Dear President Bush,
I hear that you are going to follow the 9/11 Report’s recommendation and hire an Intelligence Czar. I’m going to offer an obvious candidate:
Me.
First off, I’m intelligent. Secondly, I don’t know what a czar is, but I’m sure I can do that too. And there are many other great reasons:
* Finding terrorists so they die makes me happy.
* I consider monkeys to also be terrorists.
* I hardly even embezzle money.
* I think of out of the box solutions such as space lasers.
* I come off as extremely non-partisan if surrounded by fellow Republicans.
Now, I didn’t spend four years (well, almost four years) in college so I could get paid $5.50 an hour to be some czar. If I privilege the U.S. with my service, I will demand a number of items.
First, I need an office atop a tall building so I can look down on the tiny ants that are people and know all that they do. Alternately, I could have a secret underground lair which you get to by some speeding elevator that races miles under the earth. From there, monitors and computers would tell me all that happens in the world. Complete omnipotence would be mine!
Also, I need a rocket car. Then, when people see me, they will sing:
There goes the United States Intelligence Czar,
Driving around town in his super rocket car.
If you are a terrorist, he knows where you are,
‘Cause he’s the United States Intelligence Czar.
And I need to be able to hire my own staff including SarahK as the Intelligence Czar T-Shirt Babe (to model the Intelligence Czar t-shirts that will inevitably be demanded).
I should be trained by masters in China in kung-fu, for the Intelligence Czar will become a target of constant ninja attacks and I must never be humiliated in battle.
On the subject of battle, I want dual 1911s, one the mirror of the other (a thumb safety on the right and ejects bullet to the left).
If possible, I want cyber-battle armor to wear under my suit. This should be a secret known by few other than me.
CITIZEN 1: Oh no! Terrorists are attacking! And where has the Intelligence Czar gone?
CITIZEN 2: Look! It’s Cyber-Samurai come to save us!
CYBER-SAMURAI (ME): Fear not, puny mortals! I will save you all at quite reasonable rates… which must be negotiated in advance.
Or, if the creation of the Intelligence Czar is just an empty gesture to make it look like you are doing something, I’m fine with sitting around doing nothing; I’m a team player. Just make the salary offer.
I loved the rocket car theme song.
dude, I mean this as a compliment – you are insane.
oh, that was great. i especially like the non-partisan when in the midst of republicans thing. and the part about me, of course… one question, you’re going to negotiate a higher salary for me when you’re intelligence czar than you pay me now, right? otherwise, i’ll need a sugar daddy.
From what I saw of an earlier Press Conference it pays somewhere near $150,000 a year.
* I consider monkeys to also be terrorists.
Me too!
-Joshua
[Re-post]
Frank Frank!!!
Send out the IMAO!!!!
Service Monkey Bites Boy
Would the rocket car be anything like Super Car from Gerry Anderson Supermarionation fame? That would be so damn cool! Would you sell rides in the Rocket Car? I’d buy one.
Too cool. You are the Imperial Secretary of War so you already have experience. And I bet no other applicant will have their very own theme song.
Don’t know what a Czar is? You should know that the last real Czar was murdered by the Russian equivalent of Al Sharpton.
Damn…he stole my theme song
Sorry Frank, I already got the call. It seems they still had my resumé on file from when I applied for the Secretary of Defense position. Maybe I can hire you as my decoy.
He’d better give me some sort of post: I’ve been busy beating up Democrats here in Alabama, and I don’t want all those stained shirts for no reason.
ewwwwww… Chase said stain.
(The Clinton legacy once again destroys a harmless word, and brings it to the level of an obscenity.)
Brilliant idea, Frank. Selling t-shirts and other merchandise related to your department would help cut the cost of the position. You could sell models of the rocket car and toy versions of your dual 1911s.
Hey, how about an action figure series. We could have FrankJ transformer (from a suit wearng Czar to a superhero), the FrankJ rocket car, the secret lair, the sexy SarahK in a leather body suit and twin rugers(hmmmm…Sarah…..leather)
CHINA??
CHINA????
You DO know there are commies running around there don’t you?
They might try to trick you and teach you some sort of crappy kung fu, so that when they attack us with the missiles Clinton gave them, you will be no match for them as you try to stop them.
…unless you meant Taiwan when you said China.
In any case be careful -they all look foreign to me.
Dear g-d frank! I’ve ruined another keyboard!!!11!1!!!!
We need Intelligence Czar t-shirts.
Which reminds me: where’s Chomps’?
Monkeys aren’t terrorists….
THEY’RE SPYS!!!!
We Brits have known this for years:
http://www.thisishartlepool.co.uk/history/thehartlepoolmonkey.asp
Sounds like Frank is pimping for a Halliburton no-bid contract to me.
You also need to make sure you get a license to “wack”. What good is it to be Intell Czar and not be able to act decisively on a moments notice? Trust me. This would save you much time that would otherwise be used explaining your actions to congress. Don’t let ’em try to give you a permit to “wack” either. You want the full force and authority of a license. (And, hopefully, they’ll forget to put in an expiration date). Dual 1911’s is a good idea, but don’t limit yourself. Insist that total access to the entire U.S. arsenal be made available upon demand.
would you have the Republican Attack Machine at your disposal? How about sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads?
