Archive of entries posted on November 2011

Nuke the News: Serious Concerns

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* So a D.C. court upheld Obama’s health care law. The opinion was basically, “Yeah, it infringes on personal liberty but, eh, that happens.” Maybe we need to add something to the Constitution that emphasizes that individual liberty is important… like some sort of rights bill.

* A U.N agency says that Iran’s nuclear program raises “serious concerns.” Serious concerns about what? Oh yeah: Them nuking stuff. That is kind of serious. Of course, no one takes me seriously when I suggest nuking the moon. I can’t tell you how many classified Pentagon meetings I’ve been laughed out of. “Aren’t you just one of the caterers?” they always say. And they never compliment the muffins I made.

* Did you know there are elections on odd numbered years? I sure didn’t. Apparently there was some pro-union victory in Ohio. Why do we still have unions? I thought we traded in the concept of using corrupt union bosses to keep your jobs for the concept of just being good at your job. Should I be in a union? Have I been good at my job all this time to no purpose?

* A rugby players had a stroke and turned gay. So that’s a warning sign to look for. You may think if you’re having a stroke you’d be feeling miserable, but you may in fact instead feel fabulous.

* The federal government is going to test its emergency broadcast system today which will allow it to interrupt any broadcast with an annoying beep — so way better than getting your show interrupted for an Obama speech.

Random Thoughts

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Google News gave me a platinum badge in reading stories about videogames. I’m a highly informed person.

Cain: Might be a hound dog. Kinda inept at politics. But he still has the advantage of not being Romney.

Number one characteristic GOP is looking for in a candidate is him not being Romney, but they’re still willing to compromise on that.

“…,Natural Flavors, Citric Acid, Freshness Insurance (To Insure Freshness), Gum Arabic,…”

I have voted for Democrats before, but only in uncontested races for the purpose of me being able to claim I’m not a party line voter.

Actually, in a red district, I did vote to reelect the Democrat tax collector — the only incumbent Democrat on the ballot — as it seemed like a job for one.

lolterizt! Part 144

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Hunter:

[See production note #2, please]

From James:

From Kris:

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From me (Harvey):

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From me (Harvey):

From Arik:

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Capt Midnight:

[reference link]

From Hunter:

From Mxymaster:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

I thought they were all fairly mainstream this week, although I haven’t actually read a Beetle Bailey comic in about 25 years, so maybe Arik?

Or possibly Capt Midnight for actually knowing the name of the host of “Pimp My Ride”.

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Stuffing the Stockings

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IMAO reader WyoScotch recently brought to my attention a project going on in the Lexington, NC area. The full story hehind it is here, but here’s a summary:

The 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit was recently deployed off the African coast for a longer-than-normal period of time. Because of the expense, there’s no money in the unit’s budget for some of the usual Christmas activities, so their families have started a project to ensure they get something at Christmastime. And, because of the logistics, they’ve got to make this happen by next Monday, the 14th.

It seems a worthwhile project to me, so I’m going to help. If you think it’s something you want to help with, you can find more details on how to help on their Facebook page.

Here’s more about it, with a “how-to” and suggestions:
Continue reading ‘Stuffing the Stockings’ »

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Nuke the News: Obama Versus Prayer and Guns

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* I have a new New York Post column. In it, I show that the double standard in the media is actually because the media loves us and thinks little of liberals.

“If there is a whiff of scandal — no matter how flimsy the evidence — the media will work overtime to see if there is anything to the scandal, because the media expect perfection from conservatives. That’s how much they believe in them.”

Actually, I’m just kind of tired about all the whining about the double standard. We get it. It’s been going on for like forever. And we’ve been succeeding despite it.

Hey, look! There’s now a picture of me on the online version (my picture has been accompanying my column in the physical paper for a while). Now you can just look at me and know it’s going to be a super smart column before you even start reading it.

* Things aren’t looking good for Cain. We actually have some specifics now. I’m not sure if it’s anything illegal, but it’s creepy if true. And even if it isn’t true, it looks like the end of Cain-mentum as he just doesn’t have the scandal-handling skills. Politics is for politicians, unfortunately.

