Republican”…which means a conservative.
A: The MSM wants republicans to think that any old republican can beat Obama, so that republicans will nominate some safe, squishy, compromising, RINO, moderate republican, who will lose to Obama because the TEA Party republicans will vote for RON PAUL!!1!11!!.
I would like to see how Obama polls against Hillary Clinton.
A hot babe around 55 years old from Minnesota Republican!
A hot babe from Alaska Republican!
* A Republican who picks his guitar like Doc Watson.
* Chesty Puller!
* The corpse of Abraham Lincoln.
Avatar Republican (nicktoon series, not blue freaks)
Vampire Republican
Crabby! You nailed it!
A BACON Republican.
A #$&*^#* conservative @#&*^@#* Republican for a @&*#^@* change.
COURTESY OF MARKOMANCUSO POLLING PREDICTIONS
Obama leads a cyborg Republican by 20 points. Americans do not trust computers. Are we cavemen?
A kung fu master Republican leads Obama by 1,302,112 points.
An Amazon warrior princess Republican leads Obama by 220,989,327 points.
A half man, half bear, half pig Republican leads Obama by 3 points.
Obama leads a mad scientist Republican by 7 points. The media has naturally trumped up many accusations against the mad scientist Republican. However, is there anything truly wrong with using babies to test viruses?
Obama leads a pirate Republican by 5.5 points as Americans are sick of Jerry Bruckheimer.
A Republican riding a grizzly bear leads Obama by so many points I can’t count them all. This is unsurprising; only Reagan himself could ride a grizzly bear.
An interdimensional alien being Republican leads Obama by 25 points. Americans also add that we should kill the alien and eliminate the deficit by selling the autopsy video.
Obama leads a mutant with superpowers Republican by 40 points. When will Americans shed their prejudices?
A T-Rex with a human brain Republican leads Obama by 13 points. Americans don’t fear the T-Rex because he has tiny arms.
A laser gun-wielding viking from the future Republican leads Obama by 73 points.
Obama leads a Republican with a jaunty hat by 5 points. There is nothing more unlike generic Tim Pawlenty than a Republican with a jaunty hat.
Marko,
I believe that figure for “a mutant with superpowers Republican” is somewhat misleading. From the data I’ve seen, while that figure does, in fact, apply when asked about a generic mutant, when asked about any particular mutant the mutant won by big margins.
Chuck Norris’ poop leads Obama by 97 points. There is of course a +or- error factor of 3%
I’m with Mxymaster, lets try a true, small-government (while some Republicans propose going back to 2008 spending levels, I propose 1808 levels), liberty-loving, gun-toting, hard-money, get-out-of-my-life small “r” republican Republican. Only the totally brainwashed Obama zombies could reject such a candidate. Oh yeah, and the media.
Or Ron Paul, he’s in the ballpark area of an ideal candidate.
Or we can nuke the site from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.
“MARKOMANCUSO POLLING PREDICTIONS” don’t sound very Scientific! to me! I demand Science! Where’s your Science! man?
a republican with 51% of the electoral college vote
* Cranky old senior citizen Republican
* Captain Pike – well known republican but would require that debates only ask yes or no questions.
* Bikini model Republican
* Oiled bikini model Republican
* Oiled bikini model Republican straddling a Harley…
…
…I’ll be in my bunk.
So many good ideas, FormerHostage. I like the oiled bikini model on a Harley; however, I see a major flaw. On the one hand, she’d distract all male lawmakers from making laws and spending money. On the other hand, that’d leave the wheels of government in the hands of Barney Frank and Barbara Boxer.
She wouldn’t distract me! I hate Harleys!
Jimmy, Science! is Greek for Satan! – pass the word around.
We need Frankenstein Science! for our Republican. The hippy face punching powers of Fred Thompson, the wit of Frank, the commie killing powers of Chuck Norris, the conservativisim of Reagan, the grizzly riding and moose killing powers of Palin, the snark of Ann Coulter, the budget cutting power of Bachman, and Herman Cain’s common sense. Nice start atleast.
My handle, “innominatus” is Latin for “generic” or “too trivial to merit a proper name.” Also, while Republicans piss me off as often as they don’t, I am still registered as one. What I’m trying to make clear is that this poll is about ME.
I will beat The One. ‘Cuz, I’m pretty sure it’s like my destiny or something.
storm1911’s Frankenscience!
Hmm a bacon republican. I could maybe support someone like that.
Marko, I agree! I hate Harley’s too! Now an oiled Republican in a Bikini from Minnesota on a Ducati Diavel…boner!!!
Calvin Coolidge’s corpse.
All I can say is any Republican….any f**king Republican has my vote. I don’t care if it’s a man, or woman, black or white, Asian-American, Homo-American, or any other hyphenated American. From the south, from the north, it don’t matter to me. He,she, or it has my vote. Anything would be better than what we have now.
ussjimmycarter –
A bikini from Minnesota? Bikinis come from Minnesota?
Me, I’d like a Republican who is sane (so forget about Ron Paul) and in favor of small government (scratch Mitt Romney, based on his actions as governor of Massachusetts), has substantial executive branch experience (governor of a state, mayor of a big city, substantial responsibility in the military – there goes Santorum and Bachmann). I can’t keep track of the Republican candidates because I’m too busy making sure there’s beer in my refrigerator (and in me), but
I think that I’m left with Pawlenty, Huntsman, and, if either announces, Palin and Christie.
Marko and USSJC,
it doesn’t have to be a Harley. In fact, SCIENCE! has proved that when looking at a picture of an oiled bikini babe it takes the average American male 5.85 minutes to even notice that she is in fact not nekkid much less what she is or is not straddling. But, in the spirit of good will I will change my suggestion thus:
Oiled bikini model Republican riding a horse through the surf in ultra slow motion.
So, when is this Gene Eric Republican going to announce his campaign?
I like him already!
Gene Eric, Ron Paul, Herman Cain… lots of candidates with 2 first names this season.
Is it a conspiracy?
I don’t care what Crabby says, I like the half, half, half guy. That’s 150% and all for the price of one. But, you could say we have that now in Obama, Biden, and Hillary and that’s giving Biden the benifit of the doubt.
In 1972 Richard Nixon won 49 out of 50 states but the ‘Libertarian-ists’ of that day were the George McGovern voters. In fact many Lib-Tarians today claim that the McGovern was the Conservative!? #^&%?
In 1980 Ronald Reagan won 44 States leaving only 6 to the Liberals and the Libertarians and John Birchers who disliked him.
In 1984, despite between vicously HATED by the Liberals and the Libertarians and other Kooks Ronald Reagan won 49 out of 50 States.
In 1988 Papa Bush won 40 States (while Ron Paul collected about 1/10 of 1% of the vote) and the Liberals got a measly 6 States. And of course the Libertarians HATED Papa Bush even more than they hated Reagan but he still won.
And the moral of this story is:
The people who seem to be running the show for the Republicans today were on the LOOSING side of the electoral map for over 40 years.
I think in the final Poll Obama will do just fine against any Republican running, except Mitt Romney, who as we all know is a RINO! At least Romney has the capability (like Nixon, Reagan and Papa Bush who won massive landslides) to draw off some Democrat voters.
… a Republican with an awesome ‘stache?