(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)