Anyway, we know we’re going to nominate Romney and we can’t stop that, but I’m still willing to pretend we can get someone else. All we have left are Perry, who has a good resume but sounds like a drunk idiot in the debates, and Newt Gingrich, who’s smart except for some glaring flubs and has some weird past of his own. Do you know how Newt asked to divorce his wife while she was dying of cancer? Of course you do… even though it didn’t actually happen.

Grr… I hate Romney, but maybe he can have a fun VP pick like McCain did. Yay fun VP pick!

* Even if it means Romney as president, it still will be awesome to see Obama kicked out of the White House, at least. Right now, his administration is on record opposing adding FDR’s prayer to the WWII memorial. Here’s what Obama said about that:

“Prayers are the leading cause of bitterness and clinginess, so I oppose them in all venues. Mmm… waffles.”

Well, I don’t know if he actually said that, but we can safely assume he did at some fundraiser where press wasn’t allowed. One with a waffle bar.

* So what has Occupy Wall Street been up to lately? They’ve been using children as human shields to block traffic. Not great, not great. They’ve had a lice outbreak. Also not optimal. But have they gotten any of their demands met… or figured out what those demands are? That does not appear to be so. But rest assure they’ll stay put until… something.

The whole “We’re the 99%” slogan does seem like a desperate reassurance they’re not fringe weirdos.

* There’s talk that Eric Holder may use the Fast and Furious hearing to push for gun control. Well, here’s my idea to reduce gun deaths: Let’s get rid of this administration and replace it with one that won’t sell gun to Mexican drug cartels. That’s so crazy it just might work!

* Crowder visits Occupy Wall Street. If you’ve always wanted to see Crowder argue for Communism to a bystander, here you go:

* My book, Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything, will be out in one more week. Make sure you tell everyone about it. Everyone. And it’s only a $1.99, so no excuses will be accepted for not having bought it. Even if you don’t have a reader, you can read it on your computer screen or even in the in-browser reader Amazon offers. You are going to buy it on November 15th and then read it and then write a glowing review on every website that accepts them and then tell everyone you can find about it. That’s how it’s going to be, so just go ahead and keep November 15th clear.

Random Thoughts

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I don’t get this focus on income inequality. Are we supposed to feel bad for a millionaire when he’s compared to a billionaire?

Compare our “poor” to the poor from other nations. Let’s all just be happy in this country we all have more than our “fair share”.

I use Pandora for music to listen to while writing, so if you notice a darker edge to my words, it’s because of the constant Jack & Jill ads.

Nuke the News: Science Hard, No Free Food, and Bearmaggedon

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* So what did Herman Cain do to sexually harass a woman? The accuser won’t tell us. She wants us to know it’s bad, but won’t tell us what exactly it was. Some are calling this a high-tech lynching, but it’s kind like a lynching where no one behind it knows how to tie a knot.

* Study shows we’re falling behind in science and engineering because getting those degrees is hard. Well, as someone who successfully got an engineering degree from one of the toughest schools out there — Carnegie Mellon University — I have this to say: Ha! The more of you who drop the degree, the less engineers there are in the workforce, and the more I get paid. So I have trouble seeing this as a problem. If anything, I want engineering to be harder to get into. Same thing for blogging and being a columnist.

* New Occupy Wall Street: Free food from McDonald’s. When someone had the gall to ask an Occupier to pay for his food, he threw a huge fit and started breaking things. Hey, that give me an idea for a great new mascot for OWS.

* John Hawkins has started a new website: Not Mitt Romney. I have no idea what it’s about.

* The Obama administration has denied that it has any knowledge of extraterrestrial life. Kind of weird they just suddenly came out and said that. Especially as an unknown object hurtles towards earth. And who was that guy standing behind Obama smoking a cigarette while the announcement was made?

Oh, it was just Mark Block.