Go for it Frank! You’ve got my vote. We do get to vote on this, right?
BTW, Joshua, Chase said ‘beating up’.
The story and song of The Hartlepool Monkey was great.
You can hear the song there too.
Thanks for the heads up. Funny thing is that I thought the recommendation was for an intelligence car so I had them order up Kit from Knight Rider. Man I wish I would listen more closely.
The story and song of The Hartlepool Monkey was great.
You can hear the song there too.
Not to crush Frank’s dream of SMITE Lasers, Intel Czardom and Flying Rocket Cars tailored after Gerry Anderson’s 1960’s ‘SuperCar’, but….
Doesn’t the Bush Administration already have a person filling that slot for all intents and purposes?
I think her name is Condeleeza Rice.
You’ve been reading those Nick Fury Agent of SHIELD comic books again haven’t you?
Hmm, you’ll need an eyepatch to pull it off properly.
George Bush, you very funny man.
LC Rey… watch that imagination! We all know SarahK only models leather for Frank, and he’s declared her off limits.
Frank, surely you must have jobs available for the rest of us ronin. I could be your driver. I really know how to handle a mini-van. I could kick the kids out of it and retro-fit it with a mini-bar and disco ball! Give it some thought.
jonag, with that ride, you could come drive me around! ha ha. so long as the mini-bar is resonably priced.
Frank:
I addition to the hefty salary, get them to agree that you never have to pay federal income taxes ever! Oh yeah they also have to give you and all expense paid “Platinum Package” trip to your favorite Vegas casino when ever the stress of being the intel czar gets too much.
Hate to butt in again but, I’m looking for someone that is czarist but not too czarist. I’ve already got Cheney acting all czarist so I figure it would be better that we not rock the boat. Thank you for submitting your resume and we will keep it on file.
I’d like to submit my resume ahead of time as a Czar bodyguard.
Skills:
– Six (6) years training in a particularly brutal combination of martial arts including Muay Thai, Judo, Ju-jitsu and Aikido. Sensei was a Joooooo ex-special forces.
– Excellent understanding of Communications technologies and IT security countermeasures.
– Heightened olfactory sense allowing me to zero in on hippies and monkeys in the dark.
Tools Used:
Firearms including but not limited to:
– AR-15
– Mossberg 500 persuader (with pistol grip)
– Cetme .308 (HK G3 mold)
– HK-SL8
– Marlin 336
– Sig Sauer p229
– Walther p99
– Beretta Neos
– Taurus Millenium PT145
– Baby Eagle .45
– Nerf Supermaxx 1500
– Freestyle rubberband
Blades including but not limited to:
– Katanas
– Bastard Sword
– Bowie
– Ka-bar
– Double-bit axe
– Icepick
– Fingernail clippers
Certifications and awards:
– DMS translations certification
– Runner up, Blacksburg Big-Wheel rally, 1974
– Fastest Delivery time award, Dino’s Pizza, Dec. 24th, 1994. (when using the no pts deducted for destroyed mailboxes method.)
– Maricopa County Platform Dive champion (empty pool division)
– Certification from the Maricopa county state mental health institute.
LC Rey… watch that imagination! We all know SarahK only models leather for Frank, and he’s declared her off limits.
OFF LIMITS??? Pahh, I fart in his general direczion.
Czarist? Damn, so close! Will guitarist do?
Krak-ing up @ Kraktoa. Nice resume. (isn’t that French? “Resume”, I mean.
Aye, Joshua. It is unfortunate that Froggistan has so many little inroads into our pure culture.
What can you do tho? sigh. C’est la vie.
Dammit…did it again! 😛
Frank,
I’m glad you are applying for Intelligence czar. Your love of guns and thirst for foreign blood should make Rumsfield less anxious. I thought of some guidlines for ya!
Enjoy
What will your policy on France be?
Must you ask?
Its me again. This damn logging is addictive. Anyway, I have been informed that the new position will be renamed the intelligence guru as not to offend any Russian immigrants. Strike that as I have just been told that guru will insult our fine Indian immigrants. The position will herein be known as intelligence leader of unknown ethincity. God bless America.
Mr President, shouldn’t you be taking care of your own blog?
Ja, I vood liken du add minen namen du der lizt oft der Intelligenzen gruppencamshaft mine Furher, acht nine — Mr. President. Ich gerthousen mine sturementeam in die deepen minegershafts, vere vee kan breed animaldiestinken du unst geslaughteredamnkoff; oft kourse, normal monogamous relationshippenshafts vood be verboten fur der Herren ut least…mine Fuher! I kan valk!
Huh?
Is the intelligence czar song, by any chance, sung to the tune of “Particle Man” by They Might by Giants?
You get my vote Frank.
Now come toss an entry into my caption contest!
http://tinyurl.com/4oy4f
Winner gets my last remaining Gmail invite.
w00t!
