So, if the government shuts down, will it be total anarchy and the only rule of law will be my own shotgun? I’m ambivalent on that.

Is that how it was when the government shut down in 1995? I can’t remember because I was but a wee child of 16.

So, got this show pitch. It’s like Breaking Bad… but it’s about Hillary Clinton’s quest for high office.

I’ve never seen Breaking Bad; I just figure you want to throw that into your show pitches.

I’m not for the government shutdown if they’re just going to start it up again.

Been so many recent shows that could have been about the Incredible Hulk: Smash, Anger Management, Breaking Bad

With government shutdown, there will be no food for zoo animals and thus the human thing will be to EXECUTE THEM IN FRONT OF SCHOOLCHILDREN.

While the government is shut down, we’ll have to do our own assassinations of foreign leaders.

If the government shuts down, we’ll only have about a month to start it back up again before things become exactly like Road Warrior.

Life is an adventure. With RPG elements.

If you visited any webpage during the ’50s, you were inundated with popup ads for cigarettes.

I’d like a nuclear weapon. I wouldn’t use it; I’d just like the teenagers in the neighborhood to know I have it.

It’s an understanding by everyone in the military that if their paychecks are even a day late, it’s a coup.

The reason everyone hates Obamacare is that it’s so awesome that everyone gets self-esteem issues when standing next to it.

If the government shutdown isn’t resolved within a week, President Obama will starve to death.

When has a speech from Obama not solved everything?

Government sure is awful. Let’s put it in charge of everything.

Obama shouldn’t make people wait. You have to be someone important to get away with something like that.

If the government is shut down, then whose job will it be to violate the Constitution?

If the media weren’t a bunch of biased, liberal weenies, they’d constantly pelt Obama with rotten tomatoes every time he spoke.

If we want to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest government shutdown, how many days do we need to aim for?

What if it’s one of those trick governments where you think you shut it down but it just comes back on?

*looks for escape clause in social contract*

Still haven’t seen any of Breaking Bad; so did cooking meth to pay for medical bills end up being a better or worse idea than Obamacare?

Finally got an iPhone. How long until a new one comes out and I stop feeling good about myself?

Everyone is clear that when the government shuts down, American currency stops working, right?

What’s all this talk about a government hoedown?

So is the shutdown going to be like the sequester where they act like it’s a big deal and then everyone forgets about it?

I’m not a low-information voter; I’m too lazy to vote. I’m just a low-information pundit.

Why does Siri keep telling me to kill people? Wait, this isn’t an iPhone; it’s just a block of wood.

I’m flying today; the government is not involved in that right?

Tried the game Animal Crossing, but first two play attempts were not during normal business hours and there’s nothing to do.

Accidentally drank something with pro-oxidants in it. Nearly died from oxid.

This iPhone sure is nifty. It makes me feel like a Star Trek man from the future. Who wears the uniform ironically.

Since I don’t think I’ll ever get around to seeing the movie, is there a novelization of Precious?

What’s the chance that Precious joke wasn’t done multiple times years ago?

Fight for surface equality!

Landings would be a lot less rough if they just slowed the plane down to 30 mph before touching ground.

So how long can we go without government before we die of governmentlessness?

I hate my iPad now since it doesn’t have Touch ID.

I’m on the See’s Candies diet. When I sees candies, I eat ’em.

Due to a gypsy curse, I need a constant intake of coffee to keep any semblance of my humanity.

As part of the shutdown, power and water have been turned off for the White House. Obama and family are now at a Motel 6.

Trying to make my catchphrase, “Screw you! I’m Frank!” Not really pulling it off.

As with the sequester, I get the feeling the president is actively trying to make the American people suffer… which is kind of disturbing.

Because of the government shutdown, there is no money for Biden’s handlers and now he’s wandering the streets biting people.

Security is poking anyone in the eyes who tries to look at the Washington Monument because shutdown.

On your resume, make sure to include what level you’re on in Candy Crush.

So are journalists going to call Obama on all this shutdown nonsense, or is that our job?

The absolutely last thing Obama wants right now is for no one to suffer. No one disputes that, right?

Obama seems like a supervillian right now, trying to devise new ways to make Americans suffer. “Now I’ll spook the stock market!”

RIP Tom Clancy. He made great video games.

I bet that stupid cancer kid never once attended the cowboy poetry festival.

What’s it called if you only eat animals that are vegetarian?

So what’s the slogan for the iPhone 5C? “Not as good as the other iPhone.”

The iPhone 5C: “Finally, an iPhone for lesser people.”

The iPhone 5C: “When you want to tell the world ‘I couldn’t afford a hundred dollars more.'”

The iPhone 5C: “The cheap, plastic iPhone for smelly poor people.”

Isn’t Dana Bash the alter-ego of She-Hulk?

I am not an experienced business traveler, and I have no desire to become one.

For you investment gurus: What sort of investments do you recommend when the president is trying to crash the stock market?

I’m a little panicked; just because of the government shutdown, the government isn’t now spending less than it takes in, right?

So is it the government that has the Space Mountain ride? Oh, that’s Disneyland. Disneyland is still open, right?

If the government is so set on getting money from young people to pay for health care, why don’t they just sell them weed?

Or are kids into meth these days?

Because of the shutdown, Obama canceled my daughter’s birthday party. Can he do that?

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Duckling #AddaWordRuinaMovie

The Matrix Reloaded #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Patton Oswalt #AddaWordRuinaMovie

“What’s happening? WHAT’S HAPPENING?! Kill it with fire! NO! STOP! THAT’S JUST MAKING MORE OF IT!” -discoverer of popcorn

“We’re stranded on an uninhabited planet; you don’t have to signal your turns.”

This shutdown has been kind of hard on me. I need the government up and running so I can make fun of it.

The thing I’ve learned from comparing insects in Idaho to insects in Florida is that humidity is apparently the key to large bugs.

First two episodes of SHIELD were pretty fun, but none of the characters other than Coulson are very interesting.

Actually, the hacker chick annoys me.

I can’t believe the things kids listen to these days like Wheels on the Bus and Old MacDonald; they call that music?