Carole Bayer Sager is sitting in as guest judge. Let’s be hopeful that she’ll say more than Jewel did in her stint.
Our first giant loser is Ian Benardo. He has chinchilla fur, two therapists, and his name on his shirt. He deserves every bit of ridicule he gets, except that is what he wants. He just asked Simon for his visa and accused him of being an illegal. And now he’s being ousted by security and there he goes saying Simon is the dangerous illegal one. And even Ryan looks annoyed and pushes Ian down the hall, and they could have cut about ten minutes out of his tirade, and I think I would have gotten the point. It’s like in those church hymns where the 2nd or 3rd verse has a star next to it, and the star means that you can drop that verse without changing the meaning of the hymn. What a turd.
Sarah Burgess lied to her parents to audition. Her dad doesn’t want her to audition or be a singer. If she goes, he won’t help her with school or college. I’m sure he won’t see it on TV or hear about it at all. Nobody watches this show. She’s very pretty. And there goes the crying. Can someone tell me why everyone is singing “Call Me” this year? Did it have a comeback this year or get packaged on the B side of “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” and I just am not cool and didn’t get the text? “hey sk! dl call me by blondie on2 ur ipod stat! it’s the bomb! over.” Are they even saying “It’s the bomb” these days? I doubt it — I’m showing my geekiness. I don’t care, y’all can all shut up. Anyway, I like her. Like Simon says, she doesn’t have the best voice, but I think she can improve, and I think she’ll try. And she is bawling like a baby, and I love contestants like her, because she’s weepy and genuinely feeling it. And terrified of telling her daddy. Wow, he must be a big meanie. No look, he’s supportive. Or knows he’s on TV. Notice that TV cut, where Ryan must have said, “Bob, don’t say anything you don’t want broadcast on national television.” Bob’s first reaction sounded happily surprised, and he just wants her home safely, blah blah blah. So she’s so happy. Nice story. I hope she works hard in Hollywood. BTW, I kinda cried like a baby at her story too. But I cry at GEICO commercials, so that’s not saying much. That poor, misunderstood caveman.

Fania Tsakalakos. She is from Athens and New Jersey. I will say for her that she is dressed modestly. And she was very nice when she got the big “No”. Everything else was odd and just… no. But she was nice.
Ashanti Johnson is a repeat customer. Twice in Hollywood? Why is her eyeshadow two different colors? I mean on the different eyes, a different color. Oh! Did she just swallow a canary? Dude. Carole Bayer Sager totally looks like Joan Collins right there. And Ashanti is begging from the depths of her soul now with a prepared monologue. You’re done, sweetie. Get over yourself. And since you want to know what America thinks, and I’m one American… I would not have voted for that canary you swallowed that made my eyebrows join my hairline. Sorry. It’s a no.
The BFF Saga
Oh goodness. Next up are Paris and Nicole. Or Paris and Brit and Lindsay. Or whichever two are best friends this weekend. Both very pretty, both very talkative in their little story clip. So the duet thing is an absolute trainwreck, and Simon recommends they split up for the audition. So Amanda Coluccio sings first, and she sings “Crazy” by Patsy Cline. It’s ok, and you can tell she has a good voice, but she’s nervous and goes off-key a few times. She’s the one with more stage presence, more personality. The judges aren’t “Crazy” about her, but they can tell she’s nervous and decide to push her through to Hollywood. You can tell that the judges are just so tired by the time they’ve gotten to New York, that they’re like, “Yeah, whatever, you’re not crappy, you’ll do.” They’re thankful to not have crap. Not to say she won’t be good. But two seasons ago, she would have been a no, or been asked to sing another song.
Amanda gets her ticket to Hollywood, hugs her best friend and runs out of the room. Which I’m thinking is kinda sorry of her, because her best friend stuck around for moral support, but there goes Amanda right out of the room. No moral support for you, sorry! Gotta go celebrate. Her friend is genuinely happy for her. I can tell, because my Tivo freeze frame says so.
Next up is BFF#2, Antonella Barba. I can tell the first couple of bars in, she’s better than Amanda. Those are the facts, I just lay them out. And her audition is better. Paula and Simon both say so, too. Four immediate yeses from the judges, and Paula tells her not to ever say “she’s trained and I’m not”. Antonella says, “Well, also, she didn’t have her best audition. She’s really good.” LOL, Simon gives her showbiz advice and says to kick her while she’s down. She says no way, not my best friend and walks out with her ticket to Hollywood.
Awkwardness afterward when BFF#1 Amanda asks, “So what did they say to you after I left? What were their comments to you? Do you think they thought you were good?” No, dufus, they let me through just as a favor to you because you were so, like, totally awesome! BFF#2 should have slapped BFF#1. BFF#2 was sooo diplomatic. “Oh yeah. Paula said that I should never say that you’re trained and I’m not, because I was really good.” And BFF#1 says, “Oh, good!” BFF#2 left out the part about the judges liking BFF#2 better.
I bet Lean Cuisine night was fun for them tonight. BFF#1 should be very grateful for BFF#2 sticking up for her.
End The BFF Saga… For Now!
Clifton Biddle. He plays the harmonica, just like Taylor Hicks. But he talks really slowly. He likes making people scream. Yes, so do serial killers. What is the DEAL with people starting their songs with the lead-in claps and stomps tonight? He’s a yeller.
An astronaut, now that’s one I hadn’t thought of. I hope he sang “Fly Me to the Moon”. Or “Moon River”. Or “Moon and New York City”, incredibly apropos.
Kia Thornton is singing “Ain’t No Way” by Aretha Franklin. She can sing, it’s a yes from me.
