Archive of entries posted on January 2014

Obama Warned Us – Helping Business

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I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone,” the president asserted, “and I can use that pen to sign executive orders and take executive actions and administrative actions that move the ball forward in helping to make sure our kids are getting the best education possible, to make sure that our businesses are getting the kind of support and help they need to grow and advance, to make sure that people are getting the skills that they need to get those jobs that our businesses are creating.

BARACK OBAMA, Press Conference, Jan. 14, 2014

“To make sure that any business over a ‘certain size’ is asphyxiated by the glob of inpenetrable regulations that I shove down its throat.”

Happy MLK Day

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The President, being a human who likes to strip away our rights, has big plans for Human Rights Day.  Here are some of the things he has on the agenda as he celebrates today:

  • Host the annual MLK White House Bo-BQ.  (It is BYOB, bring your own Bo.  He doesn’t like to share)
  • Go to the Antique Roadshow and get an appraisal for his collection of vintage race cards
  • Finally sit at the back of the bus with the cool kids
  • Carefully review the text in the teleprompter before his speech this year and make sure autocorrect didn’t change MLK to MILF again
  • Formally announce that the White House will be renamed because it is offensive to Caucasians.  For the next 6 months it will be called the Verizon House.  During periods of time when a paid endorsement cannot be obtained, it will be called the European-American House
  • Try and settle on the ideal date to celebrate national BHO Day, also known as Human Bondage Day
  • In anticipation of Human Bondage Day, play master and servant with Bill, the interns and Helle Thorning-Schmidt
  • Have a dream that was not from his father
  • Devise some more policies that will undermine the basic human rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness of Americans and make them slaves of the ‘greater good’
  • Relax a bit and bet a couple of grand on the underground racist redneck rustlin’ circuit
  • Review some of his favorite Reverend Wright sermons
  • Sit back and watch the Duck Dynasty marathon, taking careful notes so he can draft A & E a sternly worded letter afterwards
  • Invite Paula Deen to the Bo-BQ so she can be crowned Queen of Fools and mocked mercilessly in the stocks
  • Try and remember to get Paula Deen’s recipe for chitlins before mocking her in the stocks this time
  • Place this year in either the White House greased cracker or honky calling competitions
  • Take a moment and ponder the ways MLK would have been a better man had Barack been alive then to mentor him
  • Using the powers of the NSA, transmit his voice into the bedrooms of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Rangle, pretending to be the ghost of MLK.  Post the resulting surveillance footage on Youtube
  • Commemorate the occasion with a couple dozen selfies next to the MLK statue

I Didn’t Think This Was Going to Work, But It Totally Did

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[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

Briefly recounting the history of Soviet Russia in the form of a song & video that use Tetris as a uniting motif?

Why yes, yes it CAN be done (although you won’t really start believing me until the second chorus):


[Complete History Of The Soviet Union, Arranged To The Melody Of Tetris] (Viewer #3,769,975)

Fair warning: that tune will be stuck in your head for a while.

lolbama!… Next Week

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Short on entries this week, so I’ll give you guys another week to get submissions in.

Here’s the uncaptioned again:

Meanwhile for your amusement – Isaac Asimov predicts the future:


[Isaac Asimov Predicts 2014 – In 1964!] (Viewer #6,984)

Now, I don’t expect you to sit all the way through this, because the mush-mouthed gibbering simpletons hosting the segment manage to make science AND the future AND Isaac Asimov all sound as dull and incoherent as a third-grader’s “What I Did on My Summer Vacation” essay.

BUT… you will discover at the 1:15 mark that Isaac Asimov sounds EXACTLY like Dr. John Zoidberg, which makes it all worthwhile.

Also, you get to see what Asimov looked like without the Muttonchops of Awesome that made John Bolton’s mighty ‘stache look like Shaggy’s goatee.