My 4yo son is in T-ball, and we’ve gone over and over that as soon as he hits the ball, he drops the bat and runs to first. Yet somehow in the game that always becomes charge the pitchers mound with the bat.

As long as we’re doing movies of old arcade games, they should totally have that Kung Fury guy make Bad Dudes the motion picture.

I’m reading The Time Machine Did It and now I’m kind of obsessed with John Swartzwelder—except there’s no information to obsess on. He’s like this bigfoot that wrote 59 of the funniest Simpsons episodes (there’s apparently only one grainy photo of him in existence).
He kind of sounds like a real life Ron Swanson—a staunch libertarian who just wants to be left alone and no one to know anything about him. He even stopped showing up in The Simpsons writers room after the 6th season.
After leaving The Simpsons in the 14th season, he’s self-published silly detective novels (so he didn’t have to deal with a publisher) that looks like he spent 10 seconds on the cover. I want to know more about him, but he very much does not want that.

Heard a sample of the audio version of my next novel, and it’s sounding solid—great comic timing. It’s a weird feeling to hear your words performed. It’s like they’re no longer yours anymore… but in a good way.

Trump after the video game meeting: “I tried out Call of Duty and was killed multiple times but was unable to kill anyone. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!”

You can’t disarm citizens because of rights, but we are in charge of the government. If you don’t like guns, start by passing legislation to disarm the government.

The NRA does nothing but stoke fear in the American public to help it sell hourglasses.

Maybe I’m a little late on this, but shouldn’t that one guy from The Three Stooges be called “Baldy”? He doesn’t have any hair, so “Curly” makes no sense as a nickname. Or am I missing something?

Tried this interesting beverage called Coca-Cola. It’s brown, which is kind of an odd color. I assumed it was going to taste like chocolate, but it doesn’t. Still, it’s good and is bubbly in a way that plays off its flavors. Worth a try, though very sugary.

I decided to try Scribd. It actually has a lot of books I want to read, and considering Kindle prices, I only need to read one a month for it to be worth it. Big disadvantage is I can’t use my Kindle Paperwhite, though.

Do people really imagine the Stormy Daniels stuff would change anyone’s opinion of Trump?

A good line if you ever see a protest get unruly: “If these are PROtesters, I’d hate to see AMATEURtesters!”
That should get everyone to laugh and calm down.

If you’re ever attacked by a shark, a good strategy is to trick it onto land so you can suplex it or, alternatively, outrun it.

March Madness sounds like so much fun. It makes me wish I were into basketball.

I tried to become a space marine, but the Marines said they don’t need anyone in space as there’s no one to shoot there.
“What about space Commies?”
They told me they gave up Communism.
“I bet they’re lying.”
They agreed with me, but said they still couldn’t shoot them.

“This is madness!”
“This! Is!”
kicks basketball
“MARCH!”

Someone told me he had a better economic system than capitalism.
“A better system than what’s exponentially grown the wealth of the entire world? This I’ve got to hear!”
But he was talking about socialism. So I regretfully had to inform him we tried that and it was terrible.

Right now, the left and the right in this country are both incoherent, angry dumpster fires, so people just choose the one that seems less openly hostile to them.

My first newsletter is out! I feel like I’ve marched right into the 90s — but with modern big data tracking!
It’s actually vaguely creepy the amount of data you can get on your email reads. That’s why I download offline copies of all my emails to a computer, disconnect from internet, and then print them out and read in a dark room using night vision goggles. Track that, Groupon!

Am I problematic? Or do I just follow some problematic people? Are do I follow some people who follow problematic people? How many degrees of problematic are acceptable?

The Ready Player One movie really looks like it’s going to be a big, dumb mess, but it’s directed by Steven Spielberg so that seems unlikely.

I keep hearing the Ready Player One novel referred to as Young Adult, but wasn’t all the nostalgia in it aimed at people in their mid thirties to late forties?

Know what would be a great name for the sequel to Ready Player One? Ready Player One 2.

I don’t get all the families having only one kid. You need at least two to A/B test your parenting strategies.

We don’t need a Space Force. We can just declare “We have conquered all of space!” and that will be true until someone from space comes and says otherwise.

The Space Force sounds like one of the dumbest things Trump has said yet but if he makes it I will join it.

PENCE: “What are we going to do about the Russians?”
TRUMP: “Space Force.”
PENCE: “What?”
leans in so close their foreheads touch
TRUMP: “SPAAAAAACE FOOOOOORCE!”