This is a reprint of the first of my new newsletter about my fiction writing which you can sign up for here.

It begins!
It’s my first newsletter! Yep, remember? You signed up for this; I swear this isn’t spam. Unless someone signed you up unwittingly. If that happened, you tell me and we will find the bastard. You and I, we will hunt him down together. Because I hate it when I get signed up for stuff I didn’t want. People do it to me all the time. Like every week I get some update for the socialist party in Sweden or something. I guess I could unsubscribe, but I’m a lazy, lazy man.

Anyway, let’s get to this!

IN THIS ISSUE
* New Book News
* What’s Up with the Superego Sequel?
* Frank J.’s Writing Tips

New Book News
I have a new book coming out! It’s called Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled and it will be out in April in ebook, paperback, and audio (great for the illiterate!). It’s what the kids these days call an “urban fantasy” and it’s probably my favorite thing I’ve written so far. And since you’re signed up for this newsletter, I’ll let you know right away when it’s available to buy. And then all of you can immediately buy it at once. And then everyone will see it skyrocket up the sales charts on Amazon and say “Hmm. This must be a good book if everyone’s buying it. I’ll buy it as well to be one of the crowd.” It’s a great scam and it’s guaranteed to work with your help.

Anyway, tell you more real soon.

What’s Up with the Superego Sequel?
I get asked all the time if there will be a sequel to Superego.

No, really, it’s something I literally get asked. I thought I made an ambiguous ending where — MINOR SPOILERS — it kind of looks like Rico dies at the end, but apparently absolutely no one thought he was actually dead because it’s constantly been “So what happens next?” And now I feel bad I’ve taken so long to write the next one. But no more excuses (and I have a ton); I’m going to be a novel writing machine now. And as part of that, I’m hard at work on the Superego sequel — I’m right back in the psychopath mind set. And this is going to be the middle book of a trilogy, so it’s going to end on an even bigger cliffhanger. But so you won’t think I’m a jerk, as soon as I finish the first Superego sequel, I’m going to start writing the third book of the series. And it won’t take me years to do this either. My middle initials aren’t “R. R.”

In the meantime, if you read Superego and liked it, it would make you a real friend to write up a review. It will be really helpful with other books coming out that people saw my previous books have lots of good reviews so they think I’m a good writer. It’s another scam that’s sure to work with your help. And the other day I got a one star review from someone who didn’t even read it and just didn’t like what I said on Twitter. I don’t want to go on a rant, but some of the people on the internet are… not the nicest. But we together can right these wrong. Right these wrongs by buying my books and giving them great reviews.

BTW, just in case you didn’t know, there is a free prequel short story to Superego if you wanted some more Rico while waiting for the sequel.

Frank J.’s Writing Tips
To make this newsletter actually useful, I thought I’d include some writing tips for aspiring writers… except my first tip is don’t be a writer. There’s already way too many writers, and I don’t need anymore competition. For that matter, also don’t become a computer programmer. I make a decent amount of money at that, and once again, it helps me if there’s less options other than me.

But maybe you’re selfish and are going to write anyway. Fine. Well, here’s some tips based on my experience.

Tip #1: Vary Your Words
Readers are going to tear apart anything you write. They’re vicious. I don’t like them. In my perfect world, I’d write, people would pay me for it, and then they’d just put my writing in a closet somewhere and never read it. So the National Geographic Magazine model. But it’s not a perfect world, and readers are going to look for evidence you’re dumb. Like if you keep using the same words over and over. One jerk reader made fun of me because I used “obsequious” five times in one paragraph. He was like, “Don’t you know any other words?” And I was like, “I barely know that one.” And then he laughed at me. Well, he wrote “LOL” because it’s the internet.

So here’s my recommendation: Keep a dictionary open, and cross off words as you use them so you won’t use them again. You run out of articles pretty quickly with this method, but people are going to think you’re really smart with all your word choices, especially when you get to the dregs of the dictionary and have to pull out some pretty obscure and archaic words. And if your novel is long enough, you might have to switch languages part way through — but that will really show people how smart you are. Now who’s being obsequious, @WubbaLubba42069?

Did I use that word right?

Tip #2: Keep It Interesting
You have to understand your audience has very little attention — especially kids these days with their social media and MTV and malt shops — so you have to be constantly interesting or you’ll lose them. Like I’ve probably lost 90% of my audience already. Sorry; I go off on tangents and can’t keep focused. But you who have kept reading, you’re my true friends. And as a reward for that, here’s a surefire secret to help any story you’re writing when you feel things are starting to get boring: Have a robot from the future attack.

It’s the best plot device, because it can fit in absolutely any story. No matter what you’re writing — spy thriller, medieval fantasy, Elizabethan romance — there’s conceivably a future from which someone could send killer robots for some reason. And it can happen at absolutely any time. So as soon as you feel things start to drag, BOOM! A portal opens and a robot starts attacking. And boy is that exciting. They’re made of metal so they are hard to stop.

Wait a second. What if you’re writing a novel set at the end of time? Then there’s no future for robots to be sent from. So if things start to drag in that story, you might be stuck.

No! Wait! Robots from the past attack! There. Solved it for you. Can you believe this newsletter is free?

Tip #3: Have at Least Three Things
This tip applies more to article writing than novel writing, but I find if you’re doing some list based humor, the absolute minimum for the list is three items. If you have some joke format but only two jokes for it, that’s too few. You need at least one more. I’m not sure why, but it’s a sort of universal rule. But if you only have two for your list, put the stronger two up first and then just put some weak sauce in that last one. Their attention is probably dragging by then anyway.

BTW, not directly related to this, but I should mention people love meta humor. It really makes them feel smart when they get it.

So those are my writing tips! Go use them to write something great… but not greater than I would write. If someone has a choice between your book and my book, I’d still rather they prefer mine.

Well, that’s it for the inaugural Frank J. Fleming Newsletter. I hope you enjoyed it and are like, “This Frank J. is a clever chap. I should buy any of his books as soon as they are available.” That would be absolutely perfect, in fact, as that’s going to be really important with the next newsletter.

Anyway, see you around. And don’t be afraid to send me any comments or questions, either via email or social media.

Your friend,
Frank J. Fleming

P.S. Did you like the free story Glenda Dragonfire!? Eh, I guess I don’t care; it was free. Well, I kinda care. So tell me what you thought of it… but only if you liked it. Don’t say anything if you didn’t like it; I’m very sensitive.

Why is no one saying anything?!