“John Kerry has been criticized from all side for remarks thought to be critical of troops’ intelligence,” the anchorman said. “We now go live for his statement on this issue.”
John Kerry stood at a podium looking as angry as the Botox allowed him. “How could anyone every think that I, a highly decorated veteran who, by the way, served in Vietnam, would insult the troops… other than those time I did so in front of Congress and on national television? It’s preposterous. Only someone as dishonest as a common Army soldier would assert such a thing. I’m sure you all understand this, because you’re not a bunch of retard Marines. So ignore the lies, especially if they come from lecherous Navy men. I would hope the media would correct the record, but there all as lazy as a member of the Air Force.
“In conclusion: Don’t fall for the lies and be military stupid; instead, be Kerry smart!”
Dick Cheney turned off the television. “To think that the country was this close to electing the only person dumber than George Bush.”
President Bush laughed. “Yeah, he’s even dumber than… Hey!”
“Who were those monkeys in the crowd that were jumping up and down?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“The KosKids,” Cheney answered. “Kerry’s combative response seems to have excited the liberal netroots. Then again, they’ll latch on to about anything and go into a frenzy.”
Bush scratched his head. “I thought they didn’t like Kerry because of how he lost to me or how he didn’t lose but also didn’t contest Ohio or whatever the hell their crazy narrative is.”
“Their memories don’t last very long,” Cheney explained. “Actually, the only things they can commit to long term memory are anything wrong they think you did.”
Bush pumped his fists in the air. “I’m memorable!”
“So what do we do with this?” Condi asked.
Bush shrugged. “I guess I should ask Rove. I thought he had an October surprise, but nothing came up. I’m glad this happened though. Yay for dumb Democrats!”

Bush went down into the catacombs beneath D.C. His path was lit only by his torch, and at his sides were the corpses of many political fortunes. “Rover!” Bush called out. “Rovey Rovey Rover!”
He tripped into a puddle which extinguished his torch. “Aww. Every time I disappear without a word and come back muddy, Laura yells at me.”
Bush then heard two voices ahead. He crawled through the darkness until he spotted some more torchlight and the silhouettes of two figures.
“Your latest comments will cause more controversy,” said a sinister voice. “Make sure to respond in an even more combative manner. That will alienate most voters while exciting the liberal netroots. We need those fools to remain active to win.”
“Yes, my dark master,” answered the second person.
Bush ran forward and saw it was Karl Rove and John Kerry. “What’s going on here? Are you two working together?”
“Aieee! A surface-dweller!” Kerry screamed and then ran off into the darkness of the caves.
“Fool! You wanted an October surprise, and you got it!” Rove answered. “The genius of this one was that no one would suspect I was behind it if it appeared to be an unforced error from a Democrat.”
“But how long has Kerry worked for you? I mean, during 2004…”
Rove chuckled. “To make sure you won, I needed someone who at first glance seemed electable but was actually unpleasant and unappealing. I tasked Kerry to fill that role and won you your reelection.”
“Aww… I thought I won that because everyone thinks I’m cool.”
Rove laughed evilly. “Never underestimate the power of Rove!”
“Well, I don’t think this right!” Bush said. “I’m going to have to tell everyone that Kerry is your sleeper agent!”
“I don’t think so.” Rove walked towards Bush, and Bush found himself unable to move or even scream.

Bush woke up in bed next to Laura. “Wow, what a weird dream I had.”
“Being drugged and dragged to your bed by Karl Rove probably would give you weird dreams,” Laura said.
“Yep, at least it was all just a dream.”
On TV, Kerry was speaking again. “…and the right wing nut-jobs have once gains misconstrued my words, attacking me with the zeal of our murderous, baby-killing troops…”