[Reposted from 2009, because I didn’t realize what day it was until about 5 minutes ago]
* Mexico declared its independence from Spain on September 16th, 1810. This should not be confused with the first Cinco de Mayo of May 5th 1862, which marked Mexico’s victory over the French Army. Every day is Cinco de Mayo somewhere in the world.
* In absolute numbers, Mexico has more native Spanish-speakers than anywhere else in the world. Percentage-wise, the winner is any given Home Depot parking lot.
* The Chihuahua dog breed was developed in 1850 in Mexico. Purebred Chihuahuas are quite rare and VERY expensive. If you can’t afford one, a shaved rat is pretty much the same thing.
* In the 16th century, Mexicans used poinsettia leaves for medicinal purposes, including to help control fevers. In modern times, they mostly use hospitals in Los Angeles.
* The national sport of Mexico is bull-fighting – where a pretty man prances around while cruelly butchering an innocent animal. Sorta like American Idol, except with bulls instead of pop music.
* Mexico is made up of 31 states. 38 if Obama is counting.
* The three colors of Mexico’s flag hold deep symbolism: green is for hope and victory, red is for the blood shed by the nation’s heroes, and white is for the nation’s vibrant cocaine export industry.
* Mexico City is the second-largest city in the world, with a population of 25 million, all of whom share a single car and apartment.
* The border between Mexico and the United States is thought to be second-longest in the world – after the border between the United States and Canada – although no one can say for sure, since it’s been completely obscured by footprints.
* All of which, mysteriously, point north, leading scientists to speculate that Mexicans are made out of some sort of magnetic material.
* Because Mexico is located in an area known as the Pacific “Ring of Fire.” the region is rife with millions of small, active volcanoes. These are harvested annually and sold under the name Habanero.
* Tequila, the liquor for which Mexico is famous, is made from the native blue agave plant. It’s named after the city where it originated, and not – as American overindulgers often claim – a Mexicanized pronunciation of “to kill ya”.
* 90% of Mexicans are Roman Catholic, which is why they tend to see the Virgin Mary in their tortillas instead of Barack Obama like normal people.
* Mexico has seven hundred and seven species of reptiles. Which one is in that taco is anyone’s guess.
* Chocolate was invented in Mexico as a sacred drink for the Aztecs. The original recipe contained no milk or sugar, leaving it a dark, bitter, unpleasant mess which few could stomach without retching. Think of it as Michelle Obama in a cup.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shave me up a Chihuahua.
_______________
UPDATE: Linked by waznmentobe
i just finished watching all of the Walking with Dinosaurs/Beasts series. i just read all of the above post in Kenneth Barnagh’s voice. creepy.
Your 2009 post made me curious about all the comments back then – so I went back into the archives and started reading….
IMAO commenters were funnier three years ago. I blame Obama.
According to our Noble Leader, El Uno, Generalissimo Juan-Barako Del Obamez, this Holiday is Officially “De Cinco de Quattro”, which, White House Historians chronicle, celebrates the conquering of a portion of the German Gringo automobile industry. Auto Union and Volkswagen capitulated swiftly, but Mercedes threatened to retalliate by invading with a battalion of UniMogs fitted with Krupp artillery, plus it was time for a siesta so the Mexicans made off with a bunch of VW Beetles and called it “bueno”.
Ii think the reasons the coments are not as funny is Bush s fault
I’m blaming people choosing to squander their writing talent on Facebook.
That place is like a rat-infested crackhouse that should be burned to the ground for the good of society.
How is my husband supposed to sleep when I’m snorting laughter?
Just as funny the second time around, Harvey. One of your best!
Unfortunately, two years after this original “cinco de Mayo” the French came back and conquered Mexico. Not a good impression on their manhood.
Laugh at the Mexicans all you want, but the truth is…the spray-paint manufacturing industry in this country would collapse without them.
Obama opened up new trade opportunities with Mexico. We send them rifles and they send back slightly used bullets at a high rate of speed.
@ Jimmy
I went back and looked at the comments in the 2009 posting of this.
Among the comments was this:
Do you suppose “angry” has figured it out yet? Or is he still a moron who takes 4 months to comment?
Also Miley cyrus uses the “S” word!
There’s a border between Mexico and the United States?
Yeah, DamnCat, even the trolls were funnier back then – if you waited long enough!
This Obama guy is grinding us down.
Mexico, due to poor English comprehension, anointed NFL Hall of Famer Cortez Kennedy their Patron Saint of The Fence.
I miss the IMAO podcasts. I can just hear your voice reading this