* Here’s yet another accusation against Herman Cain for sexual harassment. This time it’s from Sunny and she does have details:

* Wisdom of the Day: “Several women now claim Herman Cain exposed himself, raped them and had oral sex with an intern … oh, sorry, that’s Bill Clinton.” –Ann Coulter

* There’s a new web comic out from the artist behind Axe Cop: Bearmaggedon. This time, Ethan Nicole is writing it himself instead of farming out that job to a five-year-old. From the title image, it looks like it’s still going to be full of awesomeness. It’s already posed a great question: Who would win in a fight between a gorilla and a grizzly bear? I tried that on SarahK, and it’s quite a stumper. I kind of want to give the edge to the bear since it has sharp claws, though.

Also, I wish someone would actually make the game that appears on this page. Man, it would relieve so much stress to be able to beat up all of nature.

Anyway, new page comes out every Wednesday and Friday. Check it out and support the arts.

Random Thoughts

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I still don’t get the big certainty Cain has no chance considering his leading in the polls. When are his numbers supposed to collapse? Cain still leads in the polls but has a 5.5% at Intrade, so everyone is super sure he’s going to collapse. But do they have a timeline?

Well, let’s just hope it’s not after the primary.

I wonder if the National Restaurant Association has the problem of heavily armed people showing up who went to the wrong meeting.

I forget: Do we all generally believe Bill Clinton is a rapist or not?

Are we really going to vote for Herman Cain who allegedly did an unwanted unknown thing to an unknown person?

It’s hard when Buttercup is sick because she’s not old enough to understand the phrase “Suck it up!”

If I cared who won the LSU/Alabama game… it would still be pretty boring.

There was so much kicking in that LSU/Alabama game it was easy to mistake it for European football.

The Week in Doug

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From the audio files:

1) “…Now stop and compare [what Reagan said] to the party of Obama… You’ve got a President today who does everything possible to do the opposite – to divide America…”

2) “…The Green Jobs agenda, takes billions of dollars, your dollars, taxpayer dollars, and it takes that money to destroy existing jobs. And it replaces the existing jobs with jobs that are in the politically-favored businesses…”

3) “…I’ve always been troubled by the idea that a woman could ruin a man, or attempt to, anonymously, and the media will be completely complicit in her anonymous attempt…”

4) “…The important thing here is that this never even rose to the level of becoming a lawsuit… The general counsel for the Restaurant Association… conduct their investigation – what do they learn? They learn that the [accusations] are baseless…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Obama has achieved only one real ‘success,’ and that is the absolute socialistic legislation of Obamacare, that is a death-curse on this country.”

2) “This is what we call Obama math: he wants to use tax dollars – that are confiscated from you – to pay for their privilege of destroying jobs.”

3) “My advice to Herman Cain: if there’s no blue dress, ignore the press.”

4) “The best thing Karl Rove could do for the Republican Party is to go advise some Democrats.”

5) “It’s not so much that we’re not better off than we were 4 years ago as it is that we’re not any better off than we were $4 trillion ago.”

6) “I’m fascinated by Hugo Chavez, because when you watch things down in Venezuela, you see a preview of what the Obama administration would like to do if they thought they could get away with it.”

7) “White House staff are crediting Michelle Obama for their weight loss. Maybe it’s because Michelle keeps getting to the buffet table first and there’s nothing left.”

8) “Global warming is the tool the fascists use to make their dream – or nightmare – become a reality, and I hear, behind the door of this stuff, the chains and shackles rattling.”

9) “This whole idea of anthropogenic global warming, this is, my dear friends, the greatest fraud in modern human history. The left needs a crisis structure to use to control you, to decide who gets the money and who doesn’t, who makes the money and who pays – all by government force.”

10) “No word yet on whether Cain drove off a bridge drunk with one of the women and let her drown. Also no word on whether Cain was running a male-prostitution ring out of his basement.”

Also waiting to hear if he’s posted nude pictures of himself on the internet or fathered a child out of wedlock.

By the way, that 4th audio clip is very good. Doug takes his film-producer’s imagination and paints a vivid picture of how the discussion between the accuser, her lawyer, and the National Restarant Association probably went. It’s very “yup, that sounds about right.”