Do you need any support staff Frank? I already work for government, it’s just city government run into the ground by a democrat mayor. It’d be nice to work for someone who knows what he’s doing. I can type, have 2 degrees, and have big boobies :-). Actually, if anyone has any job ideas that would get me out of NY state I’d be thrilled to hear ’em.
Dr. Strangelove, that was good but it must have given you a headache.
Carl P., Rumsfeld WILL NOT be happy if Frank is hired. Who do you think Chomps is going to hang out with?
LOL @ Wolf’s Dawn!
Poor Chomps!
Nice Qualifications, Jenno, but I think Frank J prefers 98.6 degrees.
Calling all Savages and Savagettes!!
Iama McNugget is on the war path again.
Just look what his latest comment was about Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona)and ‘IMAO’ and ‘Hello Infidels!’
I need some recruits to comment on his comments.
Thanks for your help.
–Joshua
Brian,
You got some serious blasphemers commenting over there, there is an edit tool you know? (Cyco, for example A.)
They sound like Lib-Dem-Commu-NAZI’s.
They are not respectable conservatives.
“This damn logging is addictive.” -George Bush
I didn’t know Dubya was a logger. Well wonders never cease. He is the “rugged out-doorsie type” isn’t he?
I did it I achieved Google fame!!
I would like to thank all you little people who helped me get this prestigious award.
I would like to thank IMAO, without you I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
God bless you and may He continue to bless this great nation.
Thank you and goodnight.
(applause) clap clap clap…(/applause)
and the winning links are..
This one and this one and this one.
hmm…something up with that last link, thought for sure it was a winner.
Just when you think John “Croissant” Kerry might be worthy of his war experience, you get this.
I need a job. I’m calm now.
The webfilter did make this post better, PORK!
up in the sky! it sees us! we become snacks! it’s a bird! it sees us! we become snacks! it’s a plane!! where is the hat?! it is a mystery.
no!! it’s the intelligence czar! fatty!
dear president bush,
I am a beanbag! i’m going to offer an obvious candidate:
me.
first off, i’m intelligent. secondly, I am a beanbag! and there areallot other great reasons:
* finding terrorists sososo they die makes me happy.give me some cake!
* I am back to eat all the hats! YUM!
* i hardly even embezzle money.
* i think of out of the box solushuns such as space lasers . ha ha it is more fun to be fat. thankyou for the dance fag. please turn your butt for a good hump.
* I WILL EAT YOU FOR A PIE.
now, i didn’t spend four years (well, almost four years) in college sososo I see you! ARROOBLARAARRGG! MELTMELT! an hour to be some czar. if I am hungry. Will you be my snack?! with my service, I see you! ARROOBLARAARRGG! MELTMELT!
first, I see you! ARROOBLARAARRGG! MELTMELT! alternately, i did have a secret underground lair which you get to by some speeding elevator that races miles under the earth. from there, monitors and computers did tell me all that happens in the world.THE CHAIR. IT WANTS TO DIE. oh no! she sees me! she attacks! complete omnipotence did be mine!! my belly is made of cereal!
also, i need a rocket car.I HAVE NO HAT! THEN, WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME, THEY WILL SING:
THERE GOES THE UNITED STATES INTELLIGENCE CZAR,
DRIVING AROUND TOWN IN HIS SUPER ROCKET CAR.
if you are a terrorist, a tasty knows where you stupid f***shits.
’cause he’s the united states intelligence czar.i will eat you like a carrot!
and i need to be abal to hire my own staff including sarahk as the intelligence czar t-shirt babe (to model the intelligence czar t-shirts that will inevitably be demanded). ha ha it is more fun to be fat. ESTAMOS BAILANDO. in hats!!!
i did be trained by masters in china in kung-fu, for the intelligence czar will become a target of constant ninja attacks and I see you! ARROOBLARAARRGG! MELTMELT!
on the subject of battle, i want dual 1911s, one the mirror of the other (a thumb safety on the right and ejects bullet to the left).urr! i am the captin of the spaceship.he is space fag.
IF POSSIBAL, I WANT CYBER-BATTLE ARMOR TO WEAR UNDER MY SUIT. estamos bailando. IN HATS!!! THIS DID BE A SECRET KNOWN BY FEW OTHER THAN ME.
citizen 1: oh no!! where is the hat?! it is a mystery.terrorists are attacking!!! and where has the intelligence czar gone?
citizen 2: look!! my belly is made of cereal! it’s cyber-samurai come to save us!!
cyber-samurai (me): fear not, puny mortals!!! I am Mean Bunny! Ruler of the retardeds!!! which must be negotiated in advance.thankyou for the dance fag. PLEASE TURN YOUR BUTT FOR A GOOD HUMP.
or, if the creashun of the intelligence czar is just an empty gesture to make it look like YOU COME BACK HERE WITH MY PARTY HAT!! I will eat you.just make the salary offer.i have no hat!
posted by frank j.it is a retarded! ha ha ha! at 07:33 pm
POLITICS: IMAO
The Completely Insane Frank J. is on a roll….
WTH was that!
A czar is a ruler, like in ” the czar of russia”. Derived from the word ceasar. FYI
Michael Williams For Intelligence Czar
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the computer. Anyway rant off.
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