And you thought he was heartless before…
Producer Max Bialystock said “the time is right” for a “fresh” version of a piece of cinematic history.
“The first question I always get,” said Bialystock, “is ‘whaddya mean ‘Live Action?’ Wasn’t the 1939 version live action?’ Well, today the phrase now just means ‘more photorealistic CGI’. And it’s about time, too. Especially the stupid dog. SO fake looking. Was that a muppet? Perfectly awful. We’re gonna fix that. Also, with the new ‘Lion King’, Disney perfected that dead-eyed, soulless look for talking animals, which means it’ll be perfect for doing the flying monkeys.”
“Now,” Bialystock said, “mostly we’ll keep things the same – who are we to re-invent the cyclone? That was some brilliant acting, by the way. I think they got some dust-devil from Arizona doing that part. Went on to star in “Twister”. Anyway, we had to change a few things here and there to make it more relevant for today’s audiences, since everyone who saw the original in theaters is dead now except for Betty White. First, we had to tweak Dorothy. Adolescent white girl? How cliche. We’re going with Grace Jones, since she’s pretty much the opposite of all of that and it’ll make the hand-to-hand death-fight with the Wizard at the end a little more interesting. Don’t tell anyone about that. No spoilers!”
“Naturally we’ll have to fix Scarecrow, too,” Bialystock continued. “Can you imagine the optics of having him scare away black birds in this day and age, when people are calling white robots racist? We’re making him a Scarepigeon. Nobody likes pigeons, so no one will be offended. Pigeons! Yech! Filthy little rats with wings. No offense to Baltimore.
“Biggest change, though,” concluded Bialystock, “will be having the Wicked Witch of the West wearing a red baseball cap that says ‘Make Oz Great Again’. I know it’s probably too subtle for modern audiences to catch the reference, but between that and the “Yellow Brick Wall”, I’m hoping someone will get it.”
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Eh, it’ll still be worth seeing, as long as they don’t mess up the music and still have a machine gun that shoots chainsaws and a laser rocket launcher and bombs that explode into tigers made of fire and the bad guys have an army of flying robot luchadors that can only be stopped by even flyinger robot luchadors but then Oz turns out to be infested by a giant magic alien parasite so they have to team up to keep it from making a black hole and everything was part of an evil conspiracy by Western Union and just when everything looks hopeless Dorothy reveals that xhe’s not left-handed.
{After consideration} Too Jewish.
I heard Frank J’s next novel is going to be called The Wizard of Iz.
Follow a silver-tongued road, tra la
Follow the silver-tongued road, tra la
Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the silver-tongued road….
We all recall the Wizard–
The wonderful Wizard of IZ
He had the gift of garbled gab
If ever a wizard did
If ever oh ever some sex he did
“Twas kept underneath the Wizard’s lid
Becoz becoz becoz becoz becoz
Becoz of the mighty landslide that slid
‘Twas quite a cunning lizard–
The wonderful Wizard of IZ
Wasn’t there already a black Dorothy?
Gotta go Asian-American man.
Who is the other producer, Leo Bloom?
Max Bialystock, LOL!!!
One thing they won’t have to change, the totally environmentally-conscious, hard-working social worker who just wants what’s best for Dorothy.
In today’s political climate the Wicked Witch of the West’s bicycle seat would be considered a bio-hazard.
This new Wizard of Oz has a lot of potential. Of course there’ll have to be some modern updates…the Wizard gay, the Tin Man solar powered. The Munchkins cool, hip, and black. Dorothy transgendered. The Wicked Witch a white male. Have to do something about the Scarecrow and Lion too. Perhaps have them in a “relationship.” This just could be the boffo! Socko! Tremendous! Stupendous! Fabulous! Fantabulous! Fantastic first-rate, five-star, smash hit of the year! If we do it right.
Bacon to walrus & Tom for catching the reference.
I had Zero chance of not getting it.
Darnit! I knew I should have made a Springtime for Flying Monkeys joke!
One thing you can be sure of – If it’s a Bialystock production, it’s a guaranteed money-maker.