I did it, I need to fix it

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I did a couple of Blazing Saddles posts recently, using clips from the movie to try to make some funneh. It’s easier to make funneh when it’s someone else’s funneh and all you have to do it rearrange it and put your name on it.

Anyway, the second video had more naughty language in it than the first video. In fact, the first video didn’t have any naughty language in it. Unless you count farts. Well, there was one word that throws a whole bunch of people into hissy fits, but I clipped it on the version of the video I posted here. I probably should have just edited that whole old lady response out entirely.

Anyway, that second clip? Lots of naughty words. Most of the clips that went along with the points about Democrats I was making included naughty language: the choir singing, the townsfolk calling BS, and the list of bad people. Perhaps I shouldn’t have made that video. But, I did. And I posted it here.

The point of all this? Don’t take those two recent videos as the okay to vary from the PG-13 nature of this Website. Harvey reminds you of this every time he does a lolbama or a lolterizt post and asks for submissions.

If those videos have made you think it’s okay to push the envelope, then you missed my point. I just want to make sure we don’t go overboard. After all, one day, Little Princess Buttercup with get on the internets and read these posts. You don’t want to have to explain yourself, do you?

I’m already working on my excuses.

Who’s gonna lose, week 10

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Following another stellar week of picking who’s gonna lose in college football, I stand at a perfect 100% with my picks. If only the teams I picked were as good in carrying out my picks.

Some of you don’t care for college football or these picks. I’m thinking it might be because Herman Cain didn’t sexually harass you. I’ll put in a call and see what I can do to fix that. At a minimum, I’ll see if I can get Mark Block to blow smoke in your face.
Continue reading ‘Who’s gonna lose, week 10’ »

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Nuke the News: Human Mitt, Removing Allah’s Curse, and Atheist Commandments

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* A mere 80,000 jobs were added in October, which is too bad because it’s 80,001 people who are out of work.

No, wait; it’s more than that.

* Mitt Romney said, “I’ve been as consistent as human beings can be.” Actually, his exact quote was, “I have followed well-established consistency norms of my fellow humanoids. Please update my core belief parameters.”

* More stuff keeps emerging about the Herman Cain scandal… well more stuff other than any solid details such as what he supposedly did or to whom. But we have a timeline. About fifteen years ago, an unknown something may have happened. Do we really want a presidential candidate where something something something?

Well, maybe more details will pop up… or we’ll just have this vagueness forever. Still, Herman Cain’s polls are on the rise. The pundit elite still think he has no chance, so I guess his polls should crater eventually. But when exactly is that supposed to happen?

* So Obama is hugging Islamists now. Well, I guess that’s better than bowing.

I guess.

* A popular sheikh in Egypt has declared of Christian Copts: “Allah’s curse on them.”

I once got Allah’s curse on me. I just glanced over one day and there it was on my shoulder. And I started jumping around yelling, “Get it off! Get it off!” But it doesn’t come off easy. I had to do a lot of scrubbing and then soaked in tomato juice to get off the smell.

Man, you really don’t want Allah’s curse on you.

* Amazon says it will now collect sales tax if asked, but it will charge for it, taking 2.9% of taxes collected. I’m stuck between admiring their capitalistic spirit and my hatred of taxes. I think hatred of taxes will win out.

* Crowder went amongst the Occupy Wall Street crowd, and will have the full video Monday. Here’s a teaser for it with an appearance by one of OWS’s most famous protesters:

* Penn Jillette has his ten commandments for atheists. I like Penn Jillette (and his new show on Discovery is pretty cool), but he neatly illustrates what I find so frustratingly illogical about atheists. Many atheists are quick to point out they’re for good moral values — and I don’t doubt them on that — but to be consistent, don’t they have to prove out why those values are a good idea? Shouldn’t each commandment Penn lists be followed with mathematical proof of how this will always lead to a benefit for the individual? Instead, atheists pick values based on what they think feel like good ideas, i.e., they’re not logically proving things out but are instead making irrational leaps. And if you have a bunch of values that aren’t logically proven, how is that different from a religion? Well, the way I’d say atheists’ values are different from more established religions is that they’re made on a flimsier basis and are much more arbitrary. It’s not that atheists don’t have religion; they have irrational beliefs too — they just lack any strong foundation for them. And mostly they piggy back on the values other religions have promoted.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Did it hurt when you fell from a lab where science is studied which has rendered religion obsolete? (Atheist pick-up line)” –Megan Amram

Random Thoughts

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“Do you like using violence to keep people from criticizing Islam? Do you like not being eradicated? Which do you like more?”