New York Day 2
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Jenry Bejarano. Wow, he’s only 16? He has a very nice voice, great audition. I say yes. Except he spells Henry with a J, and that weirds me out. I’ll try to look past it.
Nakia. Paula is so not into her. Oh no. “Dancing in the Streets”. I abhor that song. I actually thought she sang it well, which makes me abhor myself. And then they make her sing a second song and ask her to sing with less energy, and she sings “Dreamin'”, a much slower song. It’s bad, because her voice is exposed, and it’s a no from the judges. She can’t handle it. She says she can’t handle hearing no anymore, and not just with singing. That’s very sad. She seems nice, but this is not American Fix All Your Problems. I’m sorry, I’m just pointing out the obvious. You’re all thinking it. Except Socialism O’Donnell, who wants the judges to let her through just because she’s nice, forget that it’s a singing competition, and wants me to pay for everyone else’s daycare and health care and boob jobs and tooth laminates. Pardon me for wanting to spend my money on my own life and letting you plan for your own.
Oh, I’m sorry, how did that political semi-rant get in there? My bad. The kids aren’t saying that anymore, either. I know. I’m not even saying that anymore.
Sarah Goldberg. She, too, is singing “Dreaming”. Joan Collins just asked “Do you really think you can sing?” and she said “No.” She’s sure she can be the next American Idol because… Oh, I can’t even do this. I can’t type. I’m laughing too hard. And now I’m just staring. I actually agree with Rosie at this moment. She’s clinically insane. She thinks she can be the next American Idol because they can teach her to sing. Her friends laugh at her tonedeafness all the time, and still she came to audition. She’s my all-time favorite clinically insane (allegedly, of course) American Idol contestant. EVER! I LOVE HER! I need a catchphrase for her. She kept saying, “That is RUDE!” over and over. I guess that’s it. I’ll go back and watch her again later, but she was BRILLIANT! Actually, the only thing she needed to complete her outfit was the stick pony. You know, with the stuffed horse head and the stick body? So the catchphrase, which will come from her FOR SURE, will either be, “That is RUDE!” or “Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket.” (Firefly reference)
Antonio Torres Jr. is 47 and has lost his Ks. He sings about “New Yor New Yor”. What a frea.
Jory Steinberg. She’s a Canadian living in Santa Monica. Canada + California. That’s 2 strikes. 😀 She can sing, but I’ll hold a grudge to Hollywood. She even sang a song that referenced that weird Canadian letter “Zed”. Unless you’re Weird Al, that’s not ok here in MexAmeriCanada, Sparky. Off with yer head! The judges LOVE her.
Porcelana Patino. She has trained herself 8 hours a day (physically), plus the singing, for an entire year to get ready for her audition. I wasn’t blown away by the singing (it was good, just not great to me), but I can hear potential, so I’m fine with her going through, especially hearing the other ehs who have been getting through and knowing how hard she works. She gives Randy, Paula, and Joan/Carole a group hug that Simon wants no part of. Oh, and mind your crack, sweetie.
Girls who wear the ultra-low-rises should really mind the cracks. Aaaaand. LOL. I had no idea Ryan was straight. He’s totally checking out the crack while she’s hugging her boyfriend! I love the moments that the camera catches when the people are clueless.
Oh, a montage! Apparently Olivia Newton-John is going to guest-judge later this season. She’s in the montage.
Christopher Henry. A Simon Cowell lookalike? I would have said Ryan Seacrest. I’m sure Simon would love to hear that. Yes, George Michael too, but I would have said Seacrest. Oh snap. He’s singing “Before Your Love”. She? He, I think. Ouch, I think my earwax just jumped out of my ear in protest. That was high, out of tune, and offensive. Shame on you. I had to rewind to get his name, and I usually just let it play while I type, but I couldn’t bear to do that. I had to fast forward. Oh. Paula just called Simon a sphincter. Except she used that ugly name for it that y’all know I won’t type on a blog. 🙂
Rachel Zevita, 18, goes to school for opera. If they find out she’s there, she’s going to get kicked out. Don’t worry. No one watches this show. They’ll never find out. They make her sing three different songs, and in my opinion, she’s outstanding on all three. She does rock, pop, opera, and she’s fantastic. I LOVE her. Randy is done after three seconds of the rock song, but Joan saves her. She says, “I like that, I want to hear something different.” After the pop song, Simon thinks it’s scary, so Randy wants to hear opera, and she kills on that one too. Simon asks who she wants to be. She says, “Every week you guys pick something different. I can sing anything.” I believe her. She says she’s a singer, a songwriter, a rockstar. I hope so.
Chris Richardson. He said “interpretated”. I cannot take him seriously. I don’t care how well he sings. He said “interpretated”. One too many syllables. Too bad. Such a nice voice. It’s a no from me but a yes from the judges. I just know that if he’s a big star, he’ll act like K-Fed or something. Interpretated by me, he could turn out to be a media nightmare.
Nicholas Pedro bowed out of the competition last year because he couldn’t learn “Build Me Up Buttercup” in time for his group song in Hollywood. Not a hard song. He’s singing “Fly Me to the Moon”, and it’s really good (does go offkey once, maybe twice, but just barely), but will he crack up in Hollywood again? Maybe he’ll take it seriously this time. We shall see. He gets another shot.
Isadora Furman is a clairvoyant. Please don’t be better than Sarah Goldberg, because she just became my all-time favorite and deserves so much more time at the top. She’s singing that “Lady Marmalade” song. No really. And dancing around with a tambourine. And a white satin hat. In clogs. It’s hideous. And now she just went into another song.
Winner: Sarah Goldberg. I LOVE her. Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket… That’s so RUDE!
I don’t know which I like better. You decide.