Archive of entries posted on February 2016

Link of the Day: Won’t Stop the Media From Running With Bogus Stories, Though

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(Submitted by Anonymiss of Nuking Politics [High Praise!])

Six Easy Ways To Tell If That Viral Story Is A Hoax

Actually, I’m not sure how “easy” some of these ways are, but if you’re suspicious, they’re worth a try.

Me, I mostly just watch for the basic red flags of “no specific date or location mentioned”, and “any exclamation points at all in the text”

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

Dream Land Part 3: Papa’s House

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[Previous: Dream Land Part 1: Grandma and Papa’s House, Dream Land Part 2: Grandma’s House]

Part 3 of 3.

Grandma’s House, the Dream Land from our childhood, had sat unoccupied while Grandma lived at the guest house at my mother’s. This went on for four years, until after she celebrated her 100th birthday. Before the year was up, my uncle made the hard call that something needed to be done with Grandma’s House.

My mother, never one who wanted to be told what to do, even if what she was told was right, was unhappy with the suggestion. It wasn’t that my uncle was wrong, it was something that she had dreaded doing, and now had to do. And no one was happy about it. Not Grandma. Not my mother. Not my uncle. Not my sisters. No one.

My sister had mentioned about buying the house, but wasn’t sure she wanted to take on that expense. She already had a house that was too big for her, and that she couldn’t sell.

My mother finally decided to buy my uncle out. She gave him half of what he said he wanted to sell it for. Since the idea was they’d split it — they actually had title to the house, not Grandma — my mother simply gave him his half, and assumed full ownership of the house. She knew she’d need to dispose of it in some way, but wanted to do it on her own schedule, or at least when she was ready.

Grandma celebrated her 101st birthday worried that some stranger would end up with her little house. She understood that the current situation couldn’t continue, but she still was saddened by that prospect.

My sister decided to buy the house after all, and began doing the work to get it fully livable again. After four years sitting unoccupied, it needed a little work. Heck, it needed a lot. And, truth be told, a lot more than they realized.

During the whole remodeling process, my sister changed her mind and decided that she needed to not buy the house. My mother wasn’t happy about that, but that’s not the first time one of us made her unhappy about something. Anyway, I made a couple of phone calls, and, when I was happy with what I heard, approached my mother about buying the house. She was surprised, but welcomed my offer.

This is a good time to let you know that when my first grandchild was born in 1999, there were several suggestions made about what she, and the other soon arriving grandchildren, would call me. I wasn’t thrilled with any of the suggestions. I knew, though, that whatever the grandchildren called me would be how I was to be known for the rest of my life. If I didn’t like it, I’d change my mind and embrace it. It’s what grandfather’s do.

When one of them was able to call me a name, it came out “Papa.” I hadn’t thought about that. No one had thought about that. But I loved it. And, to this day, I’m Papa to all the grandchildren.

Now, back to the house. The whole process of buying a house was what you would expect: the unexpected popping up and such. It was much frustrating, as you can imagine, but finally, it was done. I bought the Grandma’s House, formerly Grandma and Papa’s House.

It’s a little different inside than before. Some of the same furniture is there, some arranged as always, but some arranged a little different. Just enough like it always was to make it very familiar. Just enough different to make it someone else’s house.

Grandma was thrilled last year when she found out that I bought the house. She told me she was so worried someone she didn’t know would get the little house. She celebrated her 102nd birthday last September knowing that her little house was still in the family.

Grandma died this week, and we’re burying her today. She’s gone. Her house is still around. It’s Papa’s House, now. But, in many ways, it’s still the same Dream Land we all loved as children.

That Awkward Moment That Only I Missed

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(Submitted by Anonymiss of Nuking Politics [High Praise!])


[GOP Debate Circus]

I’m torn. Part of me wants to go with the obvious jibe that “if you can’t figure out how to walk onto a stage, you don’t deserve to be President”.

The other (and larger) part, says that if you can’t figure out how to send a stage flunkie out to Ben Carson and shoo him onto the stage in a timely fashion, you’re too incompetent as a network to host a debate ever again.

You had one job, ABC. You blew it. Everyone else has gotten it right every time.

Link of the Day: What the Scriptwriters Wrote In Mockery, I Say With Pride

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27 Ways To Be As American As Ron Swanson

Buzzfeed and their unnecessary animated gifs are a horrible thing, but Ron Swanson is a delight, so I send you there only half-apologetically.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 4

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(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, finally we can get back to the trigger warning training.

Galid: I am confused. Did we not already have the trigger warning training? My safety is on. See (pulls trigger and bullets spray into the air. Fiddles with the gun). Ok, now it is on. I think it is on.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. Your safety is not a trigger warning. This is a different issue entirely. Is anyone familiar with this term? Can anyone tell me what a trigger warning is?

Habib: Is it when the rocks and trees warn us that a Jew is hiding behind it so we can pull the trigger and kill it?

Corporate HR Imam: No. Nice try. I like the way you think, but no.