Criticize Occupy Wall Street all you want, but they sure would be raising a lot of attention for their cause if they had one.

So how many vague, unspecified allegations equals one specific, sourced allegation?

If you get Allah’s curse on you, you may need to bathe in tomato juice to get it off.

I think Republicans would respect Romney’s honesty if he were more forthright about being a liar.

Anytime now, another person won’t emerge that Herman Cain did vague unknown things to.

You think where there’s smoke, there’s fire, but so far this is a lot of second hand accounts of someone else seeing smoke.

Buy one copy of my book, and the second copy is only $1.99!

Right now, the accusations against Herman Cain are about as specific as the demands of Occupy Wall Street.

It’s cool to have stuff to pimp. Makes me feel like a big shot. An insufferable, pestering big shot.

Nuke the News: Cain Train Pain, Second Look at Newt, and Marines Versus Romans

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* There’s a new New York Post column by me. It’s about whether Americans are just too sissy for freedom anymore. Well, I know IMAO readers aren’t, but maybe others.

* So, things aren’t going so well for Herman Cain. More allegations are popping up, and while we still don’t know exactly who he did things to or what he supposedly did, it’s enough noise now that more and more people are assuming something is there. Could someone with allegations against him like these stand up to Obama? We know Obama doesn’t sexually harass us. He patronizes us, belittles us, and at times ignores us, but never sexually harasses us.

* So if Cain is imploding, which not-Romney do we go to next? Perry still just can’t gain traction, so SECOND LOOK AT NEWT! Sure his past is a bit shaky and there was that odd criticism of Paul Ryan’s plan, but he’s also so smart… most of the time. We’d love to see him slap around Obama in the debates. Come on, people; let’s keep believing. We can have a not-Romney future!

* A problem with Newt, though — he’s gotten into a spat with a powerful enemy: Meghan McCain. We know Newt has a powerful intellect, but can it stand up to that of Meghan McCain? I don’t know. Maybe we should move on.

* According to the White House, no one would be even talking about jobs if it weren’t for Obama’s jobs bill. Those guys really live in some alternate universe. And it’s not like they learn anything interesting from that universe that will help this one.

Then again, maybe people aren’t talking about jobs because there are none to talk about.

* Well, Occupy Oakland has basically turned into rioters, but it’s all for a good cause of DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY’RE TRYING TO ACHIEVE?

Well, OWS’s favorabilities are cratering, but it’s all to help them achieve… something.

* The Time Magazine bureau chief said that the French magazine that got firebombed by Muslims had it coming. Shouldn’t someone with such a cowardly and callous attitude towards the right to free speech be shunned by any respected publication?

Oh yeah; he’s writing at Time.

* Apparently people have been exploring the question of whether a single Marine unit could destroy the Roman empire at its height. It might even become a movie.

Something to consider: While the Marines’ modern weaponry would decimate the Romans, in this scenario they’re stuck back in time so they wouldn’t be able to resupply bullets or gas for tanks.

So, any Marines want to weigh in? Any Romans?

Random Thoughts

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Things often overwhelm and underwhelm, but seldom do things just whelm.

I’ve been using a beta version of the new gmail for awhile so I’d be less upset when forced to switch to it.

Dinosaurs were just too awesome to stick around. They were like the show Firefly.

Distaraptor divided by timearaptor equals velociraptor.

Someone has to be geeky enough to point out that the raptors actually cancel out in my equation.

I support double standards. I expect better behavior out of conservatives than I do liberals.

If someone like Ted Kennedy was tolerated in the GOP, I would never have had anything to do with them.