After months of stalling, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has come back to the table at the eleventh hour and tentatively agreed to join the United States and Mexico in a new version of NAFTA.

President Trump calls off loon slaughter after Canada capitulates to America’s unchallengeable might.

President Donald Trump was pleased by the last minute decision. “It’s great that Canada’s decided to join us,” said Trump. “NAFTA wouldn’t be the same without Canada, just like the MLB playoffs wouldn’t be the same without the Toronto Blue Jays.”

Mexico’s president Enrique Peña Nieto was also supportive of the unpunctual addition of their non-contiguous northern neighbor. “We are happy to have the Canadians on board,” said Nieto. “They are a decent people. They speak French and worship moose. They are led by Rachel Maddow. Their main exports are lumber, cross-dressing, and pressed wildflowers. Or so light Googling tells me.”

Prime Minister Trudeau returned President Nieto’s compliments. “The Mexican people are a good people,” said Trudeau, “unlike violent Americans with all their guns, shooting each other over drug deals. We should all be more like Mexico, where it’s nothing but happy mariachi bands and rodents of near-mythical swiftness. All they need is a little more socialism in their medicine and it would be paradise.”

An anonymous source high in the Trump administration who identified himself as “Bob” shunned the diplomatic double-speak and went for the bottom line by pointing out that the new NAFTA’s biggest benefit for the USA would be “unfettered access to maple syrup and tequila”.

“This will be a game-changer,” said Bob, “Out: Red Bull and vodka. In: the syrquila shot.”