Ahmed: Is it when I warn the new recruits to never under any circumstance pull Ali’s finger and trigger the gases of death?

Ali: I warned you. I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Truly if they pulled Ali’s finger it would be the death of us all.

Ali: I’ll kill you too. I’ll kill you all! (pulls trigger. Nothing happens). Allah curse it! I can never tell if that safety is on or off. Which button do I push again?

Corporate HR Imam: Do not pull that trigger. I am warning you.

Galid: So what you just said? That is a trigger warning then?

Corporate HR Imam: No, no, no. Everybody calm down. Remember, this is supposed to be a safe space where Ali is free to stink without fear of reprisal.

Habib: But where is our space to be free from the putrescence of Ali?

Corporate HR Imam: That is not important. What are important are Ali’s feelings.

Galid: But I am confused-

Ahmed: Shouldn’t you be used to that by now?

Galid: Best mind your words. My safety is off, my friend. No, wait. I just turned it on. So the gun will shoot now. But if the gun won’t shoot, then I am less safe, so the safety is on. I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Just everybody forget about your weapons and let’s have nobody shoot anybody right now, ok, and let’s get through the trigger warning section so we can have time for the beheadings. I know we all want to see that , right? Ok, so a trigger warning is this. A trigger warning is a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material. Does this make sense? Let’s look at some examples. Here is the special director’s cut of Schindler’s List. A trigger warning for this might be: Warning – this film contains fanciful depictions of the Holocaust that did not occur but may nonetheless cause the breasts of holy mujahedeen to swell with rapturous glee. Do not watch unless a doctor recommends your heart is healthy enough for sex.

Crowd: Death to the Jews! Death to the Jews! (pointing guns into the air and firing. Only Galid’s discharges)

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Here is another one. (Holds up a copy of I am Cait starring Caitlyn Jenner) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – this film depicts the transformation of a haggard, old attention gigolo into a haggard, old attention whore. The abomination presented may induce the viewer to either hang his television or hurl it to its death from a high building.

Habib: Abomination! Why, Bruce? You were dreamy just the way Allah made you.

Corporate HR Imam: See? Just the picture on the DVD cover is already causing Habib emotional distress. Let’s look at another one. (Holds up a copy of Season One of HBO’s Girls, starring Lena Dunham) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – (interrupted by stone striking the DVD) Who threw that?

Ahmed (sheepishly): But I can see the hairy, unwashed buttocks of the infidel!

Ali: I am pretty sure that is the face of the infidel.

Ahmed: You mean those lumps are not hemorrhoids?

Ali: Nasal hemorrhoids, maybe.  Is that normal for a girl?  Is that why they veil their faces?

Habib: Do we really want 72 of them?  Or is that just me?

Ahmed: Death to girls!

Crowd: Death to girls! Death to girls! Death to girls!

Corporate HR Imam (dodging a barrage of stones): Ouch, Allah curse it! Stop it! Stop it! Please refrain from stoning the DVD until I give you permission. Let’s get back to the trigger warning. Warning – this film depicts pale, pudgy women without burkas engaging in relations that will cause the bowels of the mujahedeen to writhe with irritability and the loins to shrivel. May induce homosexuality in the viewers or an intense need to stone the DVD. (throws the DVD to the ground). You may proceed to stone.

Crowd stones the DVD into oblivion

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Let’s show one last example. (holds up the Quran). The trigger warning might be: Warning – reading this book may induce extreme feelings of peace and induce one to love one’s neighbor, treating all with kindness and respect regardless of race, gender or creed. Following its precepts will cause one to forgive and return kindness to insults and affronts. Under no circumstances will it induce one to rape and pillage.

Galid: But, uh, I am confused….

Corporate HR Imam: Just kidding. Got ya! Here’s the real one. Warning – this book may induce one to submit to Allah, join the global caliphate, wage violent Jihad against the infidels and behead those who insult Islam. The subjugation of women and cruel and unusual punishment are icing on the cake. Ok, we’re almost done now and will soon be able to move on to the beheading demonstration, Allah willing. We just have to make it through the unit on microaggressions.

Corporate HR Lackey (running toward the group with the box of action figures): I think I have them all. When is the clock boy going to have them deactivated? Where do you want them? (jiggles the box vigorously)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Who put the Bengay in my boxers?  I can feel the bern! (explodes)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs once again return to earth)

Corporate HR Imam: By the brides of Mohammad! (into the megaphone) I need another clean up on hill 7. A clean up on hill 7.  (muttering to himself) Looks like I brought way too many training forms…again.

Galid: I think maybe you should put a trigger warning on the action figures. Something like: Warning – do not pull the string unless you are an infidel.

Corporate HR Imam: That isn’t really a trigger warning, Galid.  Just a regular warning.

Galid: What? I am so confused.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

On a completely unrelated subject, I’m gonna have to head down to the Houston area next week, and I seem to recall that a number of the commenters hale from the great state of Texas. Are there any must see sights, attractions, BBQ joints, etc. that I should check out while I am in town?