Based on something Walrus said.

.

AMERICA: So, what have you come up with?

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, we’ve thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is Trump, being himself, . . .

ADAM SCHIFF: (Interrupting) May I?

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Go ahead.

ADAM SCHIFF: I think I can sum up this impeachment for you with one word: “NOTHING.”

AMERICA: Nothing?

ADAM SCHIFF: (Smiling) Nothing.

AMERICA: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?

ADAM SCHIFF: The impeachment is about nothing.

HOUSE COMMITTEE: (To Schiff) Well, it’s not about nothing.

ADAM SCHIFF: (To Committee) No, it’s about nothing.

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

(Committee and Schiff glare at each other. The press enters.)

PRESS: America, Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on TV.

AMERICA: I’ll watch later.

(Press leaves)

ADAM SCHIFF: (Attempting to pronounce Latin) Quid Pro Quo?

AMERICA: Not even close.

ADAM SCHIFF: Was it with a Russian?

AMERICA: No.

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN: What’s the premise?

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, as I was saying, Trump being himself, as an outsider, from New York, has an agenda, a following, and a hot wife, which is all true.

ADAM SCHIFF: Yeah, but nothing happens that can’t be grounds for impeachment. You see, it’s just his life. You know, he eats, he goes campaigning, he speaks … He eats, he campaigns, he makes a phone call.

AMERICA: He made a phone call? You have a transcript?

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, I don’t know about the transcript… We didn’t discuss any transcript.

AMERICA: All right, tell me, tell me about the stories. What kind of first-hand knowledge?

ADAM SCHIFF: Oh, no. No first-hand knowledge.

AMERICA: No first-hand knowledge? So what is this?

ADAM SCHIFF: (Showing an example) What’d you do today?

AMERICA: I got up and came to work.

ADAM SCHIFF: There’s an impeachment. That’s impeachment.

AMERICA: (Confused) How is that impeachment?

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, uh, maybe something happened when he got to work.

ADAM SCHIFF: No, no, no. Nothing happened.

HOUSE COMMITTEE: Well, something happened.

AMERICA: Well, why am I watching it?

ADAM SCHIFF: Because it’s going to bring down Trump.

AMERICA: Not yet.