The story would be about a group of womyn scientists that talk a lot, I mean A LOT! Mostly because the director, let’s say… Whoopi Goldberg, convinces them that they’re funny and they should just ad lib most scenes.
The good guys would be rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, and sh|t kickers.
But not Methodists.
Mongo’s candygram would be Grande Chai Tea Latte, non-fat, non-carb, sugar free, non-GMO, folic acid enriched, 3 Pump, Skim Milk, Lite Water, No Foam, Extra Hot.
…it would be made in an alternate universe.
…it would only smoulder and if it dared to smoke, it would be cancelled.
…the role of Taggart (Slim Pickens) would be given to Leonardo DiCaprio.
…there would be a lot more “harumphing”…all coming from the triggered left.
…the vegans heads would explode at the number of schnitzengruben the Sheriff consumed.
…it would have more cats.
The sheriff would be a white guy.
… Mongo would be transitioning…
… it wouldn’t be made today. That’s the problem.
… the chaps would be made of non-animal, sustainable materials…
If “Blazing Saddles” were made today…
well I’m not saying that Aliens would be involved but… Aliens would be involved.
If “Blazing Saddles” were made today…
it would be over a lot of studio heads dead bodies.
The liberals would demand that Trump be cast in the role of Hitler in the commissary scene.
… the Waco Kid would be played by Jared Leto, with predictable results…
… it would be cast by the alumni of In Living Color, along with Michelle Obama as Mongo. The poor ratings would be due to ray-cism.
…”Would you do it for Randolph Scott?” replaced with, “Would you do it to fight global warming?”
Bart: Just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just twenty-four hours, that’s all I ask.
Townspeople: [in unison] No!
Bart: You’d do it for Global Warming.
Townspeople: [reverently] Global Warming…
Townspeople: [singing in the fashion of a church choir] Global Warming!
Howard Johnson: All right, Sheriff. Twenty-four hours.
Duude, you’d do it for Greta Thunberg.
…all the townsfolk would be named Jones, since Johnson is too triggering.
Maybe, Muhammed?
….the beans would be replaced with a sauteed kale, rendering that scene only .002% as humorous as the original.
How ’bout some more kale Mx. Taggart?
“I’d say you cisgendered patriarchal misogynists have had enough!”
The story would be about a group of womyn scientists that talk a lot, I mean A LOT! Mostly because the director, let’s say… Whoopi Goldberg, convinces them that they’re funny and they should just ad lib most scenes.
If you don’t like it you’re worse than Hitler.
It would be a non-sensical reboot by JJ Abrams and Jim and Bart would have a homosexual kiss at the end.
It would be called “Barely Warm Saddles”
It would be totally inoffensive and forgotten.
No…wait.
It would be called “ YGDFT!YLTATSOTE”
…it wouldn’t.
Brokeback Saddles
… with every other scene being the French Mistake, voila!
The good guys would be rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, and sh|t kickers.
But not Methodists.
Muslims?
Sure, then just change the name to Brazen Camels, and there you have it.
Mongo would not just be pawn in game of life, Mongo would be Trump’s Secretary of Defense.
Leslie Jones would be Sheriff Bart, and Kate McKinnon the Waco Kid.
Mongo’s candygram would be Grande Chai Tea Latte, non-fat, non-carb, sugar free, non-GMO, folic acid enriched, 3 Pump, Skim Milk, Lite Water, No Foam, Extra Hot.
Same thing as would have to be served in Anal Johnson’s saloon.
…Sheriff Bart and the Waco Kid would not play chess.
They would play Butt Darts instead.
If “Blazing Saddles” were made today…
it wouldn’t be funny.
They would have to actually use “N-word” instead of the actual word.
An old lady snapping “Up yours, n-word!” just doesn’t have the same comedic effect.
…it would have a hard time selling product placements.
If Blazing Saddles were made today, NO ONE involved in the making would ever work in Hollywood again.
… it would be less entertaining than the most recent Democratic presidential debate.
“Anybody got a fiver? Someone’s gotta go back to town and get a sh*t load of fivers!”